Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend
 

Sept 7-Sept 21, 2005
Issue #83

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
   
Brown Nose
Buffalo News Endorses Mediocrity
Allan Uthman

Occupational Hazard
Why They Hate Us
Alexander Zaitchik

Lie of the Storm
No one could've predicted this, or something
Kit Smith
Joltin' Bolton
UN Ambassador as bad as you thought
Jeff Dean
Beast Calling!
A Tele-prayer with the 700 Club
(includes audio)

Area Man Remembers 9-11 Twice Daily
Ian Murphy

Point/Counterpoint
A debate on withdrawal

The BEAST BLOG
Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Matt Taibbi
Page 3
Bills Season Preview
Ronnie Roscoe
Separated at Birth?
Beast-O-Scopes
Kino Korner: Movies
Voicemails
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

COMIX:
Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

RSS FEED
ISSUE #82PDF FILE
(right-click & "save target")
ARCHIVES
LINKS
SUBSCRIPTIONS

MERCHANDISE

Last Issue: (82)

 

SUPPORT OUR POOP

Subject: An open response to Matthew J. Mancini RE: Issue #82 letter ("An Army of Dumb")

Dear Matthew,
I read your letter with great interest, as it was quite coherent, for a Beast letter. You made some very interesting points for your case, though I was a little disappointed in the immature tone ("...I for one will not pick up another Beast unless there is a trash can near by [sic: nearby is one word -- how’s freshman year treating you?]"). Don't be a douche, my friend, because we all know you read the issue your letter was in, and that you're standing by a Big Red Box right now fighting back orgasms reading this letter. That's the writing life, son.

Anyhoo, we both have something in common. We both had relatives in World War II. My great uncle Herbert Storm served in the Army and held a cushy gig at Fort Niagara when it was still active. Then they sent him to the Pacific Theater. This sweet family man was so psychologically damaged by the horrors of war that he was sent home a few weeks later. He suffered a complete mental breakdown and spent the rest of his life in an apartment behind Angola's Block Hotel, where my grandmother would visit every week and change his sheets and clip his toenails. After suffering a stroke, he was confined to a nursing home. I was the only one in the family who wrote him regularly, and in his weak-handed scrawl went on and on about the horrors of the VA and a lot of very dark stuff concerning the Philippines.

I offer this personal story as a swat at your accusation that "...you people...have shown you have no decency for the people who have died serving you and no heart for this great country of ours..." Beg pardon? As a contributor to the Beast, I feel that I am securely in your bull’s-eye, and I take offense.

Your issue was with the ad (it is "ad," by the way, short for "advertisement"; you repeatedly typed "add," which is one and one equals two, but I don't want to steal the thunder from your Math 099 professors) satire mocking the "Army of One" ads, featuring a toetag with the words "I got money for college." I'm a pretty fair guy, and I can actually do this thing -- it's freaky -- where I can look at both sides of an issue and form an opinion. I did that in this case. In doing so, I realized that I had actually been in this position before: I once saw a similar ad featuring a toetag with a cigarette label on it. Wait, Matt, there's more: my mother died of cancer from smoking cigarettes. So, I'm conflicted. Should I be pissed off at the Ad Council for insensitivity toward my mom's love of cigarettes? Was it a smack in the face of the families of fallen smokers?

Yes, I'm simplifying this, Matt, because I sense you are a very simple man. And as a simple man, you are probably thinking: Holy shit! Did he just compare dead soldiers to smokers? Yes, Matt, I did. Because this country is addicted to murder and conquest, and the military is selling death to kids by luring them with sweet deals. And the addiction will always continue, thanks to people like you who maintain the myopic and self-righteous opinion that blood -- as long as it isn't your own -- is a noble thing to shed, and that dissent -- a freedom for which the blood is supposedly shed -- is shameful.

Hugs, Jeff Dean, Hamburg

 

Er…yeah! What he said!


BAIT SHOP MAY NOT SAVE CITY?

Hi Paul,

Thank-you for being the only publication with the "Stones" to tell the truth.

I am running for Mayor and am shocked at the corruption in the media.

The corruption in the political parties is expected,,,,,,,but the media is thought to be at least a cut above.

At a recent debate, I broke the story that the Bass Pro deal is the biggest swindle in Buffalo history.

The largest stockholder/parent company is Gaylord LLC out of Nashville, Tenn.

They openly admit that 2 yrs after getting the $66M in corporate welfare, they will sell the stock!

Nobody wants to hear it! A retired Bflo Police Lt. brought this to my attention,,,,,,he was shocked none of the other Mayoral candidates would even listen.

Charlie Flynn

Hang in there Paul!

 

Hehe…you said “Gaylord.”


STICK BUNDLE ENJOYS BARBS

Beast dudes (or Beastie Bros.)

You already know you’ve got the best paper in existence on the planet today, so I won’t try to flatter you. But thanks for printing the letter from the offended anorexic and making the point that lefty people like offensive humor when it’s not about them. I’ve been in hardcore/punk bands since I was 15, so I’m predisposed to love offensive humor anyway. But I’m also gay, and don’t get freaked out by being the butt of the joke sometimes. Anyone who only likes offensive humor when it’s directed a conservative dickheads, and not those that they deem to be on their team, deserve to be thrashed in public. In every issue of the Beast, the word “faggot” appears, not only don’t I give a fuck, how can we turn the whole U.S.A. into Beastie nation?

 

Thanks, fag!


PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

To whom it may concern:
I'm submitting this letter because I feel it is my civic duty to spread a warning about a dire menace currently lurking in movie theaters. It's "A Sound of Thunder" and the threat is real.

It started innocently enough for myself and a friend. We wanted to squeeze one last bit of fun into the Labor Day weekend and decided to see a movie Monday evening. There isn't much out there that we haven't seen, but we weren't ready to give in without at least looking through the listings.

"Hey, here's 'A Sound of Thunder.' It's based on a classic Ray Bradbury story. It's got Ben Kingsley and Ed Burns, " I said, "At least it's not a sequel to something."

So, we went to the show.

Wow. I...I think I've been violated in some way. Mugged at the least.

Instead of a PG-13 rating, this thing ought to come with a warning label. Criminal charges must be filed against those responsible. Hugely, grotesquely, colossally bad movie. Better films have gone straight to hushed DVD release. I am genuinely shocked a flick this bad can be made and distributed. Holy crap. If Mr. Bradbury were dead, I imagine the spinning in his grave would be in the terahertz range. And this atrocity may well finish him off if he has to sit through it. I'm in pretty good shape and I barely survived. My friend was not so fortunate. The rehabilitation will take years. Doctors say he may never walk -- into a movie theater -- again.

Please help me spread the warning about this, the mother of all turkeys. We must be forever vigilant against this film being viewed by anyone. It's bound to find its way onto basic cable and rental shelves. It's just that sinister.

Thank you and beware.

Sincerely,
Neil Kowalewski, Buffalo

 

Listen, Gildea, you already get two pages to do movie reviews. Isn’t that enough, you craven bastard?


GOFF SCOFF

( reply to: 'No Strategy, Just Exit' by Stan Goff)

Hey, Stan Goff; who died and made you Lord of the fucking Left?

Oh, your analysis of the spectacular failure of the anti-war left is just absolutely fucking brilliant. Since the Spanish Civil War we've heard the same critique about the left eating itself alive; but I guess we really do need you to tell us whose fault it all is. Thank you very much, asshole.

And you're quite right; everybody & Todd Gitlin's dog's brother is glomming on to Cindy Sherman. But guess what? That includes you, too, shithead. You just have a different way of trying to co-opt her, and to cop some of her cool. You, alone, can see past all those callow opportunists and speak to Cindy's true pristine perfect message. Like you're not full of barely disguised contempt for her, too. Just like the next well-informed leftish theorist who never got diddly done about squat.

And how about this quote from you:

" The US withdrawal from Iraq will be one of the biggest victories for genuine people's movements, here and abroad, since the US was forced out of Vietnam."

You wouldn't know a "genuine people's movement" if one came up and bit you on the ass, sport.

So put down your Howard Zinn and quit the drippy utopian noodling about " the people ". Time to go old school and take a page from Bayard Rustin instead. He knew the value of pragmatism enough to say:

" sometimes you're gonna have to take a sniff and see which plop stinks less; if you don't wan't to completely disenfranchise yourselves".

Reaction more often than not follows revolution. Better expect at least a plurality of enthusiastic public support for the opportunistic fascist reaction that will follow the humiliating spectacle of a cut & run from Iraq. The right wing is thinking two steps ahead of you. Then it will be Darth Cheney who will be quoting Lenin:

" If you want to make an omelette, you gotta crack a few eggs".

If you want to counter the dominant class, quit sounding like just another dominant ass. - andres conejito

 

We appreciate your enthusiasm, Andres, but don’t forget that Goff is a Special Forces vet, knows about “genuine people’s movements” because he helped crush them, and could easily shove you up your own ass. But hey, we’re sure you’re right that a full, immediate withdrawal from Iraq is just what the Bush administration wants. Those tricky bastards!


BARBOURISM

FROM THE DESK OF GOVERNOR HALEY BARBOUR (MS):

For Immediate Release:

The following knowledge will be crucial to any Louisiana officials seeking federal flood assistance. The key to President Bush's humanity is a good nickname. If you've got a good nickname, he’ll like you.

Nicknames help him "see" or "imprint", if you will, upon an object of empathy as human or worthy of emotion. Always aware of this, we nickname all of the president’s priorities for him. Terri Schiavo was "Veggie", for example. The fetus: Doughboy. He loves to call zygotes "ziggy".

Sounds silly, but after being given those names to ponder, he went from favoring first trimester legal abortions to banning the morning after pill. When he heard "Veggie", Pres. Bush actually skipped his morning glass of Benadryl in his rush to personally save her.

Take my advice. If you want this president to see African American flood victims as lovable human folks, start giving them catchy nicknames. For instance: a corpse in Lake Pontchartrain could be called "Floatie"

Haley "Pussbutt" Barbour--

 

Haley, there’s another way to make blacks more sympathetic to Bush: simply give them money. In no time, they’ll all be cabinet secretaries and appellate court judges.


PUSSY LOVERS

Dear Paul,
My cousin and I would like to inform you that we would be very interested in applying for your advertisement. We would also like to let you know just how disgusted we both are at what you are going to do to that poor innocent animal. Who ever it is holding the kitten should be ashamed of themselves! What kind of a person are you Paul to do a terrible thing like that to an animal that can not speak for itself?! What you are doing is a threat and animal abuse which is illegal!! You sound like a really filthy and cold-hearted human being that only feels satisfied with life if he kills a kitten! I DON"T CARE IF YOU ARE A FREAKIN CELEBRITY ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!!!! YOU ARE STILL ABUSIVE AND CRUEL HUMAN BEING, I HOPE YOU DIE AND BURN IN HELL'S PITS YOU BASTARD!!!!IF THAT IS YOUR WIFE HOLDING THE POOR KITTEN THEN WE'LL "ALL" HOPE HER TITS FALL OFF!!):=
>From Ciara and Catherine

 

Bitches,
We have no idea whether this is supposed to be funny or serious, which means you have failed either way. At any rate, since you did not advertise, that poor, sweet kitty’s death is entirely your fault. If it is any consolation to you, we must say it was quite delicious.


THEOGRAPHY TEST

Hey guys, simple question:

If you locked Pat Robertson in a room with a blank map of South America, do you think he could correctly identify where Venezuela is and what the capital of the country is?

Because, I guess if you're going to request the assassination of a foreign leader, you should at least know where he is.

Any ideas? Vegas odds?
Jeremiah

 

Oh come on, Jeremiah, be fair. A man can’t be expected to know the precise location of every single nation he has slated for imperial aggression, can he? Seriously, do you think Bush even knows where Mexico is, let alone North Korea? The only place Pat needs to know coordinates for is Heaven… we have a feeling he’ll find Hell one way or another.


WHAT A ZANY NUT!

I must tell you that I really enjoy the Beast. It has given me so much pleasure to see someone in this town call it like it is.

I wondered if you might consider running an article about annoying things and stupid people.

How about the ridicules advertising on TV by these lawyers for class action suits. Wouldn't it be great if we could start a grass roots campaign to get rid of them? I understand there is a charge for each call placed to an 800 number. Why not encourage thousands of people across the country to call and hang up. Over and over.

How about the suburbs. Have you noticed that all the new homeowners that move into houses with one garage and own 3 cars. No matter. They pave their lawn or they just park on the lawn! It's so nice to see that they respect the neighborhood and property values.

How about people that are so lazy they can't get out of there car when they pick someone up. It so much easier to just lay on the horn. It doesn't matter what time it is.

How about those individuals that park in the fire zone at supermarkets. No need to walk any further than that. It doesn't matter that everyone else has to walk around their car to get to the store entrance.

Hope you consider this idea for your paper. Especially the lawyers!
Tim Downey

Wow, Tim. Your ideas are so outrageous. They are way too wild for us. Maybe you should try giving them to someone more daring, like Tim Allen.


CHARLOTTE’S EBB

I seen a story about your paper/website on CJ, it's comforting to read a paper that has the truth published unfortunately I had to be a percentage who had to move out of state (Charlotte,NC) because of lack of jobs but, I always try to keep in touch with the place where I was born (Home sweet home) and hope to move back when it all clears up...I won't hold my breath.
I am glad I found a new better way to get my information... Keep up the great work!
-Anthony

This is the second letter we’ve received from a Charlotte, NC transplant who suddenly writes like a bucktoothed southerner. Stay away from the Carolinas, people! The “brain drain” is more literal than you think!

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