Buffalo BEAST - Buffalo's New Best Fiend

Sept 21 - Oct 5, 2005
Issue #84

  ..Buffalo's Best Fiend
Why is it OK for the press to lie?
Allan Uthman

Banana Republicans
3rd World, US-style
Shawn Ewald

Drowning Reality
Truth not a Major Factor in New Orleans
Kit Smith
Of Pandas & Morons
Truth vs. Myth in PA
Jeff Dean
Star Wars
The Sequel & the Reality
Bob Fitrakis

Play the Blame Game!
Match the Stupid Quote!
Roberts Confirmation Maze

Buffalo in Briefs
The Sports Blotter
The Week in Sports Crime
Matt Taibbi
Wide Right
Bills Football
Ronnie Roscoe
Kino Korner: Movies
Michael Gildea
Page 3
Separated at Birth?
[sic] - Letters
 Cover Page

Idiot Box
Perry Bible Fellowship
Bob the Angry Flower

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Beast-O-Scopes by Andrew Gullerstein

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, I’m going to let you in on a little secret I discovered while adjusting my astral charts the other day—Hurricane Katrina was all your fault. Yes, I know it sounds hard to believe, but do you remember saying last month how you hoped some catastrophic meteorological event would hit America and wake us all up about global warming? Well, it turns out that the spirits were listening to you for the first time in your life, and decided to grant your wish—the first half anyway. So remember, it’s not the Mayor’s fault—its’ your fault.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Trust me, Scorpio; Mardi Gras wasn’t really all that great anyway. It was sort of like Spring Break, but with better music and architecture. All the roads were blocked off, and the entire French Quarter invaded by brainless binge-drunk jarnecks on an infantilist quest to see boobies, when really all of the fun is in the touching of the boobies. Basically, it was kinda cool if you’d never been there, and hung out with the weirdos on Decatur Street instead of the conformist touristy types on Bourbon, but if you lived there, Mardi Gras was a grade-A pain in the ass. Losing Jazz Fest sucks, though…

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, I know I should have made more of an effort to contact you after the flood, but I guess I just knew you were smart enough to leave town when the Mayor issues a mandatory evacuation order. I’m having some guilt about it, though. I couldn’t remember your mom’s last name, but I could’ve looked up your dad when I tried to call you and got “Due to the hurricane, the number you have reached….” Oh well, I’ve never been good at keeping in touch. I’m glad you’re okay, though—if you were dead, I really would have felt guilty.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, stop instant messaging me for no reason. What do you think people do on computers anyway? Do you imagine me just sitting there, staring at the screen, yearning to hear that stupid “beedeloo” noise? Nein! I am working, or reading, or wanking to free porn—in other words, I am busy. If you have a question, or some info for me, or even a sexy proposition, by all means interrupt me. But “I am sooo bord” just isn’t good enough. Begone, IM vixen and your silly noise!

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, do you realize that a Colorado charity was offering New Orleans refugees entire houses and jobs in Colorado for free? They were there for two weeks, and got 32 takers altogether. 32. How sucky does a state have to be that people are like, “no thanks, the free house sounds pretty good but I’m gonna stay here in the feces-spattered stadium with these 20,000 other people and their screaming children.” Maybe if you drive real fast you can sneak into the Astrodome and get in on the deal.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

We’re sure you’re right, Pisces, and global warming has nothing to do with the strength and frequency of these hurricanes…and evolution is an anti-Christian plot to make you think too hard. And babies come from storks. And gramma’s in a better place now… the Mississippi, because her mausoleum got washed out in the flood.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Seriously, Aries, it’s time to stop masturbating so much. Don’t get me wrong—I’m as likely as any psychic astrologer to clobber the cannon at least once before lunch, but—dude, seriously stop it, that’s gross while I’m talking to you. Don’t gimme that “I’ve got an itch” bullshit, I’m psychic, remember? Just give me a minute here; put your hands on the table. Now look: I’m not saying you should quit altogether, because chances are you’ll wind up killing someone within days. Just, you know, to alleviate the chafing, maybe allow yourself to get horny enough to rediscover your interest in two-person sex—which, despite the hassle, can really be a lot better. Hey, what did I tell you—stop that! Oh well, I tried, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Well Taurus, I guess we won’t be seeing the Rebirth Brass Band at the Maple Leaf again for quite some time, if ever. But we can still get together and blow sometime. Congratulations on the Emmy, dick.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, stop pretending you voted in the primary. I have consulted the cosmos and I have discovered that you spent the entire day driving to and from Friendly’s to get a strawberry fribble, and then watching several episodes of “West Wing,” secretly pretending that the characters are your friends, and you’re banging Allison Janney. Dude, I can see it, I guess, but she kind of looks like a basset hound, you know? It’s all about the lighting with her, I guess. But back to the other thing—how ironic that you escape into fantasies of good government instead of doing your part to make it a reality! Maybe if Josh Lyman was running for mayor, you’d vote, but probably not, you lazy ape.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

All I want is a pack of Winstons and a cold coffee beverage, Cancer; why must you buy so many scratch-off lottery tickets? Can’t you buy them all at once? Don’t you know why they call it ‘stupidity tax?’ And what the hell is wrong with the cashier? Can’t he see the injustice of making people who just want to buy stuff and leave wait for some gambling addicted, mathematically challenged midget to get his risk-related endorphin rush on in the most inappropriate way since Russian Roulette? If you’re going to run a casino for losers, at least put a room in the back and maybe serve opium.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, eat something, for Christ’s sake. You were really cute a year or two ago, but now you’re a goddamn clothes hanger. Not hot, Leo. Gradually, I’ve watched your wonderful tits and ass disappear, until now your shoulder blades are you torso’s most prominent feature. What makes it worse, I never got to touch them…T&A I mean; I’m afraid I would cut myself on you now. I liked your hair better red, too.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, I don’t know what your problem is, but if I don’t finish this soon, we’re going to miss our deadline. You know I love you, babe, but what can I say? I’m just going to keep on typing over here until it looks like I wrote a paragraph of humorous Gonzo horoscope-type material. I don’t get paid much anyway; what are they gonna do? Besides, these guys are stupid enough to think this was some kind of hipster-ironic pose, not an honest-to-goodness act of desperation. Lucky numbers: 928392829382939, 00001001010101010, 72%

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