It’s a familiar situation: you drive your car into the parking lot of the local all-night adult emporium, looking to score some X-rated goodies. Maybe it’s a movie, about women doing things your wife won’t do anymore. Perhaps it’s a special piece of clothing, a gift for your favorite dancer at Mademoiselle’s. Or maybe your girlfriend finally agreed to let you try that thing involving anal beads, liquid latex, and a device known only as “The Helping Hand.” In any case, you enter the store with a certain sense of apprehension, perhaps even deep-seated guilt, and the first delicious sight of uncensored wall-to-wall nudity fills you with a disorienting wave of confusion. You find yourself overwhelmed, with no sense of where to begin, and too self-conscious to think straight. Two hours and fifty dollars later, you’re at home, staring at a video starring two lumps of sweaty flesh that would require a blood test to prove they were human, and cradling a greasy battery pack attached to a purple plastic genital-mangling device that was made in the Philippines by blind eunuchs.

How can you avoid this embarrassing situation? The next time you go to your friendly neighborhood adult bookstore, use these tips to assure complete satisfaction with your next purchase:

1) DON’T BE A CHEAP-ASS: You may notice a section of the store that offers 5, 6, and 8-hour tapes and DVDs, typically for under $20. This same store will also have a section of 90-minute tapes and DVDs for almost twice this price. This is NOT an oversight! The cheap, long-running porn movies feature poor quality footage, typically of people you wouldn’t have sex with unless you were trying to win “Fear Factor,” and are often shot by cameramen who appear to be suffering from Parkinson’s disease. Also, the DVDs at this price range often fail to work in cheaper DVD players, game systems that play DVDs, and even computers with DVD drives. Unless you have a fetish for pimple-infested ass-cheeks and fat sweaty men with mullets, your best policy is to shell out a few extra bucks for the good stuff.

2) ASK THE RIGHT QUESTIONS: Too often, people new to the experience of a porn store, and even veteran smut aficionados, will ask a clerk to suggest a movie. This is like asking Joel Giambra to recommend a good driver. The clerk will typically pick out some overpriced video that the store was trying to get rid of anyway, secure in the knowledge that you won’t be able to return it. If you are looking for a specific video, try to at least know what company published it or who the “stars” are.

3) WHY BUY IF YOU CAN RENT?: If the high price of quality porn is taking the wood out of your erection, then consider getting a rental membership at a porn store. There are many places in Buffalo which offer a rental program, and all of them are confidential establishments which, at the very least, won’t sell your personal information to a third party, the way most porno websites will. If you’re the type of person who only watches an adult movie once, and you don’t want to resort to getting your credit card numbers stolen online, then renting is the path for you!

4) LADIES, PICK OUT YOUR OWN SEX TOYS: Each woman has a different method of masturbation. Some only diddle their clitoris, while others want to feel deep and penetrating vibrations, and still others like to feel a little something extra on their perineum or in their anus. There is no universal sex toy suited for all women, no matter what you heard on “Real Sex,” so save yourself some grief and let the lady pick her own poison. Fortunately, this is one area where you can be forgiven for going cheaper; most sex toys have a life span of several months to a year, regardless of price.

5) LUBE - IT’S NOT JUST FOR BUTT SEX ANYMORE: Choosing a lubricant doesn’t have to be a confusing chore. Each lube is for something different. For example, use a water-based lubricant like ID or Wet, for regular masturbation or sexual intercourse, with or without a condom (if you are having unprotected sex, I recommend Wet Light, which is thinner and less greasy). Since these lubes are water-based, they more closely match your body’s own pH balance. Similarly, using a silicon-based lube with toys is a good idea, as they stay slick for hours, even underwater, and even help protect and maintain the toy. Brands such as Astroglide and System Jo are good for this. Anal sex? Try a thick, gel-based lube, such as Anal-Eze or Gel Plus. The viscosity of the lube will help protect this sensitive area during intercourse. Some anal lubes even contain benzocaine, a numbing agent, which helps deaden some of the more “ouchy” aspects of anal sex. Finally, don’t bother with flavored lubes. Those are just tacky.

6) CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM: Suppose you’re into granny gang-bangs, and you ask the clerk where Over The Hill Bukkake 4 can be found. The clerk will, more than likely, know where these tapes are located. This is because the clerk works there, NOT because the clerk shares your appreciation of geriatric three-ways. Initiating a conversation about the finer points of 80-year-old vagina is not recommended in this circumstance, unless of course you want the staff to start referring to you as “Mr. Wrinkle-Puss” behind your back. Similarly, it isn’t necessary to explain to the clerk why you’re making a purchase. “I’m buying this vibrating rubber fist as a gag gift” sounds about as silly as “this pipe is for tobacco use only” in the ears of a jaded porn store clerk, and is completely unnecessary.

7) ASSUME YOU CAN’T RETURN ANYTHING: Make your purchase count for something, because chances are you won’t be able to take it back, and you wouldn’t have the nerve if you could. Have the clerk open up and test any sex toy that requires a battery. Check DVDs for excessive scratches; a few scratches here and there won’t affect the playability, but if the underside of the disc looks like it needs a Zamboni, consider something different. VHS tapes are rarely a problem, but if you are excessively paranoid about it, you could ask the clerk to check it for tracking issues. And don’t even think about trying to return magazines or periodicals – it’s a sex store, not a library. In all cases, your best defense is a good offense.