FEATURES

Al Jazeera Cancelled
Explosive Programming Bombs in Baghdad
Allan Uthman

What a Difference Embedding Makes
Jimmy Massey, Ron Harris and Ambush Journalism
Stan Goff

ElimiDate Among Mammals
Our simian scribe tries internet dating

Magical Realism
9/11 survivor detects sleight of hand
Russ Wellen

Great Moments in 'New Europe' History
Poland squeals about Warsaw Pact attack map--in 2005!
Alexander Zaitchik

INFOGRAPHIC
Rewriting History?

The SHIT LIST
14 Things I Hate Right Now
Ian Murphy

Mujahideen Data Form
As seen by AG Gonzales

Reader Opinion
That's my X-Box & I'll Gouge Your Fucking Eyes Out to Get it

Interview with the Gun that Shot JFK

The 20 FUNNIEST THINGS about Kelly Holcomb's Concussion
by N. Sorrenti

Alito Once Had Abortion, Records Show

Robert Fisk's Great War for Civilisation
Book review by John Freeman



Marty Cusack mouths off & Bob McCarthy ressurects Giambra

KINO KORNER
Ice Harvest, Rent, Walk the Line and more!

WIDE RIGHT
Donahoe must be destroyed

BEAST-O-SCOPES
by Andrew Gullerstein

The BEAST PAGE 3
Old Piece of Shit

[sic]
The BEAST answers your letters

BEAST Classifieds


COMIX:
Idiot Box

Perry Bible Fellowship

BEAST ARCHIVES

The 20 Funniest things about Kelly Holcomb Getting a Concussion
N Sorrenti

20.) Whenever Kelly Holcomb tries to remember his Social Security Number, his eyes will roll back and a sound will come out of his mouth like someone punching a wet ham.

19.)  When Kelly Holcomb looks at the play book in practice, he will perceive all of the squiggles to be hieroglyphic prophecies written by offensive coordinator Tom Clements, and will begin worshiping him as a new and more powerful Jesus.

18.)  Kelly Holcomb will wake up in an old grain silo surrounded by putrefied mini-wheats, but will have no idea how he got there.

17.)  Whenever Kelly Holcomb signs an autograph, he will write Best Wishes, from your comrade, the eccentric Count Vladimere Kroisthove.

16.) When Kelly Holcomb tries to enter his PIN at the ATM, he will inadvertently enter a twenty-year-old code from Mike Tyson’s Punch Out, and his money will be transferred into the account of someone named Soda Popinski.

15.)  At practice, Holcomb will refer to Defensive Coordinator Jerry Gray’s wife as a “Slutty MILF.” He will then try to apologize, blaming the slip on his concussion, adding that he “Wouldn’t eff her with Josh Reed’s Dick.”

14.)  At pre-game banquets, Holcomb will no longer be trusted with cutlery. As a result, Ralph Wilson will have special, liquefied meals prepared for him, which he will have to lap out of an overturned helmet at the foot of the coaches’ table.

13.)  Kelly Holcomb will start weeping during haircuts.

12.)  Holcomb will decide to quit football and devote his life to persecuting Jewish people full time.

11.)  Team doctors will declare Holcomb a danger to himself and others, and insist that he be kept during away games in an electrified crate, which he will subsequently lick the bars of, shocking his already damaged brain.

10.) Kelly Holcomb will trade his Mustang to somebody for a Kelly Holcomb autograph.

9.)  To hasten his recovery, Holcomb will apply surgical leeches to his head, causing children and animals to flee from his horrible visage.

8.) Holcomb will accuse J.P. Losman of putting bad spells on his head, and will insist on carrying crystals and strips of dyed leather with him wherever he goes.

7.) Every Monday at 4:00 am, Holcomb will wake up groggy and beaten underneath Marv Levy’s Cadillac with his wrists bound and no memory of how he got there.

6.)  Kelly Holcomb will declare himself the new, more powerful Jesus and challenge Tom Clements to feats of strength. When Clements declines, Holcomb will demonstrate to his teammates the breadth of his powers by chewing the stuffing out of his own leg pads.

5.) During interviews, Holcomb will become disoriented, wishing colorblindness on people and accusing reporters of betraying his only begotten son.

4.)  Kelly Holcomb will fall madly in love with a Sacagawea dollar, but society will shun him. Hunted and miserable, he will be forced to move into a rented storage locker, where he will spend countless hours alone, tenderly stroking the edge of the coin.

3.)  As a side effect from the concussion medicine, Holcomb will sprout pre-teen breasts, and spend the bulk of his days fondling them in a mirror while lip-syncing to Sheena Easton records.

2.)  Holcomb will go on an epic journey in search of Don Beebe’s legendary concussion-proof helmet. After months of searching, he will eventually find it at a bazaar in Riyadh, and haggle with the merchant for seven days and seven nights, culminating in a fight to the death. Victorious, Holcomb will arrive in America to a hero’s welcome, and the rights to his tale will be purchased by Aaron Spelling. A poorly scripted, made-for-TV movie called “Kelly’s New Breasts” will quickly follow.

1.)  Kelly Holcomb will begin showering with his clothes on. When teammates ask him why, he will say that God told him to do it, because “It’s the classy thing to do.”

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

   
 

© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.