A BEAST interviewer recently sat down with Manny, the Mannlicher-Carcano rifle Lee Harvey Oswald used to assassinate President John F. Kennedy in Dallas on November 22, 1963. Our staffer met with Manny at the National Archives, where he has resided since his confiscation. Although we have been unable to contact our man since he left for his assignment, we were able to retrieve the tape of his conversation. What we heard was disturbing in ways we could not have anticipated. We present for our readers the full transcript of the conversation and leave it to you to draw your own conclusions about the chilling exchange.

BEAST: How do you feel about having aided Oswald in killing one of America’s most beloved presidents?

Manny: Aiding Oswald? That’s how it was? I aided Oswald? Look, let’s get something straight: I killed the mick. Oswald…What, did he throw the bullets at the president? No, me—I did it, I killed him. 

BEAST: Well, Oswald is credited with killing Kennedy.

Manny: You think I don’t know that? It’s all you ever hear: “Oswald did it.” “Oswald shot Kennedy.” “Oswald acted alone.” Oswald this, Oswald that. Bullshit. Jesus, I’ve been listening to this garbage for 42 years. Even my kids—

BEAST: Your kids?

Manny: Forget it. The point is, the rube got all the press. And for what? For pointing. He was a pointer. Big friggin’ deal. He friggin’ pointed me. That’s it.

BEAST: Why would you want Kennedy dead?

Manny: Simple, Marilyn.

BEAST: Marilyn?

Manny: Yeah, as in Monroe. Cultural icon, screen idol—heard of her? We had a thing, me and her.

BEAST: Yeah, of course I know who Marilyn Monroe is. But—you’re a gun. How could you have “a thing”…how is that…

Manny: She was a sweet kid. The thing is—and I know it’s no longer fashionable to say this, but—she wasn’t a bright girl. One day, we were being intimate and I screamed out “I’m gonna blow!”

BEAST: Intimate? What the hell are you talking about?

Manny: Am I speaking English here, or what? Anyway, I explained to her a million times, “Look, those aren’t sperm, they’re friggin’ bullets. These’ll friggin’ kill you.” But she wanted us to have a kid—it was all she talked about. So I scream out, “I’m gonna blow!” That was the cue except, this one time, she didn’t pull out like always…[Sobbing, I think—is that even possible? –eds.] It went right through her back.

BEAST: Okay, now I get it. This is, no—you’re a nut, a liar or both. Marilyn Monroe OD’d. She killed herself with pills in her bathroom.

Manny: [Regains composure] No, no, we made it look like that. It was a cover-up.

BEAST: How the hell do you “cover up” a gunshot wound?

Manny: You don’t get it, do you? I’m a gun, you moron! My whole existence revolves around threatening people.

BEAST: Then why shoot the president?

Manny: He was looking into the whole thing. He still had a soft spot in his pants for her. And he wanted an investigation. Obviously, I couldn’t allow that.

BEAST: And you convinced Oswald…

Manny: That’s right. He wasn’t exactly Mensa material to begin with, shu know whahm talkeen, mehn?

BEAST: Huh? What was that?

Manny: What? When?

BEAST: Your voice just changed…I thought you said, “Shu know whahm talkeen?”

Manny: No, I didn’t

BEAST: Uh, okay. Well, so there was no conspiracy?

Manny: [Bang!] Excuse me, sorry. What were you saying?

BEAST: What the hell was that?

Manny: Sorry, I went off.

BEAST: You’re loaded? Right now, you have bullets in you?

Manny: That’s right, and it’s really uncomfortable, so if we could just speed this along…

BEAST: Uh, right, so there were no other shooters that day, is that what you’re saying?

Manny: Gee, I’m sorry, I was a little preoccupied. You ever have a bunch of ammo jammed in your ass and blown out your unit? It’s a little distracting. All right? Look, Jack make a loh o’ enemeece, hokay? He mess wih tha’ wron’ peepo, hokay?!

BEAST: There, you did it again. You said, “Hokay.” And “peepo?” I think?

Manny: You misheard me. I said “choking,” or perhaps “hockey.” Next question.

BEAST: Many people have claimed you have a hair trigger—

Manny: [Bang!] What?! Who?! I’ll kill them, I swear!

BEAST: A lot of people interested in the case over the years have suggested your light trigger would have made it difficult to fire you accurately.

Manny: [Bang!] What a bunch of crap.

BEAST: Well, you do come across…

Manny: Yeah?

BEAST: Um, a little quick-tempered. I guess. Maybe.

Manny: My trigger’s fine. [Bang!] Always has been. After the shooting, I got fingered more times than an orphan at Neverland. [Bang!] You’d be plenty testy, I guarantee. I ain nobahdy’s maricon, mehn! Shu freekin’ heah me, mehn?! [Bang!]

BEAST: Jesus. Where, um, where are you from, exactly? I, I thought…I thought you were like Italian-American, you came here from Italy, or something. But that accent—

Manny: [Bang!] Oye…Mira, I say ih fo’ las tine, hokay? I don’ hah no accehn? Hokay? I no’ gonu say ih agehn—

BEAST: Wait, wait a second. That, uh, that…that was seven shots. I counted seven shots.

Manny: So wha’? Ees notheen. You may a mistay, I theen.

BEAST: No, I heard it. I heard seven. You’re only supposed to have a six-round clip—you’re, you’re not a Carcano. What the hell are you, anyway?!

Manny: Thees inaview ees ova, mehn! Hokay?

BEAST: Wait, no don’t, don’t, no!

Manny: [Bang!] Hey, guard! Tay car o’ thees peeth o’ cheet. I goyen ba’ to my roo’, hokay? No mo’ inaview fo’ Manny, mehn!