THE
BEAST SHIT
LIST!
14
Things To Hate This Fortnight
1)
Grown Men Wearing Sports Jerseys in Social Situations
What:
Desperate, corporately manufactured flashes of vicarious
and oft ineffective Darwinian displays of masculinity
and physical prowess.
Why:
Seriously, why? Why are you wearing that idiotic Nike
ad - with some other guy’s name on it? Does it make you
special, enhance your status or help you get laid? No,
sorry, it doesn’t.
Rebuttal:
“Oh look, its Randy Moss’s idiotic devotee. We wonder
why such a fat, fantasy football fuckwad wouldn’t have
gone pro him self? Oh – right, the knee. Whatever you
say, pigskin.”
2)
Wyoming
What:
Evil birth state of Dick Cheney
Why:
Evil birth state of Dick Cheney
Rebuttal:
Their quarter isn’t coming out until 2007 - and no
one cares. Take that in the Tetons, hicks!
3)
Cockroaches
What:
“The poor man’s IPod.”
Why:
Scurrying exoskeletal automatons remind us of mortality,
awakening a visceral hysteria on par with that of their
descendant, Sean Hannity, and lend perspective on our
collective lot in this existential wasteland of death,
disease and poverty.
Rebuttal:
Shoes, bibles, bleach, fire.
4)
“Have A Nice Day” Smiley Face Plastic Bags.
What:
Polyethylene product with the sinister ability to
offer camp, bleak commentary.
Why:
Bags shan’t engage in discourse, and should comport
themselves in a matter befitting the strictest utility;
both in chemical composition and in lacking platitude.
Plus, we are certain these bags are totally insincere!
They don’t care.
Rebuttal:
Those responsible for this ubiquitous and thin irony
of empty consumerism should be publicly asphyxiated with
one of said bags at the hands of a Salvation Army Santa
in a Target vestibule crowded with small children.
5)
Unborn Babies
What:
Powerful zygotes whose influence on American politics
has become nearly supreme.
Why:
Their pathetic pleas for life are offensive to our
exquisitely sensitive ears.
Rebuttal:
“Get in the fucking vacuum! Do it, you stupid blood
clot!”
6)
Local Anchor Banter
What:
The forced, inane, tepid bits of “fun talk” between segments
on your favorite local news broadcast.
Why:
These improv moments reveal the reason our local news
team members have landed here: they are hollow, slow-witted
mediocrities.
Rebuttal:
“Back to you, moron. Now make my skin crawl with another
shitty joke.”
6)
Reconstructionists
What:
Dominionist group of wayward “Christian” zombies who
see it as their mission to proselytize the entire world
before the second coming of Christ, by sword or depleted
uranium lollypops if need be. They seek to hasten the
second coming by creating an ultimate no-holds-barred
cage match of American theocracy, in which women will
be stoned to death for adultery, and other Old Testament
fun-time activities will entertain us all! Gary DeMar,
the founder of the American Vision Biblical Worldview
Ministry, is considered something of a liberal among the
Reconstructionists, because he’d execute gays only if
they were caught indulging in sodomy. “I’m happy to just
drive them back into the closet,” he says. What a fag!
Why:
They exist, and one of them is running for governor
of Alabama.
Rebuttal:
Give them back to “Gawud,” via mass consumption of
delicious, ten commandments-shaped Phenobarbital petit
fours at the next church bake sale.
7)
Arby’s
What:
Blight on the development of a mature palate and evolution
through substandard nutritional and taste.
Why:
They wouldn’t serve us at the drive-through without
a car, refused us entrance to the closed dinning area,
and their golden curly fries are giving us man boobs.
Rebuttal:
Scale model Arby’s burned in effigy, igniting a slow
leak of grease and horsey sauce seeping from the back
door of the Arby’s on Delaware and Allen, selectively
killing only the Wednesday night manager and his extended
family.
8)
Homeless Who Refuse to Jig for Money
What:
Mentally unstable, substance abusing beggars, brazen
enough to both beg for money, and choose what tasks are
suitable for receiving compensation.
Why:
Like most, demeaning others gives us great joy. Look,
we want you to have that 40 too, but on principle, we
demand a dance, preferably the running man.
Rebuttal:
Total apathy.
9)
America’s Army: Rise of a Soldier - Now Available on
PS2!
What:
Video game designed by the US Army, developed by the
internationally subsidized French firm Ubisoft, and available
at all Wal Mart’s for the low, low price of $39.82.
Why:
The intense first person shooter action and career
path options have inspired us to kill dark people in oil
rich lands! And at a fraction of the cost of the Army’s
total recruitment budget!
Rebuttal:
“Up, Up, Down, X, Y, X, A, Down, C, C, Up, Right,
Up, Right, X.”
10)
The Troops
What:
You know – those weird fuckers in camouflage what
keeps getting blown up.
Why:
We don’t support their mission; therefore we must
hate them, and, like everybody against the war, summarily
rejoice when we hear news of their deaths!
Rebuttal:
“Long live the terrorists, Jihad, Allah, etc.”
11)
Email from 1969
What:
“Spam from the summer of love.”
Why:
These spammers are a unique, and cunning breed from
a “groovy” time and place our minds can not comprehend,
a world of “magic dragons” and moderate social liberalism.
All spammers deserve derision, shackles and eternal whipping
with razor sharp USB cords fashioned into a cat-o-nine
tails, wielded by a thoroughly entertained John Stossel,
who shouts “Give me a Break!” every time the spammers
cry.
Rebuttal:
“Congratulations your email was at the top of my inbox,
the first to be deleted, and our drugs are better than
yours.”
12)
Local News Anchor Banter
What:The
forced, inane, tepid bits of “fun talk” between segments
on your favorite local news broadcast.
Why:These
improv moments reveal the reason our local news team members
have landed here: they are hollow, slow-witted mediocrities.
Rebuttal:
“Back to you, moron. Now make my skin crawl with another
shitty joke.”
13)
Crying Virgins
What:
Religious idols with magic tears, or oxidized fungus
water, draining through cracks in their eyes. Your call.
Why:
For a miracle or whatever, it just seems sort of pedestrian.
Rebuttal:
“Let’s smash it and see if God’s inside!”
14)
The Chinese
What:
A race of small, yellowish bipeds with a penchant
for toxic water.
Why:
They can’t have a huge ecological disaster, facilitated
by systemic government malfeasance – that is totally our
thing!
Rebuttal:
“USA! USA!”
