The “War on Christmas” may be nothing but empty right-wing hype, but that hasn’t stopped Über-Christian James Dobson from ramping up his three-year-old “Christmas Project,” organizing more than 800 lawyers to defend the baby Jesus. We called to pester his Alliance Defense Fund staff.

Alliance Defense Fund: Thank you for waiting. How may I direct your call?

BEAST: Uh yes, this is Ian Murphy.

ADF: Hi Ian, this is Liz.

BEAST: Hi Liz. Sorry I had to call you back but, uh, you know, it’s illegal to drive and talk in New York.

ADF: Okay, no that’s fine. I’d rather have you park somewhere than get in an accident. So what can I help you with today? Actually Ian, can I ask you a few questions, um, before we start? Um, you live in New York?

BEAST: Yes.

ADF: Okay, and, um, how did you hear about ADF?

BEAST: Well, after I had this incident with my neighbor, I brought it up with the neighbor on the other side, and he told me about Mr. Dobson’s organization and the great things you people were doing.

ADF: Okay, all right, great. Um, okay, and what is the situation that you’re dealing with?

BEAST: Well first of all, praise Jesus

ADF: Okay. Yes.

BEAST: Second of all, all right, this neighbor. I don’t know where he’s from; I don’t know if he’s foreign; I don’t know what but, you know, we see him from time to time, and I say merry Christmas and he kinda gives me the slanty eyes.

ADF: Uh huh.

BEAST: Yeah, so I was wondering what I should do about that in the war on Christmas. Should I – is it ok to launch a preemptive strike, so to speak?

ADF: Well is he – has he done anything, or said anything about you saying “merry Christmas?”

BEAST: Well, you know, he doesn’t speak – his English is sort of broken. I can’t understand; he mumbles.

ADF: Okay.

BEAST: But it’s, you know, a hostile mumble.

ADF: Uh – okay.

BEAST: And he has some sort of decoration – I don’t know what they are, they’re like candles.

ADF: Okay.

BEAST: They’re taking the Christ out of Christmas.

ADF: Right, um, Ian, for this sort of situation, basically what I would probably suggest is, um, you know, whatever you’re doing – I know you want to, you know, keep Christ in Christmas, so we would suggest doing everything you can in your community to make it known that it’s still about Christmas. So, I don’t know if you have decorations up at your house –

BEAST: Well, we’re making a 50-foot – well, we hope to make it a 50-foot ice sculpture Jesus.

ADF: An ice sculpture of Jesus?

BEAST: Yeah.

ADF: And is that going to be in your front yard?

BEAST: Yes sir…ma’am, excuse me.

ADF: It’s okay.

BEAST: Praise Jesus. And you know, we’re only halfway done. We’re about up to the belly button. And, um, you know, I can tell this guy’s already looking at it like he’s gonna rip it down.

ADF: Okay. Well at this point, Ian, we – because we are an organization that intervenes and litigates for specific legal incidences, since there is nothing – you’re not involved in a legal incident right now – there’s not a lot that we can do – um…

BEAST: Well, the thing is uh, you know, we’re making the ice sculpture, so I got the hose out, and were rolling the snow and uh, you know the guy gives me the shifty eyes, and I just say, “Hey, that’s my Jesus.”

ADF: Right.

BEAST: That he’s shifting his eyes at.

ADF: Right.

BEAST: So I sprayed the water on his front steps and he fell.

ADF: And he fell?

BEAST: Yeah. Now he’s suing me, and that’s why I’m calling you.

ADF: Okay, so he’s suing you…

BEAST: Because he’s taking the Christ out of Christmas.

ADF: Okay, but basically he’s suing you because of the water incident and for his injury, correct?

BEAST: Yeah.

ADF: Okay, um.

BEAST: But it all stems from this, uh, religious confrontation.

ADF: Right. No, I understand that, and basically Ian, you know, we litigate and we were set up by Dr. Dobson and other founders to only litigate cases dealing with religious liberty issues and sanctity of life issues. Now, since he hasn’t taken action against your freedom of religion, there’s nothing that we can do in terms of the law to litigate against him

BEAST: Well, one of the legs fell off the Jesus.

ADF: Did he do that?

BEAST: There’s rumors.

ADF: Okay, did you call the police about that?

BEAST: Uh, no I didn’t.

ADF: Ok, I would suggest – I would first tell you to call your local authorities if he was on your property or he had destroyed something on your property. Because we – it’s not a first amendment issue, so you know what I mean, we can’t litigate and use our resources for something, like, that is not a first amendment issue. So, and I know this whole thing stems from the war on Christmas, but if there’s no specific religious liberty right that has been violated according to the constitution, then we can’t get involved. So if, I mean, like lets say your child –

BEAST: So you’re telling me… I started a, you know, preemptive war here, and you’re not going to help me out?

ADF: Well, sir, because it doesn’t fall within our scope.

BEAST: [sigh of disappointment] I was –

ADF: And we support – I mean, whatever you do, you know, in the name of the lord that is within the limits of, you know, biblical limits. And you…

BEAST: Like smiting.

ADF: Like smiting?

BEAST: Yeah… figuratively, of course. Figurative smiting.

ADF: However you choose to display Christ at your home, and you know, keep Christ in Christmas, we would encourage that. Any other issues – if it’s not a first amendment issue we can’t help with [sic]. Because that’s how our organization was set up. Unfortunately we aren’t the organization that can assist in this situation, that you’re dealing with.

BEAST: Hmm.

ADF: But we are, you know, we are supportive of you in the war on Christmas and we’re doing everything we can in other, you know, in other situations to help this issue.

BEAST: Okay, well, I have a feeling there’s going to be plenty more battles in the neighborhood

ADF: All right.

BEAST: And if my rights are abridged I will certainly call back.

ADF: Okay Ian.

BEAST: Thank you for your time.

ADF: Thank you.

BEAST: Bye.

ADF: Bye bye.