The BEAST PAGE 3 FUCKED UP KITTEN

Name: Cyclops, AKA Cy

Turn-ons: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Why was I made like this?! Why?! Cruel, cruel wor- AH! Stop touching me! Stop touching me!

Turn-offs: Um, geez, I don't know, maybe uh - THIS WHOLE ONE EYE, NO NOSE THING! Rubber nipples, and uh, that's about all I can think of since my little brain don't work proper.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Fucked Up Kitten: I worked my way up the hard way, you know, day gigs washing dishes, busking, playin' the chitlin circuit getting my chops up. And one day my tour manager takes me aside and says, "look kid, you're only going to live for like 5 days. Settle down, stop running your self ragged." By that time everybody in the band was supporting huge coke habits, and getting desperate, which never happened to me, you know, because I have no nose. So I just thought it was time to get back to the basics; you know, being a cute little mutant who's just waiting to die. And here I am.

Future plans: Quick death followed by cheap yet dignified shoebox funeral.

How I'd like to be remembered: As a clear example of natural selection in action, and how not to intelligently design the division of an embryo forebrain into bilateral cerebral hemispheres.

 

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
Our disturbingly popular annual list of the foulest among us, for a particularly objectionable year.
The Year in Ephemera
Our 2005 Timeline.
Andrew Gullerstein Predicts!
Iron-clad predictions for the new year.
What's Going On
You just don't know, do you?
by A. Monkey
Buh-buh-buh-bye, Sharon-a
What you won't be hearing this week about Ariel Sharon
by Paul Jones
Mine Shaft
Undermining mine safety
by Kit Smith

Last Issue: #90

e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com

 
 

© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.                 Back to front page