20.) Famished from his long voyage through the afterlife, Joel Osteen will arrive in Heaven and be force fed seven hundred and seventy seven Salisbury steaks by an angel who looks like Terri Schiavo, but without the twisted limbs. 

19.) Upon Joel Osteen’s arrival in paradise, Donwen, patron saint of sick animals, will instruct him to disrobe completely. After doing so, Osteen will be sponged clean by a thousand cherubs using velvety soft kitten skins.

18.) In Heaven, Joel Osteen will be given a palace to live in made of rock candy and chick-o-sticks, complete with fruit roll up carpeting and a machine that follows him around and shoots Orangina into his mouth whenever he wants it.

17.) In Heaven, Joel Osteen will explore the city of New Jerusalem on a rhinestone covered Segway, where he will meet a slimmer, younger Charles Durning. After becoming fast friends, the two will share many wholesome adventures, such as frolicking in flower-strewn meadows and splashing each other in the Boone's Farm® wine fountain.

16.) When Joel Osteen opens his mouth in Heaven, Tsar Boris Godunov’s voice will boom out, reciting little-known Proverbs in seventeenth century Russian.

15.) Instead of an alarm clock, Joel Osteen will be crooned awake each morning by a golden peacock, which lands on his windowsill and sings Crocodile Rock while defecating French toast sticks.

14.) In Heaven, Michael the Archangel will bequeath Osteen with enchanted jeans, which have the power to turn him into Lee Marvin for short periods.

13.) In Heaven, Osteen will be given a magic butter lamb by John the Baptist, and when he eats it he will be imbued with a trinity of divine powers: 1.) The ability to sling webs out of his wrists, 2.) The ability to do math at one trillion floating-point operations per second, and 3.) The ability to sense which oysters have pearls in them without having to open them.

12.) As a reward for never whipping anybody an earth, once a week, Angels will fly Osteen via bejeweled chariot to  Purgatory, where he will be allowed to whip Victor French mercilessly across the back with a radiator hose for as long as he likes.

11.) When Victor French is finally let out of Purgatory and into Heaven, he will meet Osteen and subsequently forgive him for the lashings. From then on, Osteen and French will become the best of friends, and will fly to Purgatory together, where they will be allowed to team-whip Peter Jennings for as long as they want.

10.) Upon entering heaven, Osteen will be asked to choose a pair of wings, but his request for amphibious gills instead of wings will offend Saint Bartholomew so much that he will be forced to wear hairy, leathery fruit bat wings for all eternity. As an added humiliation, the wings will be adorned with garish advertisements for Doritos and Bud Light.

9.) In Heaven, Joel Osteen will be given an enormous breasted, Hebrew speaking Nymph companion, which gleeks Old Spice on him every few minutes and turns stones into bagel sandwiches with the flick of a wand.

8.) Joel Osteen will discover that when he has trouble sleeping in Heaven, he has merely to click his heels together, and a band of translucent water Dryads will appear and sing for him Earl Scruggs’ touching hymn “Fill her up,” an ode to weary, over the road truckers.

7.)  In Heaven, Osteen will ask God for permission not to have to wear a halo. When God asks him why, Osteen will make up some excuse about having a weak neck, but God will read his thoughts and know that the real reason is that he thinks a halo will muss his hair.

6.) God will make Osteen wear a halo anyway, and it will muss his hair so much that he will have to hire James Doohan to follow him around all day with a daub of mousse at the ready.

5.) Osteen will scoff at having to wear a plain white robe in Heaven, after being accustomed to prime fitting suits on Earth. As a result, he will have to spend eternity wearing musketeer boots and an old Hartford Whalers jersey somebody left on a bench.

4.) Osteen will discover that when he goes to the bathroom in heaven, instead of urine, a fine stream of expertly cut jewels will emanate from his penis.

3.) In Heaven, Joel Osteen will be able to summon ponies.

2.) In Heaven Osteen will be presented with three virgin wives. The first will be a half Bea Arthur, half Centaur. The second will be Lilly Tomlin, and the third will be a sixteen Ft. tall golem named Goricky, molded to look like Ricky Lake when she was skinny.

1.) In Heaven, a turtle with an ashtray rubber-cemented to its back will follow Osteen wherever he goes. Despite the fact that cigarettes are good for you in Heaven, Osteen will insist on smoking Ultra Lights.  


The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
Our disturbingly popular annual list of the foulest among us, for a particularly objectionable year.
The Year in Ephemera
Our 2005 Timeline.
Andrew Gullerstein Predicts!
Iron-clad predictions for the new year.
What's Going On
You just don't know, do you?
by A. Monkey
Buh-buh-buh-bye, Sharon-a
What you won't be hearing this week about Ariel Sharon
by Paul Jones
Mine Shaft
Undermining mine safety
by Kit Smith

Last Issue: #90

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