Famished from his long voyage through the afterlife,
Joel Osteen will arrive in Heaven and be force fed seven
hundred and seventy seven Salisbury steaks by an angel who
looks like Terri Schiavo, but without the twisted limbs.
19.) Upon Joel Osteen’s arrival in paradise, Donwen,
patron saint of sick animals, will instruct him to disrobe
completely. After doing so, Osteen will be sponged clean
by a thousand cherubs using velvety soft kitten skins.
18.) In Heaven, Joel Osteen will be given a palace
to live in made of rock candy and chick-o-sticks, complete
with fruit roll up carpeting and a machine that follows
him around and shoots Orangina into his mouth whenever he
17.) In Heaven, Joel Osteen will explore the city of
New Jerusalem on a rhinestone covered Segway, where he will
meet a slimmer, younger Charles Durning. After becoming
fast friends, the two will share many wholesome adventures,
such as frolicking in flower-strewn meadows and splashing
each other in the Boone's Farm® wine fountain.
16.) When Joel Osteen opens his mouth in Heaven, Tsar
Boris Godunov’s voice will boom out, reciting little-known
Proverbs in seventeenth century Russian.
15.) Instead of an alarm clock, Joel Osteen will be
crooned awake each morning by a golden peacock, which lands
on his windowsill and sings Crocodile Rock while
defecating French toast sticks.
14.) In Heaven, Michael the Archangel will bequeath
Osteen with enchanted jeans, which have the power to turn
him into Lee Marvin for short periods.
13.) In Heaven, Osteen will be given a magic butter
lamb by John the Baptist, and when he eats it he will be
imbued with a trinity of divine powers: 1.) The ability
to sling webs out of his wrists, 2.) The ability to do math
at one trillion floating-point operations per second, and
3.) The ability to sense which oysters have pearls in them
without having to open them.
12.) As a reward for never whipping anybody an earth,
once a week, Angels will fly Osteen via bejeweled chariot
to Purgatory, where he will be allowed to whip Victor
French mercilessly across the back with a radiator hose
for as long as he likes.
11.) When Victor French is finally let out of Purgatory
and into Heaven, he will meet Osteen and subsequently forgive
him for the lashings. From then on, Osteen and French will
become the best of friends, and will fly to Purgatory together,
where they will be allowed to team-whip Peter Jennings for
as long as they want.
10.) Upon entering heaven, Osteen will be asked to
choose a pair of wings, but his request for amphibious gills
instead of wings will offend Saint Bartholomew so much that
he will be forced to wear hairy, leathery fruit bat wings
for all eternity. As an added humiliation, the wings will
be adorned with garish advertisements for Doritos and Bud
9.) In Heaven, Joel Osteen will be given an enormous
breasted, Hebrew speaking Nymph companion, which gleeks
Old Spice on him every few minutes and turns stones
into bagel sandwiches with the flick of a wand.
8.) Joel Osteen will discover that when he has trouble
sleeping in Heaven, he has merely to click his heels together,
and a band of translucent water Dryads will appear and sing
for him Earl Scruggs’ touching hymn “Fill her up,” an ode
to weary, over the road truckers.
7.) In Heaven, Osteen will ask God for permission
not to have to wear a halo. When God asks him why, Osteen
will make up some excuse about having a weak neck, but God
will read his thoughts and know that the real reason is
that he thinks a halo will muss his hair.
6.) God will make Osteen wear a halo anyway, and it
will muss his hair so much that he will have to hire James
Doohan to follow him around all day with a daub of mousse
at the ready.
5.) Osteen will scoff at having to wear a plain white
robe in Heaven, after being accustomed to prime fitting
suits on Earth. As a result, he will have to spend eternity
wearing musketeer boots and an old Hartford Whalers jersey
somebody left on a bench.
4.) Osteen will discover that when he goes to the bathroom
in heaven, instead of urine, a fine stream of expertly cut
jewels will emanate from his penis.
3.) In Heaven, Joel Osteen will be able to summon ponies.
2.) In Heaven Osteen will be presented with three virgin
wives. The first will be a half Bea Arthur, half Centaur.
The second will be Lilly Tomlin, and the third will be a
sixteen Ft. tall golem named Goricky, molded to look
like Ricky Lake when she was skinny.
1.) In Heaven, a turtle with an ashtray rubber-cemented
to its back will follow Osteen wherever he goes. Despite
the fact that cigarettes are good for you in Heaven, Osteen
will insist on smoking Ultra Lights.