2005 proved to be a year of overwhelming natural disasters, international aggression, violence, terrorism and deadly celebrity meltdowns. Will 2006 be another vicious year of extreme weather? Will 2006 bring reason, or continued psychopathic behavior in US culture, politics and the television appearances of Tom Cruise? Will we see the continued rise of the American police state? Will Brangelina tie the knot? Are we approaching the end of days? Will you find true love? All of these amazing truths and more have been revealed to me in a cosmic, Zoloft-induced trance. If you are fainthearted, or easily startled, I implore you –READ NO FURTHER! And if you dare –prepare to be amazed!


World:

Recently elected liberal president of Bolivia Evo Morales will be pressured to conform to a World Bank/IMF economic model. His stubborn refusal will cause him to suffer a “severe depression,” and shoot himself in the head 15 times.

The U. N. will officially report a state of genocide in Sudan’s Darfur region. The release of the report will be delayed several years over debates in comma placement.

In a desperate effort to stop us from destroying the world, Canada and the EU will cooperate in an “education relief” effort, dropping millions of easy-to-read pamphlets outlining the main points of our constitution and legal structure over America’s heartland. Nobody will read them.

Israel will use US supplied weapons and intelligence to bomb several Iranian underground nuclear facilities in mid March. In an unrelated story, a fourth grade social studies teacher will accidentally mispronounce “Israel,” and face international condemnation.

China’s rise as a global economic superpower will slow, somewhat, as I boycott their cheap- ass, malfunctioning lighters!


National:

87-year-old Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens will fall ill and retire. The first nominee to replace him, Goliath the claymation dog, will encounter unexpected controversy and resistance,  despite the president’s vigorous defense of his “outstanding record and fortitude of character. ” The Terrorists will strike at any moment.

Like …NOW!

The NSA’s domestic spying program will continue unabated, revealing important terrorist secrets, such as Dennis Kucinich’s highly guarded tofurkey recipe.

Packs of rabid, Mexicanized Chihuahuas will threaten hundreds of Southwestern taquerias.

Christopher Hitchens will debate Anna Nicole Smith. The topic: Who is the biggest drunken whore? No clear victor will emerge.

The US Gulf coast will once again be battered with a series of powerful hurricanes; the experienced Michael Brown will spring into action, consulting FEMA on the proper wine complement for duck a l’orange.


Science:

The debate between evolution and intelligent design will forever be settled in a highly rated televised knife fight between televangelist Benny Hinn and a Kevlar-plated silver back gorilla.

After a space mission safely returns with a cargo of dust from a comet 400 million kilometers away, it will be launched again by NASA’s newly appointed Evangelical Christian Director in an epic, fruitless search for Lemon-Fresh Pledge and paper towels.

A worldwide pandemic of bird flu will be a lot more fun than people think.

Tech stocks will lag, partially due to disappointing sales of the new Apple iPod micro, a 500 gigabyte mp3 player that cannot be seen with the naked eye.


Religion:

The second coming of Christ will receive surprisingly meager publicity, due to a scheduling conflict with the season finale of “Desperate Housewives. ”To revive interest,  Jehovah will write a sordid tell-all follow up to the bible, titled “On the Eighth Day I Invented three-ways. ” Kabbalah will see a decline in membership,  as it is revealed to be just as, if not more retarded as every other faith.

A vision of the Virgin Mary will appear in the wood grain of Judge Joe Brown’s gavel, and subsequently file suit for 2006 years of back child support.

Hinduism will gain traction in the US from the popularity of a new Showtime series, “The H Word.” Somehow this show too, will be little more than an excuse to show chicks making out.

The al Qaeda movement will suffer a significant setback when one of its members finally reads the Koran and informs his friends that “there’s nothing in here about exploding yourself.” Mormons will still creep everyone else out a little.


Business:

Rampant US ethnocentricity and tightened border security will lead to a drastic rise in shaggy lawns and the use of paper plates in the nation’s restaurants.

You will have your pension diverted to a 401K plan that will benefit the wealthy and lower your standard of living. You reclaim your financial independence by penning a critically acclaimed dog food cookbook.

Bob the Builder will be laid off and take to felching Oscar the Grouch to feed his children and pay the bills.

Billionaire Richard Branson will fail to construct a space shuttle large enough to house his ego.


Entertainment:

A gay Norwegian gymnast will have to sign confidentiality agreement in order to have sex with Tom Cruise.

As result of a catastrophic wardrobe malfunction, one of Keith Richard’s petrified testicles will be briefly exposed and turned to dust by a stiff breeze during the Super Bowl half time show. Thousands will be hospitalized for inhalation of toxic nut dust (ITND).

Oprah Winfrey’s ratings will plummet after she spends an entire show eating a 25-pound wheel of sharp cheddar cheese while sobbing uncontrollably.

Madonna’s ass will make headlines yet again, when it applies for Social Security Disability insurance.

Success of the original, and pronounced global warming will spur the release of a sequel to the hit film March of the Penguins, entitled Swimming of the Penguins, for Months at a Time, as They Die Horribly by the Hundreds,  Drowning from Exhausted Little Wings and Absence of Dry Land.

Shocking photos will emerge of a well- groomed Bigfoot kanoodling with a bikinied Jennifer Aniston. “Sasquatchifer” will captivate the nation’s imagination, but the hideous creature will have its heart broken when Sasquatch leaves her for someone “who isn’t such a tight-ass. ” The Family Circus will still suck.

Donald Trump’s hairpiece will spontaneously achieve sentience viciously attack Barbara Walters on live television.


Fashion:

In increasingly absurd attempts to emulate black culture and “keep it real” in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, thousands of suburban white teens will adopt a new trend of floating facedown in pools of stagnant filth.

Gay will be the “new black.” The “Hoover flag” will see a wide resurgence.

The zoot suit will see continued popularity among cartoon wolves.


Personal Life:

You will unwittingly perform a flawless rendition of John Cage’s 4’33” while eating a loaded steak hoagie.

You will continue to disappoint those around you.

You will buy a new calendar.

You will find true love; unfortunately, you will also find true genital warts.

You will be incessantly harangued to pay back Sallie Mae, Capital One and Jesus for that time they  did you a solid. ” Despite your own admissions to lack talent,  and anything resembling humor or wit, your NBC sitcom writing contract will be renewed.

You will feel betrayed and incensed to learn Carlos Mencia is in not Mexican, but is in fact Honduran!

You will learn the true meaning of Secretary’s Day.

 

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
Our disturbingly popular annual list of the foulest among us, for a particularly objectionable year.
The Year in Ephemera
Our 2005 Timeline.
Andrew Gullerstein Predicts!
Iron-clad predictions for the new year.
What's Going On
You just don't know, do you?
by A. Monkey
Buh-buh-buh-bye, Sharon-a
What you won't be hearing this week about Ariel Sharon
by Paul Jones
Mine Shaft
Undermining mine safety
by Kit Smith

Last Issue: #90

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