my dearest Capricorn, I just wanted to wish you a Happy New Year and
a Happy Birthday as well! A new year brings new resolutions and personal
goals. You, Capricorn, have resolved to quite your job, buy a gigantic
bag of weed, stay home and order out for five straight weeks. You
have found a way to use initiative to eliminate initiative and the
only thing I can say, Capricorn, is that I envy you sir and would
be glad to smoke your grass and eat your pizza.
my dearest Aquarius and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You, Aquarius, have resolved to not only expose
but also rub your gigantic boobs all over my face. You have truly
evolved into a higher state of being, Aquarius, by realizing that
your new year's resolution should be more about helping others to
live their dreams and achieve their goals, thus bettering oneself.
my dearest Pisces and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You, Pisces, have resolved to form a Color Me
Badd cover band. I'm not really sure why you have made this a life
goal but, I suppose the upside is that you will not need to learn
an instrument and only have to memorize about two songs. May the
stars light your path, Pisces, and when you perform "I Wanna
Sex You Up," you do it with everything you have, Pisces
my dearest Aries and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You, Aries, have resolved to stop crying after
each time your priest gives you a hand job in the confessional,
and I say breathe deep the air of self-confidence and you shall
achieve you goal. Once you accept yourself for who you truly are,
nothing shall stand in your way. The odd thing is that you go to
confession to rid yourself of the sin of getting a hand job in the
confessional, which inevitably leads to another hand job, but that's
something for another time.
my dearest Taurus and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You have resolved to stop drinking a liter of
bourbon every evening and beating the shit out of your wife and
kids. This is a good goal for you to achieve, Taurus, but keep in
mind that switching to a liter of gin won't be the solution. You
will need to go cold turkey, Taurus, and I recommend you do it soon
because your wife has been watching the Lifetime channel and is
starting to imagine the benefits of covering you in gasoline and
setting you aflame while you slumber. I would have to say that giving
up the hooch is the better option.
my dearest Gemini and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You, Gemini, have resolved to finally save up
the money and buy yourself a mail-order bride. The goal you have
set for yourself is a noble one, Gemini, and to help you in your
quest I recommend goodwife.com for all of your wife shopping needs.
There you will be able to access a vast database of potential soul
mates and can even sort them by ethnicity (Latinas are all the rage
these days) and age. I'm sure you will also find the "add to
cart" option a handy tool. You have chosen the path of love,
Gemini, and the stars will gladly light your path.
my dearest Cancer and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You, Cancer, have resolved to stop eating an entire
can of refried beans before going over to your girlfriend's apartment
and then blaming your foul-smelling farts on the dog. This is an easy
resolution to adhere to, and will benefit not only your life but also
the life of that poor dog, which has been to the vet at least six
times for invasive tests and multiple enemas. It is time to have some
decency and show some love for a fellow creature of earth, because
that dog hates you, Cancer, with a hate a real as any human's.
my dearest Leo and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You, Leo, have resolved to begin drinking a
liter of bourbon every evening and beating the shit out of your
wife and kids. I'm not sure where you are going with this, but I
think you're missing the point of a new year's resolution. Maybe
you should rethink your goal and donate some canned goods or something
because the drunk and abusive husband/father idea is just plain
bad. Just some food for thought, Leo.
my dearest Virgo and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You, Virgo, have resolved to stop beating up
the retarded kids in the bathroom during their weekly visits to
the library and try to find a more positive outlet for your energy.
This is a good idea Virgo; maybe instead of beating up retards you
could help them find some fun books with lots of pictures. Turn
it around, Virgo, before you pick on the wrong 'tard and discover
that some are unusually fast, unusually strong and unusually angry.
Just an FYI.
my dearest Libra and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You, Libra, have resolved to convince your pregnant
girlfriend to resolve your dispute by having a paternity test done
on the Maury Povich show. Your hope being that you are not the father
and will be able to do a dance around the studio in celebration.
This resolution demonstrates what a complete piece of shit you truly
are, Libra, and your existence makes a strong argument for post-birth
my dearest Scorpio and Happy New Year! A new year brings new resolutions
and personal goals. You, Scorpio, have resolved to switch from wearing
briefs to boxer briefs. I like it Scorpio; it's not too much and
not too little. You're committing to the middle and that's ok. Go
with God my son.
my dearest Sagittarius and Happy New Year! A new year brings new
resolutions and personal goals. You, Sagittarius, have resolved
to stop being a pedophile and find a more meaningful activity. This
is good, Sagittarius, and the Stars have indicated that the best
hobby for you to move onto is shooting yourself in the face with
a 12-gauge shotgun, you wretched piece of shit. If you have any
problems finding a shotgun or pulling the trigger I will be glad
to assist you. Just give me a jingle.