Name: Mohammed with bomb turban

Turn-ons: Heavy-handed didacticism, ironically confirmed preconceptions, the first amendment, or whatever its Danish equivalent may be

Turn-offs: Dead Dutch filmmakers, humorless maniacs, cartoon-worshipping idolaters, wussy editors

How I got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 ARMAGEDDON-INCITING DOODLE: It seemed my impact would be small and short-lived, like most of my crudely illustrated brethren. But then, half a year later, a pissed off religious leader armed only with a few faked blasphemies of his own gave me prominence by far unwarranted by my simplistic metaphorical content and substandard crosshatching.

Future plans: I expect to justify overwrought justifications for racism for at least a few more weeks, and to baffle historians for centuries to come, assuming there’s anybody left to baffle.

How I’d like to be remembered: As the inspiration for the future euphemism, “burn [one’s] embassy,” meaning to overreact wildly. As in: “I heard you broke up with your girlfriend. How did she take it?” “Dude, she totally burned my embassy.”

Laugh Riot
Protecting the World from Parody?
Allan Uthman
Xtreme Religion
A Faith-Based Initiative.
Ian Murphy
Deity Roundtable
The "Big 3" convene for a chat with us.
Paul Jones
Fundy Funnies
The only comics page for the pure of faith!
Color Me Tolerant
A BEAST Coloring Contest!
Please Don't Kill Me
A message from terrified Associate Editor Chris Riordan.
Reader Opinion
Punxutawney Phil: Enemy of Allah
'Special' Baptisms Lead to Several Drownings
I'm Feeling Monkey
What Google tells us monkeys. A. Monkey
Slaughter Sport
Cheney wasn't "hunting."
Kit Smith
Reader Opinion
Punxutawney Phil: Enemy of Allah

Last Issue: #92

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
Our disturbingly popular annual list of the foulest among us, for a particularly objectionable year.

Balance, Bias, & Bullshit
"Balanced" news is making you more stupider.
Allan Uthman
Come Frey with Me
Advance excerpt from James Frey's new "memoir."
Chris Riordan
Belly of the Beast
An inexplicable adventure with Al Gore.
Ian Murphy
Planet of the Apes
The promise of an animal society.
The Monkey
Ask an NSA Spook
He's always listening....
Lighting the Fuse
Stop waiting for Democrats to solve your problems.
Stan Goff
Mad Science
Corruption is threatening science, too.
Kit Smith
Stupor Bowl
Are you ready for some duuuhhh?
Paul Jones
Reader Opinion
Why only one foreign Nation Downtown?

e-mail the evil editors at


© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.                 Back to front page