(March 21-April 19)
Aries, here is a joke for you. Four nuns are standing in line at
the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
“Well, once I looked at a man’s penis,” she said. “Put some of this
holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven,” Peter told her.
He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. “Well, once
I held a man’s penis,” she replied. “Put your hand in this holy
water and you may enter heaven,” he said. Just then the fourth nun
pushed ahead of the third nun. “Why did you push ahead in line?”
asked Peter. “Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!” replied
(April 20-May 20)
here is a joke for you. Why did the Jews wander in the desert for
40 years? Because one of them lost a quarter.
(May 21 –June 20)
is your joke Gemini: The priest in a small Irish village was very
fond of the chicken he kept in the hen house out the back of the
parish house. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday
night the cock rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected
cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about
it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation,
“Has anybody got a cock?” All the men stood up. “No no,” he said.
“That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?” All the women
stood up. “No no,” he said. “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody
seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?” Half the women stood up.
“No no,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant either. Has anybody
seen my cock?” All the choirboys stood up.
(June 21-July 22)
Cancer, here is a little joke for you. What do you get if you cross
a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist? Someone who knocks on your
door for no reason.
(July 23-Aug. 22)
my friend, I have a joke just for you. Two pedophiles were walking
down the street one day when they came across a pair of small shorts
on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and says
“Aahhh, a seven-year-old boy.” The other grabs them from him and
also takes a smell and says, “No, no.definitely an eight-year-old
boy!” The two of them then take turns smelling the shorts and arguing,
“An eight-year-old!” “No, a seven-year-old!” “Definitely an eight-year-old!”
And so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue
and can’t help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The
first pedophile tells the priest and asks him if he could sort out
the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long
sniff, and after pondering for a few moments, he looks at the two
men and says: “Definitely an eight-year-old boy...but not
from my parish!”
(Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgo, here is an ethnic joke for your soul. Two Arabs boarded a
shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat,
the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little
Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He
kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when
the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a
coke.” “No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.” While
he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spit in it.
When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That
looks good. I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli obligingly
went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up
the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke,
and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes
and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?”
he asked. “This enmity between our peoples… this hatred... this
animosity... this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”
(Sept 23 –Oct 22)
Libra, here is a charmer for you. A cruise ship hit an iceberg and
was taking on water fast. There was a mad scramble to get to the
lifeboats. Someone said “shouldn’t we let the kids on first?” An
attorney who was pushing people out of the way said, “Fuck the kids”
and continued on. A priest upon hearing this looked at his watch
and replied, “Do you think we have time?”
(Oct 23-Nov 21)
Scorpio, I have a joke for you. A little girl is standing on top
of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest
approaches and says, “My child, why are you so upset?” The little
girl turns to him and says, “My mummy and daddy were in their car
– and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down
there.” The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his
cassock and says, “It’s just not your day, is it?”
(Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Sagittarius, have a chuckle. God wanted to go on vacation, but couldn’t
decide where. One angel suggested Mars. “It’s got great beaches.
You could get a nice tan.” God replied, “nah, I went there last
century.” So another angel suggests Pluto so God could go skiing.
“Eh, I went there recently as well.” The third angel suggests that
God visit Earth. “It’s got beaches, skiing, anything you’d possibly
want to do. “ God replies with “No way, last time I went to Earth
on vacation, I knocked up that Jewish broad and I’m still
catching shit about it.”
(Dec 22 – Jan 19)
I didn’t forget you. What’s the difference between a priest and
a pimple? A pimple waits until you’re 13 before coming on your face.
(Jan 20-Feb 18)
there Aquarius, this one is just for you. An Indian man dies and
arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter.
“I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man. St Peter looks over
his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”
(Feb 19-March 20)
Pisces, you get the shit end of the stick. A priest, a rabbi and
an elephant walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this,