Aries (March 21-April 19)

Hey Aries, here is a joke for you. Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. “Well, once I looked at a man’s penis,” she said. “Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven,” Peter told her. He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. “Well, once I held a man’s penis,” she replied. “Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven,” he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. “Why did you push ahead in line?” asked Peter. “Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!” replied the nun.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, here is a joke for you. Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years? Because one of them lost a quarter.

 


Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Here is your joke Gemini: The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chicken he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish house. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?” All the men stood up. “No no,” he said. “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?” All the women stood up. “No no,” he said. “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them?” Half the women stood up. “No no,” he said, “That wasn’t what I meant either. Has anybody seen my cock?” All the choirboys stood up.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Hello Cancer, here is a little joke for you. What do you get if you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

 


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo my friend, I have a joke just for you. Two pedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small shorts on the ground. The first one picks them up, smells them and says “Aahhh, a seven-year-old boy.” The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and says, “No, no.definitely an eight-year-old boy!” The two of them then take turns smelling the shorts and arguing, “An eight-year-old!” “No, a seven-year-old!” “Definitely an eight-year-old!” And so on. The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can’t help but ask them what the commotion is all about. The first pedophile tells the priest and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments, he looks at the two men and says: “Definitely an eight-year-old boy...but not from my parish!”


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Dear Virgo, here is an ethnic joke for your soul. Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our peoples… this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”


Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Hey Libra, here is a charmer for you. A cruise ship hit an iceberg and was taking on water fast. There was a mad scramble to get to the lifeboats. Someone said “shouldn’t we let the kids on first?” An attorney who was pushing people out of the way said, “Fuck the kids” and continued on. A priest upon hearing this looked at his watch and replied, “Do you think we have time?”


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Yes Scorpio, I have a joke for you. A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, “My child, why are you so upset?” The little girl turns to him and says, “My mummy and daddy were in their car – and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there.” The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, “It’s just not your day, is it?”


Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Hey Sagittarius, have a chuckle. God wanted to go on vacation, but couldn’t decide where. One angel suggested Mars. “It’s got great beaches. You could get a nice tan.” God replied, “nah, I went there last century.” So another angel suggests Pluto so God could go skiing. “Eh, I went there recently as well.” The third angel suggests that God visit Earth. “It’s got beaches, skiing, anything you’d possibly want to do. “ God replies with “No way, last time I went to Earth on vacation, I knocked up that Jewish broad and I’m still catching shit about it.”


Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, I didn’t forget you. What’s the difference between a priest and a pimple? A pimple waits until you’re 13 before coming on your face.

 


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Hey there Aquarius, this one is just for you. An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. “Yes, how can I help?” asks St Peter. “I’m here to meet Jesus,” says the Indian man. St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, “Jesus, your cab is here!”

 


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Sorry Pisces, you get the shit end of the stick. A priest, a rabbi and an elephant walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”


Laugh Riot
Protecting the World from Parody?
Allan Uthman
Xtreme Religion
A Faith-Based Initiative.
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Deity Roundtable
The "Big 3" convene for a chat with us.
Paul Jones
Fundy Funnies
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Color Me Tolerant
A BEAST Coloring Contest!
Please Don't Kill Me
A message from terrified Associate Editor Chris Riordan.
Reader Opinion
Punxutawney Phil: Enemy of Allah
'Special' Baptisms Lead to Several Drownings
I'm Feeling Monkey
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Slaughter Sport
Cheney wasn't "hunting."
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Reader Opinion
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Last Issue: #92

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
Our disturbingly popular annual list of the foulest among us, for a particularly objectionable year.

Balance, Bias, & Bullshit
"Balanced" news is making you more stupider.
Allan Uthman
Come Frey with Me
Advance excerpt from James Frey's new "memoir."
Chris Riordan
Belly of the Beast
An inexplicable adventure with Al Gore.
Ian Murphy
Planet of the Apes
The promise of an animal society.
The Monkey
Ask an NSA Spook
He's always listening....
Lighting the Fuse
Stop waiting for Democrats to solve your problems.
Stan Goff
Mad Science
Corruption is threatening science, too.
Kit Smith
Stupor Bowl
Are you ready for some duuuhhh?
Paul Jones
Reader Opinion
Why only one foreign Nation Downtown?


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