Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Hey Pisces, let’s talk about your inability to maintain an erection. First off, I just want you to know that you’re not alone: there are a lot of men out there whose unusually small genitalia and untreatable halitosis have forced on them a life of solitude—shattering their self-esteem in the process. In fact there are a bunch of “men” like you who gather every Friday night to watch “Stargate SG-1” and play Star Trek: TNG Monopoly. It seems you are not truly alone Pisces; there is a place you belong after all.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, I know it was heart-wrenching to be passed over for this season of “American Idol,” but unfortunately you have absolutely no talent. When you sing, Aries, it sounds like a Sasquatch passing a walnut-sized kidney stone. You make William Hung sound like Frank Sinatra. I know your mother tells you that you sing like an angel, but she has a brain tumor and also thinks the washing machine is the Antichrist. Time to grab onto another dream, Aries. Have you considered applying at the Laundromat?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, I know what you’re thinking: “That couldn’t possibly be dried semen on my face and in my hair.” Well sorry to burst your bubble, but it is dried semen—a lot of it. I’m no expert, but I would have to say it would take six or seven guys to produce that much. You would probably remember the whole thing, had you stuck to the beer and not guzzled that bottle of bourbon in a pathetic attempt to be cool. I could go on here but I think the best thing you can do right now is take a very long shower, using all the shampoo you have. When your girlfriend comes over just tell her you’re feeling ill and you went to bed early last night. As for that taste in your mouth, you’re just going to have to come to terms with it.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, I was wondering when you would get around to watching that video you received in the mail. It’s been sitting on your desk for two weeks, filling you with anxiety and fear. You had some ideas what was on the tape, but couldn’t be sure until you watched it. I mean, you know as well as anyone that bestiality is a crime and if your little hobby were to become public you could lose your job at the SPCA. If I were in your shoes, I would probably be willing to pay anything—even the amount possibly mentioned on the tape. Watch the tape, Gemini, because there are more copies…many more.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, what makes you think you can explain away all of those charges for hookers on the credit card to your wife? You got away with it a few months ago with that “personal trainer” bullshit, but she was still suspicious. This time you drank a little too much and went apeshit on whore rentals. You could have bought a Nissan Maxima with the money you spent last weekend. Those lame appletinis get you into trouble every time. Well anyway, you’re probably going to get divorced soon, Cancer. I just wanted you to know.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, you stupid bastard, how many time have you been told not to clean your ears with a straightened paper clip? Just once you could listen. You’ve slipped and fallen this time, puncturing your brain cavity. Now you’re incontinent, in addition to suddenly believing that you are Jesus. I know this is falling on deaf ears at this point, but don’t you think it’s odd for the messiah to lack control over his excretions? Something to think about while you’re washing all those feet in the home.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, I just wanted to let you know that we all know you’re gay. So you can stop with the fake machismo thing. It’s just silly now.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Hey there, Libra, I was driving by your house the other day and couldn’t help but notice you weren’t home. So I set fire to your garage. I’m not really sure why I did it, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. It wasn’t my intention for it to spread to the house like that, but these things happen. You know, just like that time you threw a rock at that hornet’s nest I was standing under.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, remember that time you watched The Wizard of Oz with the sound off and listened to Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of The Moon to see if they would synch up? And they didn’t? The whole thing is ridiculous, obviously, but I want to know if you can get some of the same weed you had that night for me? Let me know, because that was some good shit and I have money.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, you’re the kind of guy that farts in the bathtub and bites at the bubbles.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Howdy, Capricorn. Remember last month when you called in sick to work so you could watch porn and masturbate all day? That was a bold decision and I applaud you for it. In today’s world, it’s easy for forget the pursuit of hedonistic pleasures that got us to the top of the food chain. Keep up the good work, Capricorn, and may the Force be with you.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

You’re ugly, Aquarius, and the sooner you accept it the better. It’s not even a passive ugliness, so common in the world; but rather an aggressive ugliness that draws stares from across the street. I don’t really want to mince words here. With that in mind, let’s discuss your career plans: Your dream of becoming a network news anchor is unrealistic. Unless you want to be a news anchor in a David Lynch film. Otherwise I would suggest something in telemarketing, collections or anything that doesn’t involve people having to make direct eye contact with you…ever.