Operation Told You So
No one could have anticipated the Iraq disaster, except the 40% who did
Allan Uthman
Iraq or Iran?
Which are these pundits pushing to invade?
NSA's Big Rig?
Did the NSA help Bush steal the vote?
Bob Fitrakis
TV Highlights
Ian Murphy discusses "America's Next Top Model" with his penis
Gorilla My Dreams
The Monkey Does Drag.
The Nobel Nazi?
Scientist's Legacy gets Freedom Fried.
Kit Smith
Authorities Relieved Church Fires Were Joke
Josh Righter
Get Off Ma Land!
A BEAST Reader Opinion
Best of Buffalo?
Former Staffer Exposes Artvoice Reader "Poll."
Ready, Set, Gentrify!
Elmwood Village Hotel: Good Neighbor?
Erin-Go-Blah
What Adams Could Have Told Higgins.
Album Cover Reviews
A Skin-Depth Look at 3 New Releases.
Chris Riordan
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune told through harsh insults.
The BEAST Page 3 Improvised Explosive Cola
[sic] - Letters
Thievery, hoser supremacy, drowning retards and bad songcraft.

Stranger Danger
How I abandoned my principles and took over congress.
Allan Uthman
Arm or Leg?
John Stossel's Great Invisible Handjob.
Paul Jones
Spooks in the Machine
Rummy Zeroes in on the Internet.
Mike Whitney
Accidental Discharge
The Dangers of Playing Cowboy.
Stan Goff
This Much is True
The Impending Police State & Puppy Rearing.
Ian Murphy
F is for Fake
Payola Punks Flunk Science Reporting.
Kit Smith
From the Desk of Lucifer
A Complaint Letter from Hell.

  GET OFF MA LAND!
A BEAST Reader Opinion
by this guy

Hey, you! Ain’t you never learnt how ta read? I never did, but I’m told all these signs around here says no tresspassin! Whaddayou kids think yer doin’ anyhow! Get off ma land! This ain’t a damn broomstick I’m holdin’ here, or one a dem Hollywood movie props neither! Hey! What’s that yer smokin’? I didn’t just fall off the turnip truck yesterday, you know! Nope, that happened several weeks ago, in fact! Now put down that hippie weed and get to runnin’! What, you think this is funny? Yer not gonna be laughin’ when I go all Cheney on yer butts! Fill you fulla buckshot I will! Oh…you thought that was funny? Well, yeah, I guess it wasn’t bad, the topical reference and all. But Cheney shot that guy with birdshot, so I guess it weren’t entirely accurate. Hey, you believe that guy apologized to Cheney for getting shot by him? Damn, talk about messed up!

Hey, waitaminit…that’s right, you fellas on ma property! Don’t make me pump you fulla lead now! Just grab your hippie asses and head for the hills! No, not those hills, those are mine too. Actually, the shortest way outta here is between those tress down there, there’s a dirt path. Leads to a pretty nice stream about a couple hundred yards that way—good place to check out the sunset, if you’re into that. Yeah, I’m a nature buff myself. I used to be a CPA, if you can believe that. Oh yeah, plenty of money. But no time to enjoy it, you know? Just wake up, drive two hours to work in the city, sit in a cubicle and eat vending machine food, slowly grow old and fat—and then the wife! Talk about a rat race. Once I could afford it, I got the hell out and bought myself this here place. Yeah, the house is over there. Thanks, yeah I like it all right. Kinda lonely sometimes, but that’s what the satellite dish is for! High speed internet, too. Oh yeah, I’d be lost without broadband. Hey, you ever play “City of Heroes?” Oh you gotta check it out sometime, that game is sweet! I spend hours on that thing damn near every day!

Hey—how come you guys are still here? I thought I told ya, get off ma land! I’m not kidding around here, you dirty hippies! Go on and listen to yer Jefferson Airplane somewhere else! What! Seriously? Jefferson Airplane? Come on! You know…”White Rabbit?” “One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small…” Yeah, come on, you’ve heard it! Great tune. I used to get out of my head and spin that record when I was yer age, just stare at the ceiling… great album. What about the Doors, you know them, right? Right. What? Neutral Milk Hotel? What the hell’s that? You guys aren’t even hippies are you? That’s it—get movin’ before I have to perforate you sons of bitches! Whaddayou mean, ‘what’s my problem?’ You’re my problem! You’re on ma land!

No, it’s not you guys, specifically, it’s just…you know, the principle of the thing. It’s my property, you know? I mean, what kind of hermit would I be if I didn’t chase kids of my land with a shotgun? I don’t know, maybe I am being kind of a jerk. Hey, you guys thirsty? I’ve got some beer back at the place…some Kool-Aid too! You like foosball? Yeah, there’s a table in the garage, but I never use it, seein’ as how it’s no fun by yourself. Well, sure I got cable! I think “Grey’s Anatomy” is about to come on soon, too! Oh, really? No, man, you gotta check it out, I’m totally hooked on that show. Yeah, I don’t know, it’s just—once you get into it, you know? Yeah, come on—bring the weed, too. Yeah, we can watch whatever after that, sure. But then, you know, you guys are gonna have to, like, get off ma land after that, okay? Cool. Let’s get some brews!

 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely

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John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
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Piano-Gate: Tickling Ivories at Amy's?
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
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