Turn-ons: American religious hysteria, “Sister Christian,”
faith-based nepotism, Salman Rushdie, indulgences, Pabst Blue Ribbon, oysters,
the concept of forgiveness.
Turn-offs: Hysteria, parenthood, polygamy, the New
Jersey Devils, the Afghan Whigs, sugarless gum, beheadings.
How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Afghan Christian Convert:
After being spared the death penalty for abandoning Islam—thanks to a worldwide
outcry from concerned Christians—I was released from Pul-i-Charki prison and
immediately went into hiding. If only I’d known how easy it was to manipulate
the Western world, I would have long ago proudly proclaimed my conversion
from some heavily fortified and most likely secret location. Sure, I abandoned
my family and, in bringing shame on them, possibly endangered their lives.
But, hey, that’s how it goes for Muslims: no respect. If they’re smart, they’ll
convert too, before they’re killed by their neighbors, an Islamic court, an
angry mob, the Coalition of the Willing, disease, poverty, Pat Robertson,
cluster bombs, landmines or a falling emergency relief package.
Future plans: Well, several countries are vying to
give me asylum. This whole experience has just been a whirlwind. For a while,
there was talk from some Christians I should be offered up as a sacrificial
lamb, but that didn’t happen. I was going to try for a co-hosting gig on “The
700 Club,” but it turns out Pat Robertson is a virulent racist. Who knew?.
How I’d like to be remembered: As the person who finally
figured out a way not to get killed for religious crimes by the Afghani government.