Hi America. This is Lou Dobbs, defender of our borders and the American middle class. Recently on my popular CNN program “Lou Dobbs Tonight,” I had an exchange with Janet Murguia, President of the National Council of La Raza, about the atrociously large protests in Los Angeles and many other American cities regarding proposed changes to our laws concerning our broken borders and illegal immigration. One aspect of those protests that offended many Americans, including myself, was the prevalence of flags—Mexican flags. To me and many others, this strange obsession of Mexicans with the flag of Mexico seems suspicious and, frankly, anti-American. I asked Murguia about it.

Now, some would take such a statement to be the ridiculous raving of a man who has painted himself into an ideological corner, embracing a flatly ridiculous position to avoid being called out on his obvious racism. But I assure you, although my show focuses almost exclusively on the dangerous threats posed to America by foreigners, I don’t hate Mexicans any more than I hate the Chinese or Indians. Basically, I just really like Americans, and by that I mean people like myself.

But I digress. The reason I’m writing today is that, after the controversy my statements above have generated, I have looked into the threat to America posed by rampant displays of foreign flags, and have discovered that the problem is much worse than I thought. It may seem hard to believe, but such treasonous displays are commonplace today in America, and Mexican flags are just the tip of the iceberg.

All over the country, such seditious celebrations of un-American lineage are rampant, in the seemingly innocuous forms of “heritage festivals” and parades which purport to celebrate “ethnic pride.” Unfortunately, many see nothing wrong with the brazen practice of flying foreign flags. Well I’m here to inform you just how wrong they are.

St. Patrick’s Day is seen by many naïve Americans as a fun time, an excuse to drink beer and watch parades while wearing cheap green hats. But, in their inebriated state, many miss the significance of the many Irish flags displayed in this shockingly nationalist ritual. Let’s not forget how Irishmen have expressed their “pride” in the past—by blowing up Englishmen! And there are actually four times as many Irish in the US as in Ireland! Clearly, the Micks are to be watched—but at least they speak English.

The Italians, on the other hand, plaster their flag all over everything—pizza boxes, restaurants, and of course their “festivals,” thinly veiled separatist rallies where they stuff unsuspecting Americans with fatty sausages and desserts, softening them up for eventual conquering.

There are other examples: the British, though ostensibly our greatest ally in the war on terror, have been infiltrating our culture since the aptly-named “British invasion” of the ‘60s. While they have been savvy enough to refrain from indecorously displays of their flag in our sovereign nation, certain “rock and roll” groups, including “the Who” and “Def Leppard,” have popularized the more subtly insidious act of wearing the Union Jack as clothing, especially in T-shirt form. Many young Americans can be found in such shirts, apparently oblivious to the fact that they are insulting their own homeland in the process.

Now, some of my viewers have told me that my position on this is “ridiculous,” “absurd,” and one even called me a “total retard” for taking a hard line on this issue. They say that such displays are merely expressions of people’s “pride” in their heritage, and are linked to old times, when their nationalities were denigrated here in America, due to resentment at their immigration here. But think about it, America: if you are “proud” to be from another country, aren’t you also saying you’re ashamed to be an American? Besides, if we apply this justification to Italians and the Irish, then how are we supposed to justify taking offense when Mexicans do it?

Clearly, such a situation cannot be tolerated if we are to preserve the integrity of our great nation. In order to retain the freedom that makes America great, we must put a stop to such irresponsible expressions of difference.

America is great nation at least in part because of its vibrant mixture of different cultures, each of which must be immediately suppressed if we are to remain great. Therefore, all holidays which are not originally American should be banned. Except Christmas. Basically, the minute you get here, you should just forget everything about your roots and try to blend in. That’s what America is all about—being a white protestant.

Okay, look—I just don’t like Mexicans, all right? They talk funny. Have you seen their television shows? Terrible! I mean, it’s one thing if they’re going to mow my lawn, but now they’re going to get all uppity? No way, Jose.

As concerned Americans, it’s imperative that we all pretend to be just as offended by foreign flags from Europe as those from Mexico. That way, it’s less obvious that our stance on illegal immigration reflects irrational xenophobia rather than sober assessment of facts. For the time being, anyhow.

I’m Lou Dobbs. Thank you.