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Interpretive Fission Dance

Name: Iran’s enriched uranium pageant

Turn-ons: Chippendales, The Death Star, Marvin the Martian’s Illudium Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator, “Atom Ant,” phallocentrism, Icy Hot, C. Montgomery Burns, fat men, little boys, Mikhail Baryshnikov, cordless phones, lead codpieces.

Turn-offs: Iraqis, Americans, Fallout Boy, Fiddler on the Roof, Chernobyl, camel toe, chocolate cake, numbered footsteps, people who say “nucular,” culture clashes, Christiane Amanpour, “Solid Gold,” dissent, irony.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Interpretive Fission Dance: Sun salute, arms outstretched skyward. Crouch, shrink back in awe. Running, leaping, leaping. Abrupt stop. Pirouette, into deep curtsy, head bowed. Shoveling over shoulder motion. High-step marching, arms swinging, fists thumping chests. Rolling around on floor, snow angels. Bicycle kicking. Jump to feet. Running, arms outstretched behind. Prayer twist. Six-step, toprock, into windmill into backspin. Leap to feat. Hand clap, slide. Hand clap, slide. Hand clap, slide. Hand clap, slide.

Future plans: Tiptoeing, tiptoeing, tiptoeing…Holding hands, forming circle. Rotating left, stop. Rotating right, stop. Releasing hands, breaking away. Spinning violently in a shrinking circle, arms rising over head. Two-footed stomping in place. Stop. Smashing air with fists. Head-banging. Rapid head roll, shuffling right. Rapid head roll, shuffling left. Weeping, wiping ears with hands. Smiling, laughing silently, charging across stage with sweeping arms. Stop. Power stance. Gazing skyward, arms rising, rising, rising…Head bowed. Fin.

How I’d like to be remembered: As the death of surrealism.



Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com
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