Leaking Integrity
WaPo Gives the Lie to its Readers.
Allan Uthman
Setting the Table
Preemptive war--a moveable feast.
Ian Murphy
Da Vinci Reveals All!
New interview with the long-deceased master.
Paul Jones
Happy BEASTer!
An Easter-themed fun-page...for the kids!
The Choice of a New Generation
Just for the taste of it - Benzene!
Kit Smith
The Foreign Flag Threat
Guest columnist Lou Dobbs warns America
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Interpretive Fission Dance
[sic] - Letters
Higgins sightings, vague rants, film fantasies.


Punch-Out
Latest on the SubGenius custody case.
News Abuse
Buffalo News readers must break the cycle.



Don't Feed the Aliens
Huddled masses threatening our borders.
Allan Uthman
The Persecution Rests
Local Judge takes aim at fake religion.
Paul Jones
March Mayhem!
Clash of Civilizations bracketology.
Good News from Iraq!
Brought to you by the DoD.
Phillips: Head-Screw Driver
Fearmongering for fun & profit.
A. Monkey
Litterbox Lunacy
Do cats make the craziest people?
Kit Smith
Friends Confused by Man's Defense of Kevin Costner
Scott Borchert
Dammit, Gannett, We Hate You
Hoping Current was just the first domino.
Full Court Press
New Fed Courthous: A "quality of life crime."
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Afghan Christian Convert
[sic] - Letters
Wal-Mart fans, loathsomeness and celebrity plagiarism.

 

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, your movie to watch is Jaws. There are a few movies that I will watch any time they are on and Jaws is one of them. Even if itís heavily edited on network television, I will sit down and watch the entire movie. In my mind Jaws represents Steven Spielberg at the top of his game; it combines great directing, editing, dialogue and acting with all the horror of drowning and being eaten by a surreal monster. I acknowledge that the movie would not have been as good had the mechanical shark worked, and Spielberg not had to shoot around the problem, making the movie more suspenseful. However, sometimes the stars step in and make things right and even now sometimes, swimming alone in a pool, the fear creeps up.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, now if you want to see a movie that is creepy but doesnít leave you unable to sleep, there is The Entity. To make a long story short, this is a movie about a woman who is repeatedly raped by a poltergeist, based on a supposedly true story. It combines the elements of horror and science fiction very well and builds to a ridiculous Hollywood climax, but has the balls not to end in typical happy Hollywood way. The Entity is a film totally worth seeing on a ďsit on your ass and watch TVĒ night. Just donít watch it on a date, because there is no getting laid after a ghost rape movie.


Gemini (May 21 ĖJune 20)

Gemini, if there is one movie that everyone should see it is Being There, starring Peter Sellers. This is simply a great movie and should be a mandatory viewing experience for anyone with an IQ over 120. Basically, Being There is Forest Gump for those who donít need the world sanitized and spoon fed to them. Get off your ass and rent it, Gemini; youíll be doing yourself a service, unlike that Jean Claude Van Damme marathon you took a day off of work for.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, when it comes to you, I recommend Bachelor Party starring Tom Hanks. Itís a really funny movie that stands up today with the best of Ď80s comedy. It is so overloaded with dick jokes and lowbrow humor that even women find it funny.† Bachelor Party is definitely worth the time, Cancer, and besides, itís the only time you can see Adrian Zmed sing without having to sit through the abomination that is Grease 2.


Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, itís time to test your courage. You need to rent and watch the original Trilogy of Terror and you need to watch it alone. Iím not going to go into detail here but that fucking Tiki doll thing with the spear would give Stalin nightmares.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, Virgo, Virgo, what movie should you be watching? I think a good movie for you to watch would be L.A Story, written by and starring Steve Martin. This is simply a great movie. It flawlessly merges an evolved spirituality and mysticism with a dramatic comedy. So sit down and watch it Virgo, I guarantee youíll feel good afterwards.


Libra (Sept 23 ĖOct 22)

Libra, the movie for you is Patton, starring George C. Scott. Patton is one of those movies you donít want to miss a minute of. Itís not afraid to show you the ugliness of war and egos while showing the death of the warrior general and the birth of the military politician. Sit down with some good beer and watch a great actor play a larger than life character. Maybe then you can wash away the shame of owning In the Army Now on DVD.


Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, youíre a tough one. You are smart enough to handle most anything, but for you, let us go for something that will make you smile. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the movie you should watch. Not just because Gene Wilder is awesome in it, but also because itís deceptively intelligent and not afraid to encourage dreamers. Put a night aside and watch it, Scorpio, before Tim Burton ruins it forever.


Sagittarius (Nov 22 Ė Dec 21)

Sagittarius, you are gay so you will watch Good Will Hunting until you see all of the gay undertones. Once you have accepted the gayness you may watch The Talented Mr. Ripley and when done with that you may watch the episode of ďWill & GraceĒ guest-starring Matt Damon. I know thatís a lot of gay, but so are you, Sagittarius.


Capricorn (Dec 22 Ė Jan 19)

Capricorn, the movie for you is Barton Fink. Rent it, get really, really, really high and watch it. You will sit mesmerized by peeling wallpaper and transitions that will make you say ďwhoaĒ out loud. The climactic scene with John Goodman will leave you in a state of confused shock and at the end you will feel like you know something other people donít. Enjoy, Capricorn.


Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, youíre kind of a retard, but even retards should get something. You get to watch Wyatt Earp starring Kevin Costner. Thatís right, Aquarius, you get Kevin Costner and three hours of his black hole-like monotony. That is the price you pay for being stupid.


Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, Your movie to watch is Buffalo 66 starring Vincent Gallo. I watched Buffalo 66 the other night for the first time since the movie came out, and wow did I forget what a complete pile of shit that was.† Iím not talking about your run of the mill smelly pile of shit; this was a hot puddle of chili cheese dogs washed down with Mexican tap water while suffering from stomach cancer shit. Not only is Vincent Gallo an incredibly ugly man, but heís an incredibly bad actor as well. Most movies he writes or directs serve as a vehicle for his obvious hatred of women and this one is no different. The dialogue sucks, the acting sucks (except for Ben Gazzara and Mickey Rourke), the direction sucks and the characters are hollow props. If you somehow enjoy this film, Pisces, just remember: most women do not respond well to being abducted. All I have left to say is, Fuck Vincent Gallo! Fuck him in his Republican ass with Dick Cheneyís reportedly gigantic penis.


 

BEAST Blog

Idiot Box by Matt Bors
Big Fat Whale by Brian McFadden
Perry Bible Fellowship by Nicholas Gurewitch
Bob the Angry Flower by Stephen Notely
Deep Fried by Jason Yungbluth

e-mail the evil editors at sic@buffalobeast.com
John Stossel's Invisible Handjob
Stranger Danger: Ports Pandering
Piano-Gate: Tickling Ivories at Amy's?
10 Questions for Scott McClellan
Ask Dr. Cruise
Guide to Post-9/11 Opportunism
Ask a Horrible Human-Monkey Hybrid
GWB's Rapture Report
© Copyright 2002-2005, The Beast. All rights reserved.