Aries (March 21-April 19)

Aries, your movie to watch is Jaws. There are a few movies that I will watch any time they are on and Jaws is one of them. Even if it’s heavily edited on network television, I will sit down and watch the entire movie. In my mind Jaws represents Steven Spielberg at the top of his game; it combines great directing, editing, dialogue and acting with all the horror of drowning and being eaten by a surreal monster. I acknowledge that the movie would not have been as good had the mechanical shark worked, and Spielberg not had to shoot around the problem, making the movie more suspenseful. However, sometimes the stars step in and make things right and even now sometimes, swimming alone in a pool, the fear creeps up.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Taurus, now if you want to see a movie that is creepy but doesn’t leave you unable to sleep, there is The Entity. To make a long story short, this is a movie about a woman who is repeatedly raped by a poltergeist, based on a supposedly true story. It combines the elements of horror and science fiction very well and builds to a ridiculous Hollywood climax, but has the balls not to end in typical happy Hollywood way. The Entity is a film totally worth seeing on a “sit on your ass and watch TV” night. Just don’t watch it on a date, because there is no getting laid after a ghost rape movie.

Gemini (May 21 –June 20)

Gemini, if there is one movie that everyone should see it is Being There, starring Peter Sellers. This is simply a great movie and should be a mandatory viewing experience for anyone with an IQ over 120. Basically, Being There is Forest Gump for those who don’t need the world sanitized and spoon fed to them. Get off your ass and rent it, Gemini; you’ll be doing yourself a service, unlike that Jean Claude Van Damme marathon you took a day off of work for.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, when it comes to you, I recommend Bachelor Party starring Tom Hanks. It’s a really funny movie that stands up today with the best of ‘80s comedy. It is so overloaded with dick jokes and lowbrow humor that even women find it funny.  Bachelor Party is definitely worth the time, Cancer, and besides, it’s the only time you can see Adrian Zmed sing without having to sit through the abomination that is Grease 2.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leo, it’s time to test your courage. You need to rent and watch the original Trilogy of Terror and you need to watch it alone. I’m not going to go into detail here but that fucking Tiki doll thing with the spear would give Stalin nightmares.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)

Virgo, Virgo, Virgo, what movie should you be watching? I think a good movie for you to watch would be L.A Story, written by and starring Steve Martin. This is simply a great movie. It flawlessly merges an evolved spirituality and mysticism with a dramatic comedy. So sit down and watch it Virgo, I guarantee you’ll feel good afterwards.

Libra (Sept 23 –Oct 22)

Libra, the movie for you is Patton, starring George C. Scott. Patton is one of those movies you don’t want to miss a minute of. It’s not afraid to show you the ugliness of war and egos while showing the death of the warrior general and the birth of the military politician. Sit down with some good beer and watch a great actor play a larger than life character. Maybe then you can wash away the shame of owning In the Army Now on DVD.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)

Scorpio, you’re a tough one. You are smart enough to handle most anything, but for you, let us go for something that will make you smile. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the movie you should watch. Not just because Gene Wilder is awesome in it, but also because it’s deceptively intelligent and not afraid to encourage dreamers. Put a night aside and watch it, Scorpio, before Tim Burton ruins it forever.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Sagittarius, you are gay so you will watch Good Will Hunting until you see all of the gay undertones. Once you have accepted the gayness you may watch The Talented Mr. Ripley and when done with that you may watch the episode of “Will & Grace” guest-starring Matt Damon. I know that’s a lot of gay, but so are you, Sagittarius.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Capricorn, the movie for you is Barton Fink. Rent it, get really, really, really high and watch it. You will sit mesmerized by peeling wallpaper and transitions that will make you say “whoa” out loud. The climactic scene with John Goodman will leave you in a state of confused shock and at the end you will feel like you know something other people don’t. Enjoy, Capricorn.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)

Aquarius, you’re kind of a retard, but even retards should get something. You get to watch Wyatt Earp starring Kevin Costner. That’s right, Aquarius, you get Kevin Costner and three hours of his black hole-like monotony. That is the price you pay for being stupid.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)

Pisces, Your movie to watch is Buffalo 66 starring Vincent Gallo. I watched Buffalo 66 the other night for the first time since the movie came out, and wow did I forget what a complete pile of shit that was.  I’m not talking about your run of the mill smelly pile of shit; this was a hot puddle of chili cheese dogs washed down with Mexican tap water while suffering from stomach cancer shit. Not only is Vincent Gallo an incredibly ugly man, but he’s an incredibly bad actor as well. Most movies he writes or directs serve as a vehicle for his obvious hatred of women and this one is no different. The dialogue sucks, the acting sucks (except for Ben Gazzara and Mickey Rourke), the direction sucks and the characters are hollow props. If you somehow enjoy this film, Pisces, just remember: most women do not respond well to being abducted. All I have left to say is, Fuck Vincent Gallo! Fuck him in his Republican ass with Dick Cheney’s reportedly gigantic penis.