Leaking Integrity
WaPo Gives the Lie to its Readers.
Allan Uthman
Setting the Table
Preemptive war--a moveable feast.
Ian Murphy
Da Vinci Reveals All!
New interview with the long-deceased master.
Paul Jones
Happy BEASTer!
An Easter-themed fun-page...for the kids!
The Choice of a New Generation
Just for the taste of it - Benzene!
Kit Smith
The Foreign Flag Threat
Guest columnist Lou Dobbs warns America
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Interpretive Fission Dance
[sic] - Letters
Higgins sightings, vague rants, film fantasies.


Punch-Out
Latest on the SubGenius custody case.
News Abuse
Buffalo News readers must break the cycle.



Don't Feed the Aliens
Huddled masses threatening our borders.
Allan Uthman
The Persecution Rests
Local Judge takes aim at fake religion.
Paul Jones
March Mayhem!
Clash of Civilizations bracketology.
Good News from Iraq!
Brought to you by the DoD.
Phillips: Head-Screw Driver
Fearmongering for fun & profit.
A. Monkey
Litterbox Lunacy
Do cats make the craziest people?
Kit Smith
Friends Confused by Man's Defense of Kevin Costner
Scott Borchert
Dammit, Gannett, We Hate You
Hoping Current was just the first domino.
Full Court Press
New Fed Courthous: A "quality of life crime."
Kino Korner
Ultraviolet, Failure to Launch, 16 Blocks, Hills Have Eyes, Block Party.
BEAST-O-Scopes
Your cosmic fortune in insult form.
The BEAST Page 3 Afghan Christian Convert
[sic] - Letters
Wal-Mart fans, loathsomeness and celebrity plagiarism.

 

TOOL TIME IN FREDONIA

Brian Higgins was at my school today.  I was required to go for my journalism class.

It sucked.  He was stumping about stem cells, his experience as a freshman congressman and some touching U2 song he heard this one time.  He said we can't believe in our future unless we believe in each other, too, something to that effect.  Oh, and he vowed to keep the Bills in town.  Thank God!  He's so unlike those anti-Bills politicians trying to chase the Bills out!

I think it gave me cancer.  I get in a room with politicians and some weird disgust-driven murder-instinct takes over.  I asked him about why he voted to renew the Patriot Act and he like flinched and said "Thank you, and I appreciate you asking me that," too, which is code, or some political cultural reflex where you thank your constituent for a "tough" question.  Absurd.  He said he voted to re-authorize the Patriot Act over border security, and the infringements on civil liberties which he "tried" to get taken out were somehow worth it if it kept America safe.  Nevermind that no one from New York City, the place actually targeted, voted for it.  Fucker.  I guess when Buffalo gets an indoor water-park or a fucking monorail or whatever the hell is magically gonna appear on the waterfront and save us all, Higgins doesn't want it dirty-bombed by some irate Canadian.

Oh, and it might be some interest to you guys that he kept refrencing Friedman's "The World is Flat," which, tenuous as all that shit is, is pretty funny if you imagine them saying that the Earth ends at the horizon and that anything traveling to that edge would fall off.  No, he's a really big fan of it.  All that neoliberal capitalist shit bundled with this new thing called the internet?  I'm sold!  Where do I buy things now?  It was really insulting the way he broke down Friedman's better points ("9/11 or 11/9?"... yugh), and gave us "an economics lesson in four minutes and spared us four years," to paraphrase.  What a smarmy asshole.

His campaign manager was shaking my hand before I could even stand to leave, getting all up in my shit and telling me that it was the most intelligent question they've ever had about the Patriot Act because everyone usually attacks them.  I was like "If you want to blow me, you have to pay me first."

No, not really.  But Jesus.  I don't think they know what a joy it would be to attack them--with a roll of quarters balled up in each fist.  Kinda made me think of the Stan Goff piece you guys ran a couple issues ago.  The poster for Higgins' appearance said something like "Listen up!  Ask questions!  Act!"  or something.  I imagined Higgins finding his tires slashed and saying "Shouldn't have put that last thing on there..."

I'm just looking forward to graduation.  Chuck Shumer showed up last year (my girlfriend was walking and I rode it out with the "The World is Flat" review, actually), so I can't even guess what shit-heel politician they're gonna wheel in to break it down for us kids headed out into "the real world."  Hilary?  That's a recipe for an embolism.

-clay byrd, Fredonia

p.s.  I have an art show coming up at EBC in Fredonia on Friday.  Plus bands and poetry and booze.  Anybody from the Beast staff is welcome to attend.  Hit me back for more details.

Thanks Clay, but Fredonia’s farther than we’re willing to drive just to beat up poets. You seem cool enough, but what if your art sucks? Then we drove all that way, just so we can feign appreciation unconvincingly, mutter “uh, yeah, it’s cool” and then stand around, get too fucked up to drive back, heckle the bands and bone your girlfriend in your dorm room. What then, Clay? Will you be glad we came then? What about the next morning when we’re feeling bad about it, and in an uncomfortably forced pretense of rambunctious spontaneity we bust into the bathroom while you’re sulking in the tub and toss an unplugged hairdryer in with you, and instead of enjoying a really funny joke, you have a serious heart attack on the spot and die, and although we feel really bad about it, we decide not to make a big fuss about it and tell anyone, because we just have kind of a phobia about cops and jail cells, so we leave you to bloat in your own brine, but not before your girlfriend lets us do her again “for good luck?” What then, Clay? Sorry, but we just can’t risk it—you’re too important to us as a friend, man.


MAD ABOUT SOMETHING

i'm not sure but, who's the bright Einstein that decided to bring over that mass of useless, rusted pig oil for a museum piece?  That will be our next monument on the lake shore for another 10 to 20 years.  FUCK.  they have that time to pocket money debating it.  so they'll keep it until it's usless and they sink it or sell it piece by piece at a loss to taxpayers!  why don't we slap these assholes in the cock suckers??  it all starts right here before it gets to albany or washington.  cuz you can tell bush is from texas since, nothing but BULLSHIT ever leaves his decietful cock sucking mouth!  too bad so many people are so goddamn stupid or we wouldn't be here.  i'm not the stiffest cock around, but shit, i'm not (mentally) that dis-advantaged.  but are so many?  i feel that i'm losing hope for anything in my life time.  so, i don't care if you print this or not.  every time i turn around i see such stupidity it makes me want to vomit.

keep the paper up, i might subscribe

richard cyrankowski

Dear Richard,
What the hell are you talking about?


“CAPTIAN’S LOG: I SUCK”

The Republicans are going through some serious troubles, with Tom Delay's Abramoff issues, George's lying and getting caught, "Scooter" and now the perv at the Dept. of Homeland Security. The Dems are jumping up and down like Tom Cruise telling us how what they always knew would happen, did.

Now is the perfect time to write your Congressman and tell them we're watching.

Tell them we haven't forgotten how they let the Patriot act through because they didn't read it. Tell them we saw how they didn't stand up with Feingold. Tell them we don't buy that they have had their hands tied by the Republican dominance, that we think they could and must try harder.

Tell them what you think.
Christopher Globus

Really? Okay, here goes: We think that “Star Trek: Enterprise” was the worst installment of the series yet, and we’re glad it got canceled because it was an atrocity. We think that the people who cast these things are retarded. We don’t expect much, but Scott Bacula? Come on now! What, the guy from “Greatest American Hero” wasn’t available? And that horrible, cheesy Hasselhoff-derivative theme song that you just know is Bacula, he probably even friggin’ wrote it, the ego-tard. He’s like Scott Stapp from Creed, but easier to imagine kicking the shit out of. Hey…thanks, Globus! We feel a lot better now. You’re all right, for a guy whose last name sounds like a massive, overwhelmingly powerful cyborg supercomputer which will enslave humanity and rule the earth in the distant future.


RUST NEVER READS

Dear Beast,

      Nice piece on the latest waste of the taxpayers' money that will be the new Federal courthouse.

      The Beast did, however, miss the funniest irony of all. The Law Library in the current Federal courthouse has discontinued subscribing to a number of important case and law reporting publications because of budgetary reasons !!! At least the peasantry will be able to get screwed over in a nice, new, shiny and secure building ! In this regard, an up-to-date Law Library is a "waste" of the taxpayers' money as people or even lawyers who do not want to spend thousands of dollars per year do not need to research what the law holds on paper, they can just take the Court's word for it that the rich and powerful are right and they deserve to lose their cases. In regard to criminal cases, the poor can also take the Court's word that the police and prosecutors acted properly and they deserve to be in jail for lengthy sentences.

In the words of Neil Young --- "Keep on rockin in the Free World."

Very truly yours,
Wayne R. Gradl, Esq.

In the words of Michael Jackson, “I Want To Love You (P.Y.T.)/Pretty Young Thing/You Need Some Lovin’ (T.L.C.)/Tender Lovin’ Care/I’ll Shake You There.” Creepy, right?


BUFFALO ENDING

Sup foos,

I'm a casual consumer of lots of local alternative media.  While eating or pooping, I prefer to read The Beast, and I make do with other blah-blah such as Artvoice in between issues.  The rest of the time I go about my business with talk radio on.  Hell I even got a radio strapped on my bike.

Before they started lefty talk station AM 1270, I listened to NPR, even with drooly membership drives, investor droning and co-opting "balance".  I switched over because 1270 has less androids, more muckraking, less fluff shows about kittens and cookies, and talk from actual non-retarded Buffalonians, which is pretty hard to get elsewhere.  It's cool to see them advertising with you.  This town really has a lot to offer information junkies!

So here's a question.  Regarding Artvoice's past articles about the Seneca casino, how it could screw Buffalo, and alternatives to help the city, there was 1 topic I didn't see covered.  Just speculating, but there seem to be a lot of qualities that make Buffalo a good candidate for movie/TV production:  cheaper real estate than almost anywhere- distinctive architecture-  talent (UB is a top school for media study) with cheap cost of living and a thriving arts community-  and location between 2 world centers for media production (Toronto AKA "Hollywood North" and NYC).  With "runaway production" being a problem for Hollywood (Schwarzennegger's pet issue), the opportunity seems perfect.  Couldn't we kill 2 birds:  keep more jobs in the US, and revitalize Buffalo by making movies here?  Would you consider doing a piece about it?

Your subscriber and gossip-monger,
Pat L

Sure, Pat, we’ll consider it…………… Okay, we’re done. No. Why? Celebrity actors and directors don’t want to spend their time in places like Buffalo and the hundred other cities currently trying to pull this scheme off. They film in places they like to hang out in. You’d understand if you saw how bored—and kind of scared—Anjelica Huston and Christina Ricci looked getting drunk at Gabriel’s Gate. Anyhow, do we really need these people, and their people, and gaggles of gawking worshippers befouling our pristine grey bleakness? Celebrities make people act stupid, lose their cool, and then you can never look at them the same again, you know? I mean, it’s fine in Toronto, but we’re supposed to be—gritty, you know? How are we supposed to be gritty when every couple of days it’s OH MY GOD THAT’S JOHN TRAVOLTA! HEY JOHN, HEY! LOVED YOU IN—WELL PULP FICTION WASN’T BAD! WOW! Can you believe that? John fuckin’ Travolta, man, just chillin’ on Elmwood, dude, how fuckin’ awesome was that? Hold on, man, I gotta call my mom, she’s gonna freak out… See what we mean?

 

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