Part 3: Pie for Bauerle Falls Flat.

From a confidential source, henceforth referred to as “Spread Cheeks,” the BEAST staff gained sensitive knowledge of local conservative radio dunderhead Tom Bauerle’s eBay identity, and subsequently his purchase of some very cute kitten figurines inspired by the famous cat drawings of surreal cartoonist B. Kliban. Naturally, the plan was to use this information to get in the goon’s good favor, meet up with him and pie him in the face. The following are email transcripts between Tom Bauerle and BEAST covert ops specialist Chad Steal:

I hear you love Kliban cat stuff and I think it must be true because you talk about cats a lot. Anyway I was just wondering if that was true. Keep up the good work, we need more on air talent like you!

Long-time fan,
-Chad

*****

Actually, Kliban's work spurred my love of felines. I want to have an original Kliban at some point.

*****

Mr. Bauerle,
I wanted to be sure you liked Kliban before I offered you an original drawing I have recently inherited. My mother was a huge fan of two things: Kliban cat cartoons and your show. Getting her to talk of something other than her prized Kliban drawing or what you said on that particular day's show was impossible. Now that she is gone, I thought it fitting to offer it to you for giving my dear mother such joy, especially while she was in so much pain. She always wanted to meet you and my family and I am sure she would want you to have the drawing. The whole family is hoping you will accept this gift on behalf of your biggest and recently departed fan. Please let me know.
-Chad

*****

That is so incredibly kind of you! I have been trying to find an original Kliban, drawn by his own hand, for some time, without success. Of course, I would be thrilled to have it, but I have two concerns:

1. I am sure that your family has an emotional tie to that drawing, based upon the fact that it was one of your mom's favorite things.

2. There may be members of your family who may wish to have it.

I am glad that I was able to entertain your mom. I would love to have an original Kliban, but I don't want you to have "giver's remorse" down the line. Please just make sure that this is what you wish to do with it.

Thank you so much!

*****

[Frankly, at this point we were a little taken aback by Bauerle’s apparent kindness and tact. We quickly tuned in his show to refuel our motivation.]

Mr. Bauerle,
     I have discussed your concerns with my family and what they were most concerned about is that you would not accept our gift. Please know this is what we want. My brother, who is a huge fan and soon to be stationed at Ft. Drum, is insisting we give it to you on air so we could share our brief story about what you meant to my mother and thank you for all your listeners to hear. I don't know if this would be something you would be comfortable with or at all interested in, but I promised my brother I would ask. Of course we will give it to you anywhere but it would mean a lot to all of us. At any rate, I would like to give it to you in person.

Let us know,
Chad

*****

    As far as an on-air presentation, that would be tough. I can certainly mention what your family has done. I would offer you money, but I know that you'd decline. What I would like to do is make a gift to the SPCA in honor of your mom. If she liked Klibans, she must have adored animals. The fact is, no one sells their original hand-drawn Klibans, so I have no idea what this would command on the open-market. It may be a $300 piece or it may be a $1000 piece, I have no idea. I just want you to be aware of the possible value of an original, hand-drawn Kliban. Before I accept it, I just need to know that you have considered the intrinsic and extrinsic value of the work. No, I wouldn't sell it. It would hang in my office at home. (The neat one!)

    Please don't misunderstand me: An original Kliban would be SO cool, and I am honored that your mom received enjoyment from my show, but I just want to know that you and your family have considered everything.

    If you still would like me to have it, I could stop by some evening at your place; or you could come to the station at noon someday and I could give you the tour (takes about 10-15 minutes).

*****

Mr. Bauerle,
     Of course I understand about the on-air presentation, it really wouldn't be good radio anyway. My family is fully aware of the value of the Kliban piece, it has been authenticated and appraised. Money is not an issue and we are absolutely sure that you should have it. Perhaps we can meet tomorrow afternoon. Let me know if you are free and we can set up a place to meet.
-Chad

p.s. Be warned: I may come armed with pies (my sister loves to bake and is a huge fan).

[We felt it would only be fair to drop some hints as to our intentions, since he was being so nice!]

*****

Please, call me Tom!

Thank you for addressing my concerns; I just wanted you to be SURE that you wanted to do this. If you want to stop by the radio station at noon, that'd be great, but please let me know so I can tell the receptionist that you are expected. If you want me to come to you (I don't know where you live), I could do it after the show or at some point over the weekend. As for the pies, I don't dare bring them home, but I can certainly share them with my coworkers.

 Please know how very grateful I am to you for your gift. I have all of Kliban's books and many of the vintage figurin.....err....statues. His sick sense of humor and love of felines have made my life a better place, and as Gina Browning (SPCA) can confirm I have been trying to track down an original with no success for over a year. Having a Kliban

will be wonderful. Knowing that it comes from a lady who enjoyed my work makes it all the better, and every time I look at it I will think of your family. Please make sure that you give me her full name so I can make a gift to the SPCA in her honor. Thanks.

*****

Several more emails were exchanged. We tried to meet him somewhere on neutral ground, with various emotionally manipulative lies fueling the process. Nearly a week passed before he agreed to meet us for coffee and “pie” at Spot Coffee on Chippewa and Delaware. All arrangements had been taken care of: a framed dupe Kliban cat was drawn (with a voice bubble that read, “fuck off Bauerle!”); a gift bag and bow were purchased; an escape plan had been meticulously plotted by BEAST intern Paul Jones, and a cream pie lay waiting on an office desk. Basically, we were going to ask him to pose with the pie for picture, stick it in his face, get the photo and run like hell. Then at the last minute we receive another correspondence.

Chad--
 I feel like a total turd, but I cannot make tonight because I just found out that I have to act as a taxi for a few people. At this point, it might be easier to pop the piece in the mail. I will reimburse you for the postage/insurance. When your move is over and things settle down for the both of us, please let me know and I would be happy to give you guys a tour of the station if you'd like. Also, please tell me your mom's name so that I can make a memorial donation to the SPCA.

That was it: he had either gotten wise or become totally lazy. He must have spoken about the situation with someone who has common sense. Damn! We were going to have to do this thing right in the radio studio. I won’t pretend we weren’t scared. None of us had ever pied a man in the face, let alone in his place of business, surrounded by colleagues. It could get messy: security guards, cameras and an unfamiliar building layout. However the plan was in place and we were ready to proceed.

But then, just as we were to email Bauerle again and finalize a meeting, Spread Cheeks dropped a proverbial bomb: Our inside source told us of Tommy’s penchant for carrying a concealed handgun.

The stakes had been raised considerably and we weighed the risks. Would Bauerle, face full of meringue, and ears full of derisive laughter, flip his lid and bust a cap? Would our mean but harmless caper become a tragic bloodbath? Revolutionary pastry rhetoric quickly gave way to “well, I don’t want to get shot, do you?” In the end, we decided the prank wasn’t worth getting shot in the back while running away from an enraged Tom Bauerle. We slunk away again, this time defeated by inept planning, the 2nd amendment and, ultimately, the fear of physical pain and death. We never did write him back. We straight-up chickened out and ate the pie to comfort ourselves.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” the saying goes. We learn from our failures, and press on to greater glory. There are more such stories of comically abortive BEAST missions, but those we reserve for another issue with excess white space to fill. Why, some may wonder, would we reveal our embarrassing bloopers for the world to see? Because funny is funny, even when the joke’s on us.

Back to part 1