Prank of Two Cities
The incredible true story of how we propositioned
the mayor’s wife and rigged the NHL playoffs.
10 Signs of the Impending Police State
Hey America, freedom's just around the corner...
Preview of this Issue
...By Sabres play-by-play man Rick Jeanneret!
Know More Words Than You
An editorial of verbose contrivance.
M:I:3, Stick It, RV, United 93.
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
BEAST Page 3 Postponed Mushroom Cloud
Judge Punch, toilet reading, and Moses in denial.
Why Tony Snow is the perfect choice for press
BEAST's Greatest Misses
Exposing our bloopers for all to see.
A message of grtitude to Jamie and Mike.
Fat-bottomed diet chart serves US RDA of misinformation
Cheney Takes Time off to Fuck Himself
Children: What can you do?
Childcare tips for the uninformed.
American Dreamz, The Sentinel, Silent
Hill, The Wild.
Your cosmic fortune...
in insult form.
BEAST Page 3 Republican Hood Ornament
Bong hits, federal charges, superfluous praise.
Buffalo Cops fight drugs in canine massacre.
Bob Wilmers' free market field holler.
Giambra makes sense on drugs; electorate
Ten Signs of the Impending U.S. Police State
America! Freedom is just around the corner…behind you
saving grace of alternative media in this age of unfettered
corporate conglomeration has been the internet. While the
masses are spoon-fed predigested news on TV and in mainstream
print publications, the truth-seeking individual still has
access to a broad array of investigative reporting and political
opinion via the world-wide web. Of course, it was only a matter
of time before the government moved to patch up this crack
in the sky. Attempts to regulate and filter internet content
are intensifying lately, coming both from telecommunications
corporations (who are gearing up to pass legislation transferring
ownership and regulation of the internet to themselves), and
the Pentagon (which issued an “Information Operations Roadmap”
in 2003, signed by Donald Rumsfeld, which outlines tactics
such as network attacks and acknowledges, without suggesting
a remedy, that US propaganda planted in other countries has
easily found its way to Americans via the internet). One obvious
tactic clearing the way for stifling regulation of internet
content is the growing media frenzy over child pornography
and “internet predators,” which will surely lead to legislation
that by far exceeds in its purview what is needed to fight
little piece of clumsy marketing died off quickly, but it
gave away what many already suspected: the War on Terror will
never end, nor is it meant to end. It is designed to be perpetual.
As with the War on Drugs, it outlines a goal that can never
be fully attained—as long as there are pissed off people and
explosives. The Long War will eternally justify what are ostensibly
temporary measures: suspension of civil liberties, military
expansion, domestic spying, massive deficit spending and the
like. This short-lived moniker told us all, “get used to it.
Things aren’t going to change any time soon.”
USA PATRIOT Act
anyone really think this was going to be temporary? Yes, this
disgusting power grab gives the government the right to sneak
into your house, look through all your stuff and not tell
you about it for weeks on a rubber stamp warrant. Yes, they
can look at your medical records and library selections. Yes,
they can pass along any information they find without probable
cause for purposes of prosecution. No, they’re not going to
take it back, ever.
last January the Army Corps of Engineers gave Halliburton
subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root nearly $400 million to
build detention centers in the United States, for the purpose
of unspecified “new programs.” Of course, the obvious first
guess would be that these new programs might involve rounding
up Muslims or political dissenters—I mean, obviously detention
facilities are there to hold somebody. I wish I had
more to tell you about this, but it’s, you know…secret.
clear, copious evidence that these nefarious contraptions
are built to be tampered with, they continue to spread and
dominate the voting landscape, thanks to Bush’s “Help America
Vote Act,” the exploitation of corrupt elections officials,
and the general public’s enduring cluelessness.
Utah, Emery County Elections Director Bruce Funk witnessed
security testing by an outside firm on Diebold voting machines
which showed them to be a security risk. But his warnings
fell on deaf ears. Instead Diebold attorneys were flown to
Emery County on the governor's airplane to squelch the story.
Funk was fired. In Florida, Leon County Supervisor of Elections
Ion Sancho discovered an alarming security flaw in their Diebold
system at the end of last year. Rather than fix the flaw,
Diebold refused to fulfill its contract. Both of the other
two touchscreen voting machine vendors, Sequoia and ES&S,
now refuse to do business with Sancho, who is required by
HAVA to implement a touchscreen system and will be sued by
his own state if he doesn’t. Diebold is said to be pressuring
for Sancho’s ouster before it will resume servicing the county.
like these and much worse abound, and yet TV news outlets
have done less coverage of the new era of elections fraud
than even 9/11 conspiracy theories. This is possibly the most
important story of this century, but nobody seems to give
a damn. As long as this issue is ignored, real American democracy
will remain an illusion. The midterm elections will be an
interesting test of the public’s continuing gullibility about
voting integrity, especially if the Democrats don’t win substantial
gains, as they almost surely will if everything is kosher.
just suggested that his brother Jeb would make a good president.
We really need to fix this problem soon.
has famously never vetoed a bill. This is because he prefers
to simply nullify laws he doesn’t like with “signing statements.”
Bush has issued over 700 such statements, twice as many as
all previous presidents combined. A few examples of recently
passed laws and their corresponding dismissals, courtesy of
the Boston Globe:
30, 2005: US interrogators cannot torture prisoners
or otherwise subject them to cruel, inhuman, and degrading
signing statement: The president, as commander in
chief, can waive the torture ban if he decides that harsh
interrogation techniques will assist in preventing terrorist
30: When requested, scientific information ''prepared
by government researchers and scientists shall be transmitted
[to Congress] uncensored and without delay."
signing statement: The president can tell researchers
to withhold any information from Congress if he decides its
disclosure could impair foreign relations, national security,
or the workings of the executive branch.
23, 2004: Forbids US troops in Colombia from participating
in any combat against rebels, except in cases of self-defense.
Caps the number of US troops allowed in Colombia at 800.
signing statement: Only the president, as commander
in chief, can place restrictions on the use of US armed forces,
so the executive branch will construe the law ''as advisory
this administration is bypassing the judiciary and deciding
for itself whether laws are constitutional or not. Somehow,
I don’t see the new Supreme Court lineup having much of a
problem with that, though. So no matter what laws congress
passes, Bush will simply choose to ignore the ones he doesn’t
care for. It’s much quieter than a veto, and can’t be overridden
by a two-thirds majority. It’s also totally absurd.
the GOP sees this issue as a plus for them. How can this be?
What are you, stupid? You find out the government is listening
to the phone calls of US citizens, without even the weakest
of judicial oversight and you think that’s okay? Come on—if
you know anything about history, you know that no government
can be trusted to handle something like this responsibly.
One day they’re listening for Osama, and the next they’re
listening in on Howard Dean.
about it: this administration hates unauthorized leaks.
With no judicial oversight, why on earth wouldn’t they
eavesdrop on, say, Seymour Hersh, to figure out who’s spilling
the beans? It’s a no-brainer. Speaking of which, it bears
repeating: terrorists already knew we would try to
spy on them. They don’t care if we have a warrant or not.
But you should.
know it’s old news, but…come on, are they fucking serious?
Generals. Top-level CIA officials. NSA operatives. White House
cabinet members. These are the kind of people that Republicans
fantasize about being, and whose judgment they usually respect.
But for some reason, when these people resign in protest and
criticize the Bush administration en masse, they are cast
as traitorous, anti-American publicity hounds. Ridiculous.
The fact is, when people who kill, spy and deceive for a living
tell you that the White House has gone too far, you had damn
well better pay attention. We all know most of these people
are staunch Republicans. If the entire military except for
the two guys the Pentagon put in front of the press wants
Rumsfeld out, why on earth wouldn’t you listen?
Porter Goss fired because he was resisting the efforts of
Rumsfeld or Negroponte? No. These appointments all come from
the same guys, and they wouldn’t be nominated if they weren’t
on board all the way. Goss was probably canned so abruptly
due to a scandal involving a crooked defense contractor, his
hand-picked third-in-command, the Watergate hotel and some
(no doubt spectacular) hookers.
Bush’s nominee for CIA chief, Air Force General Michael Hayden,
is confirmed, that will put every spy program in Washington
under military control. Hayden, who oversaw the NSA warrantless
wiretapping program and is clearly down with the program.
That program? To weaken and dismantle or at least neuter the
CIA. Despite its best efforts to blame the CIA for “intelligence
errors” leading to the Iraq war, the picture has clearly emerged—through
extensive CIA leaks—that the White House’s analysis of Saddam’s
destructive capacity was not shared by the Agency. This has
proved to be a real pain in the ass for Bush and the gang.
have thought that career spooks would have moral qualms about
deceiving the American people? And what is a president to
do about it? Simple: make the critical agents leave, and fill
their slots with Bush/Cheney loyalists. Then again, why not
simply replace the entire organization? That is essentially
what both Rumsfeld at the DoD and newly minted Director of
National Intelligence John are doing—they want to move intelligence
analysis into the hands of people that they can control, so
the next time they lie about an “imminent threat” nobody’s
going to tell. And the press is applauding the move as a “necessary
the good old days, when the CIA were the bad guys?