A column by Dana Milbank

[Editor's note: The BEAST is honored to bring you this guest post by living legend Dana Milbank and we dare not besmirch his immaculate prose by editing his work or even checking it for errors. Enjoy!]

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I becom increesingly ANGRY with my Post columm. My edators hold me back and its really starting to piss me off. I wanted to say stuff about the oil thing and they were like no someone else is doing that. Write about President Obama getting rained on. Well I’ve HAD IT I went to Yale, I can write good and I want to write abuot whatever iwant . So I figured I had to explor other aditional opshins and I was like hell to the yeah Im sining up with The BEAST Quarterly. then Ian the edator said its not a quarterly and I was like oh cool but I still want too write for you guys. I can do good you’ll see and you’re traffic will go thru the roof. HAS IT? HAS IT? I bet it has now I bet

The oil spill thgin is bad everyone knows it but the questoian is what’re we gonna do about it? Im talking about the taxpayors and us the journalists who have too hold these compnaies acountable, really put they’re feet to the fire but not too close! we dont want them to get burned and collapse the econamy, thats soshalism. It is impertinant to stage an invstigatshion and find the facts in the middst of all that oil floting on top of the gulf. who did it? I don’t know do you? We have tofind out. Theres takl it could be environwhatever terrists and I think thats possibal genrelly speking but then again I dont know. could it be a natural disaster? Maybe but how did it happen? BP doesnt know and if they do their not telling us and now im ANGRY. my secretatary has they’re phone numbers and im gonna cal them later and get to the bottom this real quik, trust papa dana on that 1. ill let you guys know what happens in my next columm. am I getting paid for this

So yesterday I was on cnn

I was just talkin too my friend chris cilza from the Post like me he writes a blog and he was like dude you cant do what I do and I was like dude yes I can you dick. he was like dude omg why cant we do mouthpeace theater anymore it was so good! Iw as like yeah I know but the doosh bags complaned after we said that stuff and man I dont want to hear it anymor and nyther do the boses they gots o much crap dude you dont even know. and he was like yeah I do know cuz I was rite there the hole time you idiot. and I said oh yeah I remember now. he said do you wana go to bens chili bole and get some lunch. and I was like fo shizle my nizle im so down for that rite now starvin like marvin. I had a halfsmoke and it was good but then I couldnt finish it. after that I went to the white house and had a 3 ower convo with rahm god that guys such a dick

I’m not convinced

BY FORREST OAK

Good evening. I’m Forrest Oak. There’s a lot being made over this BP “oil spill” down in the Gulf. A lot of green-mongering. A lot of the same old Chicken Little routine we’ve seen coming out of the Gore-ista camp, for the last 700 years in this country. And, frankly, it’s just a whole mess of environmentalist bed-wetting. Is anyone asking the tough questions? I mean, besides me. I’m Forrest Oak. For instance, is there really scientific consensus that this “spill” exists? And if there is scientific consensus on its existence, can we say with absolute certainty that it is man-made? It seems a little egotistical to think that humans could affect their environment on such a large and catastrophic scale. Some things are just not within our power. Now, if God wants to release a million gallons of oil into the Gulf of Mexico – if oil spills really exist – then that is within his divine power. But to suggest we could do that? Pure arrogance. Read the rest of this entry »

Salahis should face death penalty

BY FORREST OAK

Good evening, I’m Forrest Oak.

Am I the only one who gets how seriously this Salahi situation could have been? Oh, and it was a situation, folks. Let’s not kid ourselves. It could have been worse than 2012, directed by Roland Emmerich.

Here we had two totally unscreened individuals – we don’t know if they’re right in the head, we don’t know if they’ll go for a dinner fork and stab Joe Biden in the hand, we don’t if their cuff links shoot poison gas, we don’t know if they’re Ninja Assassins, directed by James McTeigue – with access, in proximity, and next to, the President and the Vice President of the United States. Sure, nothing “happened” this time, but next time it could make 9/11 look like a kitten’s asshole.

I know people are saying: “But the Salahis went through a metal detector! The Salahis had no more opportunity to harm President Obama than do thousands of other folks, who happen to be at Joe Biden’s favorite unscheduled hamburger pit stop!” Don’t buy the hype here, people. This is just more of that moderate-wing bunk coming out of Washington these days. I’m fed up to here with it! (I’m pointing to my deeply furrowed brow.) Read the rest of this entry »

A BEAST Reader Opinion
by Jimmy Stinson

Brought to you by…

You read me right, by Jiminy. I’m a eatin’ people food tonight! Hot dog! Well, not quite, but close.

The dish du jour for this monsieur is a barely dented can of Vienna sausages, thank you very much. Who would throw away such a fanciful delicacy, you ask? The Walgreens down on 5th. Itchy Dave dug ‘em out the dumpster. They was right on the top! But you know Itchy Dave. He ain’t want nothing to do with ‘em. Some people do not appreciate the finer things, mon aimees. Greasy, congealed pearls before swine.

Peggy and her new beau might be up under the 17th street overpass tonight. I saw her yesterday down near the mission and she said they might even get some hooch with the money they got from sellin’ plasma. Sausages and a cocktail, that would be somethin’, boy.

I generally stay away from the mission on account of the proselytizing, but sometimes you just have to accept Lord Jesus as your savior to get you some tube socks, you know? I don’t see any other reason to—except these here Vienna sausages, naturally. They better than any old water-walkin’ anyhow. I mean, what’s that ever done for anybody?

A guy I tramped with down Baltimore way used to say, “Jimmy, there’s two things you need to know about this here life: one, keep your feet elevated to reduce the swellin’ and two, a man will always trade Jesus for a good lookin’ woman!” And don’t you know he was right. Too bad so many of good ones freeze during the night.

Once Peggy was talkin’ how we should get down south. Now this was way before she done hooked up with that fella. Them fools is inseparable now, thicker’n thieves. But you know, she ain’t laid eyes on these here Vienna suasages. Ol’ Jimmy’s got a few trick up his sleeve.

A woman, some fine cuisine and the hair of the dog what bit me! Now that’d be the life, brother.

That’d be the life.