An exciting new trailer for the film James Cameron is totally qualified to make.

The BEAST endures the awful ‘Get Motivated” seminar in Buffalo, NY. Speakers included Steve Forbes, Rudy Giuliani, Joe Montana and Colin Powell. In between the big names and God-talk, ass-hats tried to sell the crowd a $3,200 investment software package — you know, to get motivated!

HANGING WITH THE PATRIOTS
at the Brian Higgins (D-Buffalo) Fundraiser
It’s enough to make your head bleed!

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A Beaster Miracle

BY IAN MURPHY

No, it’s not immoral,” she hemmed. “But…”

“But, what?” I wondered, pinning my bright red fedora to the curly afro-wig. I checked my face paint in the side mirror and smiled.

“But,” she reflected, steering the wheel, “it is sort of mean.”

“Like teaching a small child that they’re going to hell?” I shot back. “Straighten up and fly right, Little Jimmy, or it’s Satan’s pitchfork—right in your ass—for all motherfucking eternity!” I illustrated by repeatedly stabbing the dashboard with my balloon-animal fish.

“OK!” she relented. “But what’s the point?”

I slapped my forehead and said, “It’s not that cryptic! What these people believe is a fucking joke. I’m dressed as a clown. What—what—what’s not to get?” Read the rest of this entry »