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July , 2010
Friday

Archive for the ‘Best of The Beast’ Category

TERROR ALERT!

Posted by admin On August - 10 - 2008 1 COMMENT

The absolutely true story of how The BEAST smuggled al Qaeda into the U.S.

BY IAN MURPHY

“I want security, yeah
Without it I had a great loss, oh now
Security, yeah
And I want it at any cost, oh now”

-Otis Redding

July 16, 2008—“Are you guys crazy?” a fisherman screams to us across his bow. His larger, motorized vessel rocks precariously in the Lake Erie chop, fifty yards off our port. The wind is twenty if it’s a knot. The sea, she’s a daft wench this morn’.

“Yarrrrrr, matey!” Jones manages to answer, as a white-capped swell pitches our canoe like a child’s toy. The fiberglass prow hammers the deep trough and he bounces forward. “Yarrrrr!” Read the rest of this entry »

Let there be retards

Posted by admin On May - 15 - 2007 Comments Off


by Ian Murphy

“THREE-O-NINE! THREE-O-NINE!” I crudely affected like an overgrown toddler, exuberantly waving the hotel room key card overhead, and cradling a small, foam-rubber Tyrannosaurus Rex. I adjusted the thick, foreign prescription bifocals strapped to my head, and steamrolled to the front of the line—purblind and unconcerned with normal etiquette. I wasn’t about to wait around in the Godforsaken lobby of a Cincinnati EconoLodge while the biggest story since creation started without us. Read the rest of this entry »

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Emails from idiots

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ROEDER THE MAYBE KILLER

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