BOZO BEATDOWN

Okay, the clown thing was fucking stupid. First of all, Ian Murphy deserved to get a serious beat-down, but it didn’t happen. Having his snide ass kicked by bible-thumpers would have at least been funny. If some weirdo waltzed into my local bar wearing a clown suit and making an ass out of himself while I was trying to enjoy a soothing, well-deserved beer, I can assure you that he’d find himself balls-up on the sidewalk trying to figure out why he had on that dumb-assed clown wig. Smarten up, Ian. Being a dick isn’t always hilarious.

Manuel Martinez

Dear Manuel,

So what you’re saying is, if you were at a bar, and a guy walked into the bar in a clown suit, you’d beat him up? That doesn’t seem very cool of you, Manuel. Why not say, “Hey, clown guy! Come have a drink and tell me your story”? It’s just a bar, Manuel, what’s the big deal? Sheesh. It’s not Murphy’s fault the churchies didn’t have the balls to beat him up. Read the rest of this entry »

Matt Korvette has got to be the absolute worst person to have in your band.

As I watched him jaunt around the Mohawk Place stage on May 15th, whipping rubber-chicken limbs in every direction with an injured, faux-diva sexuality, I got the vague feeling that this is what it would look like if Jim Carrey were cast for the role of Henry Rollins in a Black Flag biopic.

And not regular Jim Carrey. Early, maniacal, Ace Ventura-era Carrey, where his shenanigans were silly, but only because you didn’t actually have to deal with him in person. And you only laugh at it now because you thought it was the greatest thing ever when you were eleven.

Korvette is the front-man for Pissed Jeans, an Allentown, Pennsylvania-based hardcore band that redefines the word “suck.” They’ve cancelled their last two Buffalo shows, so the performance was highly anticipated. At least by the thirty kids in attendance, who were, to judge by appearance, all members in the opening bands.

Now, I don’t care for hardcore. I spent a year or two in and out of basements, got my fill and came upstairs. So I had specific disinterest in checking out the openers. I was outside with the chain-smokers through most of their sets. The few waves of sound that I caught through the opening and closing of doors didn’t strike me as particularly interesting. Read the rest of this entry »

MOVIE TRAILER REVIEWS
BY MICHAEL GILDEA

Land of the Lost

Just when you think Will Ferrell has the ability to be comically irrefutable he goes and sticks his wick in some kid-friendly comic adventure. Don’t believe me? Go watch Anchorman, then watch Kicking and Screaming. If things aren’t bad enough in kiddy country, Will’s taking us to remake city as well. Remember the TV show Land of the Lost? Yeah, me neither but apparently it existed.

I’m not sure how this scenario is supposed to tie into the original series, but Ferrell plays some crackpot scientist who lands ass-backwards into some magical prehistoric otherworld with dinosaurs, lizard people and other dumb crap all the other scientists said doesn’t exist. Isn’t that ironic? Who’d have thought, right?

The worst part is you can’t even blame this movie on the economy. Land of the Lost probably got the okay last summer, and at worst they got a just okay lunch table as opposed to a four star spread after the words “economic crisis” garnered daily repetition.

Why the hell does this keep happening? I really don’t want to go on some tirade about how summer movies used to mean something (actually I’m not sure if they ever did). I also know that you really don’t have to try that hard to get people into an air-conditioned theater during post-shower shower season. But can’t you at least try?

If I was promised that Ferrell did something like dry hump an ice sculpture in the middle of this kid-friendly crapfest I would maybe watch it on cable someday. Maybe he could work some 9/11 jokes in there and defecate himself, just to let us know he isn’t serious with Land of the Lost. Read the rest of this entry »

NOBODY REALLY THINKS ABORTION IS MURDER

By ERICH SCHULTE

Every few years a wingnut murders a doctor who performs abortions or bombs an abortion clinic. The most recent victim is Dr. George Tiller, a late-term abortion specialist who had already endured another attempted murder several years ago and whose clinic had been bombed in the past. The suspect taken into custody is named Scott Roeder.

To those of us who don’t hate women for having sex, Roeder is a clear villain, someone we wouldn’t mind seeing drowned in a slurry of discarded fetuses. Read the rest of this entry »