Name: Death Panel

Turn-ons: Death, dying, refusing life-extending treatment based on productivity levels, Nazi Germany, Pol Pot

Turn-offs: Extraordinary measures, The Schiavos, retards and old folks.

How we got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 DEATH PANEL: Well, they’re calling us “end of life counseling,” but Death Panel just sounds so cool! And besides, old people are just so annoying, don’t you think? They smell funny. They clog up our highways and shopping centers. They’re afraid of Barack Obama. They make us talk on the phone when we’d rather be playing video games. They complain about everything. Honestly, aren’t you tired of them? I know I am. When the elderly are euthanized, America is youth-enized!

Future plans: Well, once the bill gets passed, I’ll be knocking off the elderly and feeble-minded like tin cans in a shooting gallery. Request denied motherfuckers!

How we’d like to be remembered: As the one thing Sarah Palin got right. Well, you know, sort of. Okay, there’s no such thing as a Death Panel. Still, it sounds pretty cool though, right?

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

I know you want your country back, Leo, but there are some Iroquois gentlemen here who have a much stronger claim.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22)

I have seen the long form birth certificate, Virgo, and it’s the weirdest thing: Turns out it’s just a regular fucking birth certificate you douche.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22)

I know you’re upset about the way the new GI Joe movie differs from the original cartoons, but consider this, Libra: You’re a grown-up now.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

If you want your ex-boyfriend to leave you alone, Scorpio, I suggest you stop sucking his dick. Read the rest of this entry »

RESISTANCE IS FETAL

This article by Erich Schulte was logical and irrefutable; it will be ignored by pro-lifers, or as I prefer to call them angry god botherers.

The human logic that we should actively prevent murder, therefore, not preventing murder (abortion)is being complicit in murder, is wonderful; I shall use it in my contacts with chritianism types.

Erich, I don’t know if this is original but you may like to use it in your own dealings with anti-abortionists, if not I don’t care:

A.)”If every fetus is a human being as you claim I assume they also have a soul?”

B.) “Naturally”.

A.) “They are aborted and then join Jesus in heaven?”

B.) “Of course.”

A.) “When you die you’ll go to heaven?”

B.) “Without doubt.”

A.) “When you meet these millions of souls of the aborted fetuses, what exactly will you talk about? That is will you talk about your life on earth, and how will a three week fetus,or a four day zygote respond, you dumb fuck?”

Reality and religion are two different worlds, articles like this do spread; I intend to spread it,

Cheers Erich,

Rob.

Dear Rob,

Here’s the problem with your argument: Adults don’t have souls either. And there is no heaven. And if there were, the assertion that aborted fetuses would make terrible conversationalists isn’t much of an argument. Why not just pare it down to “you dumb fuck”? Read the rest of this entry »

So there was that band Man Man. For the last few years you had friends who’d mention that you’d’ve got to’ve checked them out. Maybe you did: the Pitchfork exclusives or the Takeaway Show on Youtube. Maybe you copied their second or third album off someone. And as it turned out, that one friend was right; it was sort of like if Zappa and/or Beefheart did cabaret. And it DID make sense that they were on the same label as Tom Waits. But there’ve been so many distinctive-genre hype wagons out there the last few years that you don’t really notice them floating by anymore. So you might never’ve ended up getting INTO it, per se, et cetera, et cetera.

That same Man Man came to Buffalo on (a Tuesday) July 14 and proved, once and for all, that “yes, we are sort of like if Zappa and/or Beefheart did cabaret, and it totally makes sense that we’re on the same label as Tom Waits, but that flips your switch, baby, so you paid $15 to get in. Enjoy.” Read the rest of this entry »