Name: Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab’s drawers

Turn-ons: Allah, Muhammad (PBUH), the Qur’an, Ṣalāt, violent Jihad, released Gitmo detainees, Pentaerythritol tetranitrate, elastic, cotton, Pete Hoekstra, supporting testicles & infertility.

Turn-offs: “The Hills,” airport body scanners, skid marks, Detroit, interagency cooperation, Santa Claus, joy, peace, flying, ethics, vigilance & chaffing.

How I got to be The BEAST Page 3 Terrorist Undies: I was like any other pair of tighty-whities — made in China, fell off a truck in Yemen and became radicalized. I met Umar in the marketplace, and it turned out we both knew al-Qaeda talent scout Anwar al-Awlaki, so it was only natural that we’d be a terrorist team. And we both hate our dads, but I digress. A lot of people don’t know this, but I was the one who came up with using Pentaerythritol tetranitrate (PETN) to blow up the plane. I have a bad ticker, you see, and my medication Lentonitrat is pure PETN. So, we just crushed up a bottle or two, hopped a plane to Amsterdam and then off to Detroit. And you know the rest. They ripped me to shreds, basically. Infidels!

Future Plans: Although PETN is easy to sneak onto a plane, it’s pretty useless as an explosive on it’s own — it’s usually used as a catalyst to explode more volatile materials, like, C4. And without a blasting cap all it really does is start on fire. LAME! So, I’m going to work out how to smuggle a blasting cap past security — possibly in the tip of a cane! Oh, that’s good! (Don’t tell the Feds.)

How I’d Like to be Remembered: As not only an instrument of Jihad, which I most certainly am, but also as a fashion statement. I mean, no one wears briefs anymore, and I’d like to see that change.

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