Name: Death Panel

Turn-ons: Death, dying, refusing life-extending treatment based on productivity levels, Nazi Germany, Pol Pot

Turn-offs: Extraordinary measures, The Schiavos, retards and old folks.

How we got to be The BEAST PAGE 3 DEATH PANEL: Well, they’re calling us “end of life counseling,” but Death Panel just sounds so cool! And besides, old people are just so annoying, don’t you think? They smell funny. They clog up our highways and shopping centers. They’re afraid of Barack Obama. They make us talk on the phone when we’d rather be playing video games. They complain about everything. Honestly, aren’t you tired of them? I know I am. When the elderly are euthanized, America is youth-enized!

Future plans: Well, once the bill gets passed, I’ll be knocking off the elderly and feeble-minded like tin cans in a shooting gallery. Request denied motherfuckers!

How we’d like to be remembered: As the one thing Sarah Palin got right. Well, you know, sort of. Okay, there’s no such thing as a Death Panel. Still, it sounds pretty cool though, right?

BALTIMORE — A team of doctors and cognitive researchers issued a joint statement Thursday detailing “pressing concerns” regarding recently retired Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s health, claiming the Republican starlet “may be too stupid to live much longer.”

At a press conference in johns Hopkins Medical Center, neurologist Rajib L. Shaktakarian spoke for the group as he listed off a number of observed symptoms, including aphasia, memory loss, delusions, and “general idiocy,” which “seem to be worsening by the day,” judging by recent public statements.

“Normally,” said Dr. Shaktakarian, “these symptoms might indicate a stroke or series of strokes, but judging by her apparent bodily health, and the lack of facial drooping or motor-neuron impairment, we have concluded that Palin is suffering from a severe case of clinical stupidity, which we fear may be terminal.” Read the rest of this entry »