Late last month in an unprecedented metaphor, Proctor and Gamble donated 14,000 Mega Rolls of its Charmin brand toilet paper to cleanse and soothe the chapped anuses of Rath Building employees. "This generosity has come at such a crucial moment of need," said Erie County Legislature Chairman George Holt, "up till now I’ve been wiping my ass with no-bid contracts and wrinkled C-notes."

With an impending budget crisis and a recently vandalized Rath building bathroom, the act of charity was a "no-brainer" according to Proctor and Gamble CEO A.G. Lafley. "Once we learned that Erie County existed—and that it was in such deep shit—financially speaking," said Lafley, "we knew what needed to be done."

"Oh sure, this whole thing has warmed the hearts of everyone in the county," said Jeff Davis, a man not affiliated with local government who reportedly heard about the corporate philanthropy through "a friend of a friend." Many present for Davis’s statement remain unclear whether or not he was being sarcastic.

It seems the makers of Charmin have indeed warmed the hearts of some and perhaps taught us all how to care again.

"Proctor and Gamble promoted one of their more innocuous products while drawing attention to the colossal waste in Erie County government," said Kim Feil, V-P & Senior Marketing Officer of Kimberly-Clark, the company that makes Depends and Kotex brand personal hygiene products. "As a company that cares," says Feil, "we really were left with no other recourse than to promote our products—as a way to show we care."

To the delight of needy Rath building workers, Kimberly-Clark followed suit by donating a full year’s supply of Super Absorbent Depends Refastenable Underwear and 50,000 Ultra Wiggle-Proof Kotex maxi pads.

"These selfless acts of corporate kindness have touched me in a very special place; you know, um, down there," said Erie county legislator Denise E. Marshall, timidly pointing to her genitals. "The task at hand now is to stop the hemorrhaging—of runaway Medicaid costs."

While some, like Marshall, feel no shame in "riding the cotton pony of charity," others in local government can’t help feeling that they have become the butt of a horrible joke.

"Did those companies have to give us such personal items? We need pens and ink cartridges too. It seems like they are making fun of us somehow. I don’t know how," said minority leader Michael H. Ranzenhofer, "but they are, I just know it."

"This isn’t simply about potty humor," County Executive Joel Giambra told reporters earlier this week, "this is about me being able to defecate whenever and wherever I damn well please." Then, to the horror of local journalists who were present, the County Executive reddened in the face and added, "In fact, I’m making a deposit right—wait—wait—now! Oh yeah, that’s the stuff. Ahh, woo—that one was solid. Boo-yah!"

Just as Rath building employees thought things couldn’t possibly get any better and worse, the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer stepped up to the plate, offering to fit all of the building’s staff with designer colostomy bags.

"Look ma, no hands!" yelped excited legislator Charles Swanick as his leaking bowels emptied into a clear plastic bag. "Once all the county’s elected officials have been fitted with a handsome poop pouch like this one, we can get down to the business of governing—and go golfing."