You arrive at the clinic to pick up your date just as the nurses have finished injecting it with powdered nourishment. He promises you an "enchanted evening," and asks if you've ever heard of the band "Ace of Base."

The sloth tells you that it is too weak to dress itself, and asks if you would mind helping him get his vest on. You notice a strange emblem on the vest pocket and when you ask him about it he grows angry, vehemently denying any involvement with the Freemasons.

The emaciated sloth wheezes into the glove compartment as you follow his directions to Veteran's Hall, where he has promised to teach you how to "boot scoot."

After taking a sip of his cosmopolitan, the sloth begins clutching at his bowels and moaning loudly. You ask if there is anything you can do and he asks you to gather some fermented moss so he can bed down for an hour.

After an hour, the sloth wakes up and tells you that if you rub some vitamin E into his scalp he will make it worth your while. After you finish, he teaches you a handshake which he promises will get you out of any speeding ticket.

As you pull up in front of the clinic, the sloth's hair begins falling out in clumps. He tells you that his electrolytes are low, and that you'll have to get him some Gatorade before he starts pissing blood.

The Black Elvis pulls into your driveway in a dented 1988 Caprice Classic. Stumbling as he walks up the driveway to meet you, he casually explains that "These couldn't be my shoes," because they're too thin, and "I don't wear red shoes."

The Black Elvis takes a folded paper out of his sock and asks you to read it to him because he forgot his glasses. When you explain to him that it is an eviction notice he accuses you of slandering his business and snatches the letter away.

Black Elvis takes you to a slot machine garage on the Indian reservation. After quickly losing ten dollars, he begins sifting through abandoned plastic buckets for "hot nickels."

You ask the Elvis for his E-Mail Address but he tells you that "the machine-box of a computer can fry a nut-sack," so he doesn't own one. He then tells you that he's the one who invented reverse dice (black with white spots).

Driving back from the slots, you ask the Elvis what he likes to do when he's not impersonating. He tells you that he loves doing squat-thrusts, and demonstrates his leg strength by kicking out the plastic bag which had served as a window.

As the Black Elvis squeals into your driveway, he tells you that you're a sweet kid, but not to call him anymore. You ask him why not, and he explains that he won't have a phone, because they also can "irradiate a nut-sack."