Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aries you fool; you crazy crazy fool! What were you thinking turning that thing on? You had no idea what that thing was or what it did, you only knew that it had been sitting in the subbasement of your grandfather's shop for at least forty years. You know, since he lost his job with the government. Maybe those doors were welded shut for a reason Aries, maybe to keep it safe from button-pressing fools? You might have thought about that, but no. Instead, there you are in incredible pain, merged on a cellular level with an iron door. Not to mention whatever those things were that came out of the energy rift are out there running around, and judging by what they did to the dog I would say there are going to be some problems. What can I say Aries? Hindsight is 20/20.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

"Mmmmm, just look at you sittin' there in that wheelchair wearing a tight robe and looking so very fine. Maybe I should come over there and lock those wheels into place so I can rock your world. That's right, baby, soon it will be just you, me and the glow from the Mother Mary candle." In case you were wondering Taurus, those are the thoughts of Barry; the Nursing Assistant assigned to your Grandmother. You might want to consider visiting Granny today, Taurus…Today.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

Hey Gemini, guess what? I just ordered a brand new computer for graphic design and video editing. As soon as I get it, I plan I designing a series of ads using Hitler as the pitchman for a product. That might seem odd to you, Gemini, but for some reason I have found Hitler really funny lately. I think it's the moustache; however, I could be wrong, and I haven't quite locked in on the root funny.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Cancer, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose and sometimes you wind up so far in debt with the Asian Mafia that you are having trouble explaining to your wife how you keep losing fingers. I do feel bad for you, because I was just as shocked about the Robert Blake verdict as you; of course I didn't bet five figures on it. I don't know what to tell you, Cancer, outside of "come up with that money fast or start learning how to feed yourself with your feet."

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo, Leo, Leo, everyone-and I do mean everyone-knows that is a hairpiece you are wearing. Did you actually walk out of the hair store with that thing thinking you looked good? Well if you did, that would mean you are a complete idiot. At least when you were bald you had the respect of friends and co-workers. Now you look like a used car salesman from a B-list '80s comedy. Leo, for the love of the Great Space Monkey take that thing off and just be bald.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

Virgo, Can you do me a favor and run over to Aries' grandfather's house and feed Aries a bowl of oatmeal? You will find him in the subbasement of the shop merged with the door. Yeah, merged, and it's kind of off-putting, but someone needs to feed him and I have a season finale to watch. Just feed him spoonfuls of the oatmeal until he starts crying because that means he is full. Thanks Virgo, and be sure to do while the sun is still up, don't worry about the dog, and do not touch the machine.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Hey Libra, want to hear a joke? OK, there's a priest, a Boy Scout leader, and an eight-year-old boy. That's it really; I couldn't think of a punch line that didn't involve anal rape. Now I'm just going to leave this right here and pretend I didn't write it.

Scorpio (October 23 - Nov 21)

Scorpio my dear friend, I saw your sister at work last night and told her to say hi for me. Actually, she was at work and I was just getting a lap dance. Remember when we were kids and she would always talk about being a dancer? Now she gets to live that dream and make a decent living to boot. Well, Scorpio, that's about it. I just wanted to say howdy to ya. Just do me a favor and ask your sis if she does outcalls, full service of course.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

How goes it there, Sag? Not too good, since your internet girlfriend turned out to be a couple of guys sharing a dorm room who made a very embarrassing website using all of those pictures you sent. I still don't know how you fit the remote up there; it must take an insane amount of selfless determination. Live and learn, Sagittarius, and you can go ahead and keep the cheese grater you borrowed from me, because it will never be clean again.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

Capricorn, you have to be up for work in four hours and here you are trying to finish something you've had days to work on. Maybe you should stop fucking procrastinating and get on the ball. Then again, wouldn't it be better to invent a time machine? Hell, you could sleep in everyday and always have time to wait until the last second to do stuff. It would be just like now except people wouldn't get pissed at you all the time. Well, there are other options but they can wait until tomorrow.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 19)

Hey Aquarius, just once would I like to stick my face between your giant breasts and make motorboat noises. I have other ideas, and they all seem to involve your fabulous boobs. Think about it, Aquarius, just your bodacious tatas and my infinite imagination coupled with my legitimate quest to advance boob science.

Pisces (February 20 - March 20)

Pisces, have you ever poured yourself a glass of tap water and as you were drinking it you realized that the water was cloudy with millions of little white particles? Do you think, "yeah this is giving me cancer," as you drink it? I do and still I drink another glass. Just one of those weird things, I guess, it's kind of like smoking except that you need water to live. Just a passing thought Pisces, nothing more. Smoke'em if you got'em, and get a Brita.