CRUISIN'
FOR A BRUISIN'
LAW
OFFICES OF GREENBERG GLUSKER FIELDS CLAMAN MACHTINGER
& KINSELLA LLP
BERTRAM
FIELDS
February
2, 2005
The
Beast
Gentlemen:
I
represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast"
contains false, defamatory and malicious assertions about
Mr. Cruise. They include the following:
(1)
That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly
false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead"
or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug
views are well known.
(2)
That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the
purpose of nailing them." This too is completely
false. Mr. Cruise has never cast any actress for that
purpose. He is dedicated and professional in his work.
He casts actresses based on their acting ability and fitness
for the role, nothing else.
To
publicly issue such absurdly false statements, without
the slightest basis in fact, manifests an extraordinary
level of malice and the complete absence of any sense
of journalistic ethics.
You
have made other false assertions about Mr. Cruise, such
as your juvenile ranting that he is an "asshole"
and is "loathsome." But, even though these assertions
are irresponsible and far from the truth, they may conceivably
be your opinions. If so, your reckless expression of such
opinions formed without the slightest knowledge on the
subject is reprehensible, even if not actionable.
The
false assertions numbered above, however, are not matters
of opinion. They are flat out, demonstrable lies. They
can cause serious personal and professional damage to
Mr. Cruise.
Without
limiting Mr. Cruise's rights or remedies in any way, I
must ask that you issue an immediate retraction of your
false assertions about him in language which I approve
on his behalf.
BERTRAM
FIELDS
cc:
Charles Shephard, Esq. E. Barry Haldeman, Esq.
Dear
Bertram,
We
categorically deny your slanderous allegations that our
characterizations of Mr. Cruise are groundless. Mr. Cruise
has been spotted on several occasions enjoying the sweet,
refreshing taste of Coca-Cola. He even helped direct a
commercial for the syrupy beverage, starring Penelope
Cruz, who, we might add, he became romantically involved
him following her being cast opposite him in Vanilla Sky.
Aside
from Ms. Cruz, Mr. Cruise also became romantically involved
with Nicole Kidman after her being cast opposite him in
the traumatically awful Days of Thunder. The story goes
similarly with Rebecca De Mornay after Risky Business,
and let’s not forget that tryst with the unicorn from
Legend.
We
apologize if we hurt Mr. Cruise’s feelings, but it may
help to know that not everyone here at the Beast thinks
so poorly of him. It is a well-known fact in the Beast
offices that our associate editor has a large poster of
a shirtless Cruise taped to the ceiling above his bed,
which he masturbates to vigorously on a regular basis.
You
know we could say more, Bertram; why not quit while you’re
ahead?
FULL
OF FUNNY SHIT
I
stumbled on to your site while doing a search on Ann Coulter
and read your 50
most loathesome people.
Although
I think whoever wrote these are full of shit, I have to
say it's the funniest stuff I've read in a long time.
I especially liked the merciless attacks against folks
all political persuasions.
I'm
still laughing my ass off and I just wanted to say THANKS
for the good time.
Neil,
Katy, TX
Dear
Neil,
So,
we’re full of shit, and you want to thank us? Ohh—you’re
from Texas. Now we understand.
BUT
HOW DO ASIAN RETIREES FEEL ABOUT IT?
This
evil pollster thanks you for the vigorous defense [“Playing
Down Brown,” issue #68]. Keep up the good (or
is it bad?) work.
John
Zogby
Dear
John,
We
told all our friends that we got a letter from John Zogby,
and their response was unanimous: “That’s cool. Who’s
John Zogby?” Dummies.
HEART
IN THE RIGHT PLACE
Hey
Allan,
I'm
just you're adverage over-skilled under-paid Buffalonian
and I fully support and endorse the Beast. I have a question
and I tought you might be the person to give me a straight
answer.
I
was wondering why I never see it in print (or in any media)
that this whole idea of privitizing social security is
just a scam not only set up so people will naturally invest
in Bush's buddies commpanies but so the CEO's can use
their own now available funds as their own investment
capital?
These
conicidentally of course are the same companies that have
all of those fat Iraqi (and beyond) contracts. Which
is funny because they're all taking a bath on security
at the moment. Save for the odd "our troops need
more armor" ploy to soak another couple billion (or
was it 10?) dollars out from anyone who might want to
do something peacefull with it. I have a hunch most of
that money didn't end up on the bottom of any truck.
At
first I thought no one talked about it because it was
so painfully obvious. But now it's just kind of annoying
to never hear a voice of reason on that topic.
-aw
Dear
AW,
Oh
come on, they wouldn’t do that, would they? Screw it;
we’re investing our beer money in Bechtel right now.
CAPTAIN
CAVEMAN
Dear
Evil Editors, Heartless Wastoids, and Clinically Depressed
Scumbags:
SCREWED
is a new Buffalo and Erie County group, dedicated to helping
those hardy souls willing to stay in this wonderful hellhole.
It stands for Stoic County Residents Enduring Wasteful
Erie Disbursement. I'm a founding member, and I'm extremely
excited about giving my livelihood to politicians and
other swine! Also, I drank five cups of very dark coffee
just this hour! Our goal here at SCREWED is to promote
the sale of area homes and businesses to large foreclosement
companies, local public agencies, and the federal Bureau
of Land Management, with the eventual goal of creating
a cave-based community of 500 to 1000 persons free of
all wasteful amenities such as roads, bridges, buildings,
and other products of human ingenuity. We hope you and
your readers will join us in our exciting new venture!
As
a thank-you bonus for new members, we will overnight you
your very own stone hand-axe, so you can start running
down and killing food today! And coming soon: the Hidey
Hole, our Orange Street clothing emporium, specializing
in deer-, muskrat-, sewer rat-, basement rat-, garbage
pile rat-, and crackhead-hide apparrel! Pre-order your
fitted muumuu today!
We
here at SCREWED would also like to add that resumes are
being accepted now for the editorship of our planned clay-tabloid,
the Spelunker-Express! We know that you BEAST boys, like
all other anthropomorphic life in the area, will soon
be needing jobs, so apply now! Pay negotiable and in
kind.
Peace,
love, and other bullshit, and as always, misanthropia,
Marcus
Gottsche, Director, SCREWED
Buffalo,
New York
Dear
Marcus,
Sign
us up. Do you take payment in mastodon hide?
EVERYONE’S
A CRITIC
Hi,
quite a vacuum you've got here [“50
Most Loathsome People,” issue #66]. Got solutions?
I mean, any freshman can write flippant, sarcastic tirades
against what's "wrong." What's hard is
writing something genuine and intelligent about how to
fix it.
You
pick easy targets and post stuff you pull out of your
butt; how about pulling out something useful. Got solutions?
By
"solutions," I don't mean pretentious ennui,
foam-at-mouth rage, or trite, puerile verdicts like "locked
in a room for eternity."
And
don't bother to proclaim that you're either above solutions
and genuine thinking, or you're so fllustered you can't
think clearly. Either way, you got nothing, dude(s). Donde
nohay cohones.
BTW
-- Jessica Simpson is no worse than the Buffalo Beast
Web site. Maybe better, since Jessica Simpson is
at least in on her own joke.
Or
are YOU cynical enough to believe you are exempt from
ugly truths?
Bye.
Catcher’s
Mitt
Dear
Mitt,
We’re
cynical enough to burn a hole through a budget proposal
with our eyes, but that’s not the point. The name
of the piece isn't "50 Best Solutions to America's
Problems." It’s typical of a complacent nincompoop
to angrily denounce people who point out problems by saying,
“but you don’t have any solutions,” as
if that means the problems don’t exist.
We
do, in fact, have a lot of ideas on how to make things
better (with the exception of Clay Aiken), although you'll
surely dismiss them as naive or unfeasable. Most important
would be to make corruption illegal again. Reestablish
the barrier between federal regulatory bodies and the
industries they purport to regulate. Educate our citizens
better. Reestablish the fairness doctrine. Real campaign
finance reform. Instant runoff voting. Hand counts. And
yes, raise taxes considerably on the wealthiest among
us.
Of
course, getting a congress which benefits directly from
the status quo to do any of these things is something
we have no idea how to accomplish with a two party system
and without informed voters. So the situation is pretty—loathsome.
But don't treat one silly article we threw off in an evening
as if it's our entire body of work.
You
really think Jessica Simpson is in on the joke?
Sirs,
In
re: "Now With More Letters From Dicks" (Sic,
Issue #68): I hadn't foreseen your devastating counterargument.
Touche. I stand corrected. However, out of curiosity,
I would like to inquire as to the dangling reference in
your concluding sentence: "In conclusion, suck it.
[sic]" What, precisely, does "it" refer
to?
I
fear that your problem may not simply be one of erudition
but precision as well. For example, if I were to say to
you, "Suck THIS, mofo" and then unzip my pants,
I think that you will precisely understand what I am saying
and the reference point of "THIS".
Precision
above all else, gentlemen. I am sure you will agree that
Donald Rumsfeld, as a man of some precision, would much
prefer that you critique a comment of his by saying, "Why
don't you shove a white-hot poker up your rectal sphincter?"
than with some vague remark about his dubious ancestry.
Warmest
regards, &tc,
Fast
Eddy
Dear
Eddy,
We
respectfully disagree that the pronoun “it” wasn’t descriptive
enough to indicate the implied direct object. While technically
“it” could refer to any object, we think it would be clear
to nearly anyone what we were referring to. In the interest
of concision, we elected to leave “it” to your
imagination, and it is clear from your letter that you
accurately took our meaning. So suck it.
CLAYNATION
BERATION
Re:
Clay Aiken
In
response to your response to Timothy, tenured professor
at Cornell who defended Clay Aiken [“sic,” issue #68]......now
that you mentioned it, why don't you release his photo
as threatened....would really love to meet an educated
fellow who isn't afraid to defend Clay. Obviously, he's
fully aware that Clay has graduated with a Special Education
degree, is now an Ambassador for the Eduation of Children
worldwide for UNICEF, heads his own Bubel-Aiken Foundation
devoted to the inclusion of disabled children with able
children and is soon to be a keynote speaker for a conference
for Fearless Caregivers in Florida April 16th. And, he's
also an awesome singer.
You
would be doing the Claynation a great honor to introduce
us to Timothy, a Claydawg in spirit and an intelligent
male, as well.
Way
to go, Timothy.
Re:
(Sic)..in general. If your vulgar comments are meant to
be entertaining, forgive me for not laughing. You are
really demonstrating the difference between yourself and
a classy fellow such as Timothy. Your comments really
are (Sic).
Ms.
Karen Cheyne, Red Deer Alberta Canada
Dear
Karen,
If
Scott Peterson donated money to charity, would that make
him a better husband?
MOTHERTUCKER
Thanks
for the Tucker Carlson piece penned by Matt Tiabbi [“Bowtie
Bondage, issue #68]. I especially enjoyed the
line about having his teeth kicked down an alley.
I
went to school with Tucker way back when. He was a sniveling
shit back then too. Wanna see an old yearbook picture?
He's wearing a grin that makes you just want to, well,
kick his teeth down an alley.
Thanks
for the smart writing. Keep it up.
Eric
Friedmann
Dear
Eric,
Of
course we want the yearbook picture, provided it is sufficiently
humiliating. If he complains, we can just beat him up.
Isn’t it kind of nice, though, to have a conservative
pundit who is even wussier than Al Franken?
NO
FLIP, JUST FLOP
Dear
Beast,
The
MSM has already decided how to spin Dean's appointment
as DNC chair: (1) Younger, grassroots Dems happy, because
they want to be more obnoxious and aggressive. (2) DC
Dems and "insiders" worried that Dean will destroy
their electoral chances. (3) And Republicans barely containing
their "glee" (the media uses that word over
and over again) at such a foolish choice as Dean, who's
too liberal, crazy, screamy, whatever, for Red America.
So
why is the MSM and conservative pundits like Novak and
Limbaugh going on and on about how dumb it was to choose
Dean? At first it was like, OK, token criticism. But
now it seems like they're genuinely upset about it. I
mean, if Republicans were smart -- and we must agree that
the GOP is smarter when it comes to political maneuvering
-- they would say nothing, or just, "Oh, smart choice,
guys! Man, we've got a fight on our hands now!... (he-he-he)."
But
Republicans aren't doing that. So, I gots me to thinkin,
and... I decided that the GOP really is scared of Dean.
Why else all this emotion and bitterness? My guess is
that they remembered how fired up he got Democrats during
the campaign, before the MSM and the limousine liberals
who steer the party decided to go with safe, bland, "electable"
Kerry.
That
the GOP is scared makes me think Dean is a good choice.
It's like, if Dracula is afraid of garlic, you wear a
garlic necklace. Dean is our garlic necklace: He may
be a little funky, but he's damn good for you, and he's
got the moral authority to brush back the Bushies.
Further
proof he's a good choice is that the ineffectual "leadership"
of the party like the DLC and Nancy Pelosi don't like
Dean, either.
So
if both Democrat and GOP leaders are against Dean, he
can't be all that bad. We should give this sceaming nutball
a chance.
Yours,
Jeff
Dear
Jeff,
Sure,
Dean is eloquent, and says intelligent things about not
letting Republicans frame the debate, and he is openly
critical of corporate influence in politics, and he makes
John Kerry look like…what he is, but—YEEARGH! Right? I
mean, YEEARGH! You hear me? He made a funny noise! YEEARGH!
How can you take the guy seriously? He’s obviously a crazy
rage-aholic nutbag! I mean, YEEARGH! Right? That never
gets old!
CLASSY
LADY
I
was hoping for funny loathsome people. They were lot funny
and you were loathsome.
PS
you are alfully consummed with ass-fucking..are you a
pinko faggot??
Nancy
Saylor
Dear
Nancy,
Learn
to spell, you ignorant piece of shit.
