Confused,

It is obvious that the branches in your dreams represent independent, non-Russian states hostile to the Bolsheviks, and clearly you mother’s desire to hatch quails is a testimonial to my defeat of the White Army at Tsaritsyn. The only way for you to rid yourself of this dream is to unearth the bones of Dora Kaplan, grind them into powder, and snort them through a rolled up five-ruble note on the tomb of Vladimir Lenin.

 

Dear Joe,

I had a dream that a giant meteorite was headed for earth, and that everyone was going to die. I got in my car and began speeding toward the Canadian Rockies for safety, when I noticed that a Charlie McCarthy ventriloquist dummy was riding shotgun. As we neared the mountains, my car struggled to climb the grade. That’s when Charlie unbuckled his seat belt and began tenderly rubbing the dashboard, saying "Come on you old bitch, just do it for Charlie." Just then, the meteor appeared on the horizon and I could see that Edgar Bergen was straddling it like a mechanical bull, trying not to spill his glass of brandy. What do you think it meant?

-Alarmed in Poinciana

Alarmed,

The Meteorite in your dream is a symbolic representation of the suicide of my second wife Nadezhda Alliluyeva. The ‘Dummy’ is clearly meant to represent Sergei Kirov, who paid dearly for his insolence. The struggling car in your dream is reminiscent of the non-aggression pact I signed with Adolph Hitler in 1939. Truly, your dream has given you much insight into my life, and I hope that some day you may join me on the other side, and together we will drink brewed mead from the skulls of the kulaks, and play Texas hold ‘em with these new translucent plastic cards I bought at Bed Bath and Beyond.

 

Dear Joe,

Recently I’ve had a dream where I was a contestant on ‘Family Feud’. Ray Combs asks me what people said was the most unusual place they’ve ever made whoopee, but I can’t think of an answer before the buzzer goes off. Suddenly, Ray disappears, and a large goose emerges from his crumpled suit and chases me around the set, while everyone laughs and applauds. Could this have anything to do with my aversion to commitment?

-Curious in Springfield

Curious,

I went to Hell to find Ray Combs, to see whether he might have some insight into your dream, but when I found him he was playing grab-ass with Quasay Hussein and

wouldn’t be disturbed. His house boy did inform me, however, that the ‘whoopee’ question was most commonly posed by another, more fearsome figure, which he called ‘Bob Eubanks.’ Perhaps this new wrinkle will shed some light on your dilemma. If not, I recommend a vigorous steam bath.

 

Dear Joe,

I had a very bizarre dream the other night, where I was cooking a fish when it leapt of the pan and bit me on the arm. I immediately looked at the wound, and it seemed to be in the shape of a letter ‘B’. What’s the significance?

-Bitten in Buffalo

Bitten,

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, build him a Bass-Pro and he will piss away countless afternoons trying to catch diseased walleye with overly complicated sonic lures and needlessly expensive high-tension polymer lines. The wound in your dream is actually a misshapen number 8. I have no idea what that means.

 

Dear Joe,

For a few weeks I’ve been having this dream where I’m clinging to the barnacles on the hull of a Merchant Marine ship in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly, a sea turtle appears and my dead grandfather is riding on its back. My Grandfather then curses at me in Macedonian, and flings his jacket at me before disappearing below the waves. As I inspect the jacket, I can see that he has sewn a recipe for Lepcha Bread into the lining. What could he be trying to tell me?

-Intrigued in Roswell

Intrigued,

If you are to take anything from this dream, it is to never underestimate the power of baked goods in bringing old foes together. Winston Churchill and Franklin D. Roosevelt would never have agreed to meet with me in Yalta had I not promised to bring Crossanwiches enough for everybody.

Have a dream that’s troubling you? Let Joseph Stalin help as he whiles away eternity….write to Joseph Stalin P.O. Box 3895763541537372625162737618172 Hell.