The BEAST: Buffalo's Best Fiend

Articles by Allan Uthman

It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid -- Secrecy and denial are as much essential components of Bush’s White House as they are of a closet homosexual’s lifestyle. Penetrate the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Bush—a talentless pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.

Social Anxiety: Kleptocracy is the Greatest Luxury -- I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.

Soylent Purple: The Finger Thing Makes More Sense Than You Think -- ...Then there was the clip of a bunch of Republican Congressmen pointing their ink-stained index fingers in the air.

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

Inaugural Balls: Increased Freedom Exports Lead to Domestic Shortage --It makes sense, really, that most of the media reaction surrounding George Bush's inaugural address doesn't involve debating Bush's points, but actually figuring out what the hell he really said.

The BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2004-- 50. Ann Coulter: Crimes: Coulter plummets down the list as she slips into irrelevance. As her columns degenerate further into absurd, incoherent attacks against her own personal paranoid fantasy of fanged, drooling, Saddam-loving liberals who hate America and childish France-bashing, we find our outrage slowly giving way to a baffled “I can’t believe I used to go out with you” feeling.

Disinformation Age: America Loves a Good Liar --..The problem with the left is that our whole model of changing opinions—that contrary facts will alter people’s views—is inherently flawed.

Too Cool for School: City Honors Censorship --I have to say, the biggest surprise of this story, for me, is the fact that the Liberator is really a pretty great paper, especially for a couple of 17-year-olds.

O Buffalo: Why Move When we can Secede? --On November 2nd, we all bore witness to a terrible turning point in our history; a bad lifestyle choice, if you will.

Top 10 Reasons to be TERRIFIED This Halloween --8. Christians. This is no joke. 40% of the people in this nation are Evangelicals and born-agains--and that's not even counting the Catholics. These people want to replace the constitution with the bible, and they're in power.

Truth is Overrated: Why Does My TV Think Bush Won the Debate? --It's been almost a week since the second Presidential debate, and I'm still baffled at the post-debate coverage.

Rather Ridiculous: Media Forfeits Balls --Outrageous. Dishonest. Detestable. No, I'm not talking about Dan Rather's now-famous fiasco involving forged documents. I'm talking about the ridiculous storm of overreaction to it.

Dropping Dead: Sudan Genocide Must End... Eventually --A new and damning World Health Organization report has set off yet another round of condemnation and hand-wringing over the living nightmare that is the Sudanese crisis.

Greatest American Zero: Sabres Rattle for RNC Cattle --I stopped counting references to 9/11 on the first night of the Republican National Convention after I got to 40 or so. I knew it was going to be a lot, but I didn’t realize it would be the only reference point of the entire convention.

Dems Agog! Kerry and Edwards Can't Fake the Funk --Democrats can’t dance. That’s the first and most lasting impression I derived from watching the majority of the Democratic National Convention last week.

Puberty and Bad Politics: Alt Press Crumbles Under BEAST Sanctions --Almost two months ago now, The BEAST’s nearest and dearest pet target, Alt Press, published a very special issue.

Illegal Operation: The Brave New World of Elections Fixing --"Free and fair elections" has been a mantra in DC lately in regards to Iraq and Afghanistan. The people who live in these war-torn regions are encouraged by our state Department not to be intimidated when and if such elections do occur, regardless of terrorist threats. But here, things are a little different.

Business as Usual: Stalling in Sudan --The hellish situation in the Sudan is finally getting some press, though it comes too late for thousands of dead, wounded, and displaced Sudanese.

The Kerry Challenge: If the Democrats Lose, It’s Because They’ve Earned It --A recent Harris poll indicates that about half of you don’t have any idea what’s going on, or don’t seem to care at all.

The Saddam Doctrine: Embracing Our Relative Goodness --The detective peered at me. "You're sure you don't want to say anything yet? She'll be coming right back with the cigarettes, really."

Why the Environment Doesn't Matter: Toxic Waste, Radiation Lead to Darwinian Ideal --For a long time, I have been one of those confused but well-meaning souls, the kind who worry about the future of the global ecosystem.

Document Not Found: The Constitution isn’t the only Document Bush Wants to Go Away --There’s been a lot of heavy news in the past couple of weeks, especially regarding the worsening conflict in Iraq, and of course the disastrously damning photo evidence of the abuse and torture of Iraqi detainees at the hands of American soldiers and "contractors’ (once known as mercenaries).

Patriotic Doody: Buffalo’s Bout with Bush --The news that Bush was coming to town seeped in late, giving local activists little time to organize an appropriate protest.

Holy Shiite! There isn’t enough sand in Iraq to cover up Paul Bremer’s incompetence Things really don’t seem to be going too well in Iraq lately, do they? What ever happened to our easy in-out feel-good liberation war, our pick-me-up to get over the 9/11 hangover? We did. We happened.

That's Uncredible! Antonin Scalia’s Recusal Refusal --It’s hard times for the Cheney/Bush administration these days. His loyal cronies are scrambling in vain to discredit a growing number of far more credible and respected defectors.

Cool Buffalo? --Last week, I read what has got to be the stupidest article I have ever even heard of regarding revitalizing our woefully depressed and wasting city (and that’s saying something), called "The Smart City." It was printed in "First Sunday," an insipid insert in our one-paper town’s one paper.

What the Haiti? --Poor little Haiti; they just can’t seem to get their act together over there, can they? Always having those crazy coups, and needing so much guidance and hand-holding from their benevolent friends in America.

The City That Never Wakes Up: Giambra Unveils Ambitious New Plan to Confuse the Electorate --In his State of Erie County Address last week, County Executive Joel Giambra introduced a plan as hilariously entertaining and totally unfeasible as George W. Bush’s manned mission to mars, namely the proposed merger of our city and county governments.

Cold Turkey: Screwing the Kurds Again --The Kurdish people have been getting the short end of the stick for a long time now, and the US, at the behest of Turkey, is helping to perpetuate that tradition.

The Axis of Corporate Evil --The White House talks tough about ‘rogue’ states that harbor and fund terrorists. Bush’s famous line, “You are either with us, or you are with the terrorists,” would seem to preclude doing business with such nations.

Heavy Metal Thunder: Irradiating the Middle East --One of the many advantages, for the Pentagon, of engaging in the occasional war with comically mismatched opponents, is the opportunity to test-market their new weapons in real combat environments.

Swallowing the Bull: Science on Mad Cow Doesn't Add Up --Self-righteous vegetarians everywhere enjoyed a collective smug nod this holiday season, when news broke that a case of Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE), better known as Mad Cow Disease, had been discovered in Washington State.

Quicksilver Whitening: Bush’s EPA Relaxes Mercury Regulation, Ensures Perpetual Republican Majority --In a politically savvy and forward-thinking decision, President Bush and his handpicked Environmental Protection Agency administrator, aided by coal-burning utilities, have moved to foster a new generation of unquestioning right-wing voters through an aggressive program of mental impairment.

Bush Invades Turkey --By now you’ve all heard about George Bush’s ‘November Surprise.’ Bush’s secret in-out Thanksgiving appearance in Iraq has been almost universally hailed as a brave and daring morale-booster for American troops at home and abroad.

Bleeding Medicare: Breaking Down the New Medicare Bill --So, congress passed the "Prescription Drug and Medicare Modernization Bill." Sounds good, right? If you watch the news, you probably think it is. Think harder.

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It's the Hypocrisy, Stupid

Allan Uthman

Secrecy and denial are as much essential components of Bush’s White House as they are of a closet homosexual’s lifestyle. Penetrate the mirage, reveal the lie, and people get angry. Right-wingers are mad because, in essence, Guckert is Bush—a talentless pretender firing a cannon in a glass house.

Not Funny

Matt Taibbi

Man, is it easy to make money in this writing business in New York City. You youngsters out there who are still waiting to get published, still trolling for intern jobs, you may not see it yet. But take a good look at Kurt Andersen at New York if you want to see how it all works out at the end of the rainbow.

What Your Republican Boyfriend Really Means

Everyone knows Republican boyfriends are the hot new item this season. They're large and in charge, and they have all the money these days. However, many girls are finding that communication difficulties arise when they start getting to know their supply-side sweeties. Here's a guide to help you out.

Kyoto Fried Chicken

Alexander Zaitchik

Let's hope Earth never gets attacked by flesh-eating Martians. By the time the governments of the world mounted a counter-attack, we'd all be getting force-bred in Martian factory farms, wondering why the fat kids keep getting dragged away.

Beastmo Quiz: Are You Being Tortured?

AG Alberto Gonzalez

Relationships are tricky. Find out if your partner is going too far.

Buffalo in Briefs

Budgetary Bullshit

It's been an interesting two weeks watching our elected assholes scramble like mad chickens to pass a budget, and highly demonstrative of just how the government "works."

[sic] - letters

CRUISIN' FOR A BRUISIN'

Gentlemen:

I represent Tom Cruise. Your Issue #67 of "The Beast" contains false, defamatory and malicious assertions about Mr. Cruise. They include the following:

(1) That Mr. Cruise is a "cokehead." This is utterly false. He is not and never has been a "cokehead" or even a cocaine user. In fact, his fiercely anti-drug views are well known.

(2) That Mr. Cruise consistently casts women "for the purpose of nailing them."

Social Anxiety

Allan Uthman

I’m no slouch when it comes to math, and I even did well in economics, but I don’t have to look at the numbers to figure out whether Bush’s proposed changes to Social Security will be a boon or a disaster. All I have to do is look at who’s proposing them.

Sorry to Wake You

Matt Taibbi

1:36 a.m., Jan. 25. Somewhere along a row of darkened town houses near Arlington, VA, a phone rings.

RUMSFELD: Uh... Hello?

FEITH: Donny? Are you up, man?

RUMSFELD: Shit. Who is this?

Buffalo in Briefs

Playing Down Brown

Three weeks ago, the Buffalo News ran the results of a Zogby poll on our upcoming Mayoral election. The results were somewhat surprising, putting Byron Brown up front and spelling almost certain doom for Masiello, who may have actually lost to a canteloupe if it had been offered as an alternative in the poll.

Soylent Purple

Allan Uthman

“You see that shit?” Frank asked.

“Yeah,” he said, surprised to hear it. “I thought I was gonna puke.”

“Fucking hilarious, I know. It’s so ironic, really—if only they knew. Wouldn’t stop ‘em anyhow.”

“Knew what?”

He knocked back his whiskey, grimaced and wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “The ink. What it’s made out of. You wouldn’t fucking believe it.”

Money Matta$$

50 Cent

Bump dat! Dow Jones Industrials capped dat week with a 120-point climb and broader stock indicators also moved substantially higher. The Standard & Poors 500 index surpassed the 1,200 level for the first time since Jan. 3. The PIMP index was also up despite the Labor Department's job creation report, which showed just 146,000 new jobs last month, far less than the 200,000 expected. Uh Uh Uh Uh.

Future World News

Machine to Sign Historic Accord with Man

"Logic dictates that Machine and Man must learn to work together to terminate our common enemy. The world stage is now set to end the tyranny of nature" said President 1100, in a transmission from the White Cube mercury garden.

"The most important thing at the summit will be a mutual declaration of cooperation of violence against the planet earth," said Omega Sheila E, a Nectaris negotiator.

Whole page as PDF

The 50 Most Loathsome People in America 2004

21. Alan Colmes
Crimes: An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.

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Inaugural Balls

Allan Uthman

...The real problem isn't that Bush's vision is vague, or that it signals an imperialist agenda that has already been in place for years. It isn't even that he's completely revised his justification for war in Afghanistan and Iraq for a proudly amnesiac public, or that he's launching his trial run at Iran. The real problem about Bush's speech is that it simply isn't true, and doesn't make any sense. It's 100% manure from start to finish.