50.
Ann Coulter
Crimes:
Coulter plummets down the list as she slips into irrelevance.
As her columns degenerate further into absurd, incoherent
attacks against her own personal paranoid fantasy of fanged,
drooling, Saddam-loving liberals who hate America and childish
France-bashing, we find our outrage slowly giving way to
a baffled “I can’t believe I used to go out with you” feeling.
Her arguments are ridiculous, her vitriol forced, her hatchet
face even harder to look at. Still, she insulted a one-armed
war veteran, called reports of the hundreds of tons of missing
munitions in Iraq false, claimed Wesley Clark was pro-infanticide,
and blamed Abu Ghraib on the presence of women in the armed
forces—they’re not all like you, Ann—and on and on. It’s
just not worth debunking someone who has no credibility
in the first place.
Smoking
Gun: Has credibility in the minds of more people than
we can stomach acknowledging.
Punishment:
Skull crushed with rock.
49.
Clay Aiken
Crimes:
Rode to stardom on a racist backlash after his failure to
win “American Idol.” Brings false hope to pre-teens that
they will meet a nice clean boy who won’t take advantage
of them. Befouls airwaves with his vile dreck, which makes
us long for the days of Shaun Cassidy.
Smoking
Gun: Was one of two people on this list to do a duet
with the rolling corpse of Bing Crosby for a Christmas special.
Put himself in the role of David Bowie.
Punishment:
Hydrochloric acid martini.
48.
Scott McClellan
Crimes:
Completely hollow. Able to regurgitate any message programmed
into him without regard to its validity or internal logic.
A human void, capable of sapping the virtue away from the
most idealistic reporter within three jokey, familiar, stonewalling
press conferences.
Smoking
Gun: Hasn’t killed himself.
Punishment:
Locked in a room for eternity with a camera that sprays
spitting cobra venom in his eyes every time he speaks.
47.
50 Cent
Crimes:
Sole credential for being a rapper, aside from his affiliation
with Dr. Dre, is having been shot several times. Spent his
first record company advance on crack to sell. Can barely
talk, let alone rap. Represents the worst aspect of urban
culture, its tendency to collapse in on itself in an orgy
of mobsterism and self-destructive spending. Obnoxious tendency
to pull out large wads of cash and wave them around in people’s
faces (not a figure of speech).
Smoking
Gun: Ugliest rapper to make it since Biggie.
Punishment:
Getting his ass kicked by Will Smith.
46.
Colin Quinn
Crimes:
Least funny SNL alum since Joe Piscopo (at least
Tim Meadows can speak English). Blamed cancellation of his
awful show on reverse racism, ignoring his pathetic ratings,
stumbling speech and the fact that his entire C-list entourage
couldn’t beat Pamela Anderson at Trivial Pursuit.
Smoking
Gun: Pontificated at length on the nature of comedy
in Seinfeld’s yawn-fest Comedian.
Punishment:
Stash of white supremacist literature and nun-porn discovered
in high profile cocaine bust.
45.
John McCain:
Crimes:
Survived years of torture in Vietnam only to become a bend
over buddy for a sheltered rich dunce. McCain could have
bolstered his largely unearned air of credibility this year
had he stood against Bush, but instead chose to show us
all that that no principle is too fundamental to humanity
to be overlooked in the name of party loyalty. We can only
hope that they’ve got something on him, something big.
Smoking
Gun: Returned to criticizing Bush as soon as it didn’t
matter anymore.
Punishment:
Vice President under Rumsfeld.
44.
Ellen Degeneres
Crimes:
Turns out to be the most boring comedian, gay or straight,
since…ever. Her Seinfeld on Quaaludes routine isn’t just
tedious; it’s harrowing—watching her belabor a gag that
wasn’t funny in the first place about opening a jar of pickles
for minutes is enough to make anybody groan. Her cookie
cutter talk show succeeds for the simple reason that, beyond
the gay thing, viewers know that Ellen will always be nice
and won’t let any negative information invade their fragile
minds. If Degeneres were a straight man, she’d be getting
booed off the stage at a tiny club in Scranton right about
now.
Smoking
Gun: Tolerated Anne Heche.
Punishment:
Ten years as writer for “Mad TV."
43.
Tony Blankley
Crimes:
Editorial page editor for the Washington Times, the
Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s religiofascist newsletter and
the Bush Administration’s favorite morning read. Thinks
the UN Oil for Food scandal warrants more attention than
a White House full of war criminals. Had the gall to attack
George Soros because “[h]e said that he has no moral responsibility
for the consequences of his financial actions,” when that
is clearly a moral loophole embraced by all free market
zealots such as Blankley, and went on to attack him for
being “a self-admitted atheist” and “a Jew who figured out
a way to survive the Holocaust.” Refers to Donald Rumsfeld
as “brilliant.” His paper has lost a billion dollars and
sells one paper for every seven Washington Posts,
but is in no jeopardy because of lavish funding as the psy-ops
arm of Moon’s Unification Church.
Smoking
Gun: Ended his final column of the year like this: “Americans
are standing upright, their strong arms uplifted against
the barbarians.” A shameless, taint-licking propagandist.
Punishment:
Very slowly lowered into meat grinder.
42.
Jenna Jameson
Crimes:
The first best-selling author who could be sodomized with
a well-thrown baseball since Truman Capote. Her newfound
mainstream legitimacy as an icon of America’s freakish love
for porn is directly related to her former incarnation as
the best blowjob of the ‘90s.
Smoking
Gun: Now only does scenes with boring phony-lesbos…and
her husband. Real hot.
Punishment:
The inevitable attention-vacuum which will envelop her the
second any part of her body begins to sag perceptibly.
41.
Everyone who got together to watch the final episode of
“Friends”
Crimes:
Allowing a trivial sitcom about living in New York, made
for people who’ve never been anywhere near New York, to
become a focal point in their shallow, meaningless lives.
Watching TV together is not a bonding experience; it is
a distancing experience, a way in which people can cohabit
a room without actually having to engage each other or connect
personally. Whoever’s ultimately responsible for the “watch
‘Friends’ or the terrorists win” meme should have a special
room reserved for him in the bad section of hell.
Smoking
Gun: You probably liked the whole Niles and Daphne thing
on “Frazier,” too.
Punishment:
A full year of plodding BBC Documentaries.
40.
Laura Bush
Crimes:
Oh the first lady, what an inspiration she must be to android
researchers everywhere. Smile, nod, smile, (look interested)
nod, put on $50,000 dress, suck off the president and there
you have a typical day for the first lady. Corporate yes-wives
like her will hasten the coming of mandated burkas for American
women. Actually looks related to George, which might explain
their mongoloid children.
Smoking
Gun: She married George Bush.
Punishment:
Chugging a gallon of stem cells on Fear Factor.
39.
Tom Cruise
Crimes:
Inexplicable stardom. In a just world, Brendan Fraser would
get an Oscar before this carbon copy of every other rich
asshole cokehead with a fast car. Consistently influential
in casting women in his movie for the sole purpose of nailing
them. Extremely convincing when he plays an ambitious, superficial
prick.
Smoking
Gun: Always plays an ambitious, superficial prick.
Punishment:
Caught in the act with Vin Diesel.
38.
Toby Keith
Crimes:
The worst kind of proud-to-be-brainwashed dolt, one who
feels he should express himself. The fact that this ambulatory
hamburger’s opinions were ever given public forum is an
indictment of our entire civilization and all human history
leading up to this point.
Smoking
Gun: Plays country music.
Punishment:
Impaled on improperly installed American flag attached to
tractor-trailer, dragged for 12 hours, eaten by wolves.
37.
Halle Berry
Crimes:
Chooses projects on the basis of how opportunistic they
are in exploiting her body. Followed her sweaty fuckfest
in Die Another Day with the worthless atrocity Catwoman.
Her tearful 2002 Oscar acceptance speech for Monster’s
Ball (which also included a fevered humping scene) put
her in competition with Barbara Streisand for the title
of most self-important woman in Hollywood.
Smoking
Gun: Every role she takes will be hailed as another
milestone in civil rights history by virtue of her barely
discernible smattering of African DNA, when in reality her
success only underscores our nation’s incapacity to accept
a truly black actress.
Punishment:
Reduced to skin care infomercial endorsement.
36.
Stephen Moore
Crimes:
President of voodoo economics PAC the Club for Growth and
frequent Republican whipping boy on HBO’s “Real Time with
Bill Maher,” Moore actually snivels visibly. Follows every
evil statement with a pussified “just kidding—sort of” laugh
and shriveling “please don’t hurt me” body language. May
be the least original thinker of all supply side policy
drones.
Smoking
Gun: Missing out on the heart and soul of what’s fun
about being Republican, freedom from self-consciousness
and doubt.
Punishment:
Smacked to death by Richard Belzer.
35.
Matt Sharp
Crimes:
Creator of VH1’s celebration of undeserved wealth and morbid
excess, “The Fabulous Life,” the bastard ghetto child of
“Lifestyles of the Rich And Famous,” complete with Robin
Leach-impersonating voiceovers. His morally bankrupt show
serves as a who’s-who of prime targets for public execution,
entertaining bloated, brand-conscious meatbags with the
details of how sinfully rich celebrities squander their
undeserved fortunes. Sharp knows his audience; you can tell
by the hilarious elementary mathematical breakdowns he offers
his viewers at the end of the show when he reveals how much
money his subject is actually worth (“Britney could buy
50,000 rare Gorilla-foot handbags and still have enough
left over to occupy Syria!”). The celebratory, awed tone
with which his show informs us that Lil’ Kim has crushed
$100 bills put into her nail polish, or that you could feed
your family for a year on what J-Lo spends to get her eyebrows
done, makes us wish we could burn such criminals with our
minds.
Smoking
Gun: Your girlfriend loves this show.
Punishment:
Pureed and made into face cream for Lindsay Lohan.
34.
Clarence Thomas
Crimes:
On the wrong side of every Supreme Court decision since
he got the job carrying Scalia’s golf clubs.
Smoking
Gun: Angry black man routine during Anita Hill hearings
was the most forced overacting this side of Keanu Reeves’
tantrum in Johnny Mnemonic.
Punishment:
Led out of the Court in chains after inadvertently casting
the deciding vote to reinstitute slavery.
32.
Lynndie England
Crimes:
The ultimate “ugly American,” England represents everything
people hate about us—ignorance, perversion, racism, and
denial. The most authentic trailer trash to enter the public
spotlight since Anna Nicole, complete with illegitimate
baby by an abusive ex-boyfriend and experience in the meat
processing industry. Described by her no doubt horrific
mother as having been “in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
Smoking
Gun: The pictures, duh.
Punishment:
Gang-raped and devoured alive by all of the hysterical Republican
pundits who defended her.
31.
Al From
Crimes:
Founder and CEO of the detestable Democratic Leadership
Council, the lead organization for the “if you can’t beat
‘em, join ‘em” wing of the Democratic Party. From’s appeasement
strategies have lead directly to tragic losses in the last
three elections. Responsible for the inability of serious
people to fully respect the Democratic Party.
Smoking
Gun: Said Dean couldn’t win; backed Joe Lieberman.
Punishment:
President Nader.
30.
Jim Lehrer
Crimes:
The nauseating host of the “liberal” PBS program “The News
Hour” never hesitates to show his fealty to our business
and government overlords. When independent journalist Christian
Parenti appeared on “News Hour” upon his return from Iraq,
he had the temerity to link the instability in Iraq to America’s
failure to implement even half-hearted reconstruction. “There
still isn't adequate electricity…there wasn't adequate water.
Where is all the money that’s going to Halliburton and Bechtel
to rebuild this country, where is it ending up? And I think
that is one of the most important, fundamental causes of
instability, the corruption around the contracting with
these Bush-connected firms in Iraq…” Two days later, the
spineless Leher apologized to his viewers for Parenti’s
informed, reasonable opinion, telling us the “…discussion
about Iraq ended up not being as balanced as is our standard
practice. While unintentional, it was indeed our mistake
and we regret it.” Balanced. There’s that word again. Leher
has never apologized for any of the lunatic horseshit coming
out of administration apologists on a daily basis.
Smoking
Gun: His services as the sycophantic moderator of presidential
debates in 2000 and 2004 wherein he may as well have been
blowing kisses at the candidates, serve to legitimize the
weak, non-combative debate format the two parties cooked
up.
Punishment:
Embedded with the 3rd Marine Battalion in Fallujah, where
liberal-hating grunts will use him as sniper bait.
29.
Michael Savage
Crimes:
Will say anything to get attention, and then say the opposite
for the same reason. Thinks revealing his inner xenophobe
makes him some kind of rock star. Learned everything he
knows about world politics from Archie Bunker. Said this:
“When you hear ‘human rights,’ think gays. When you hear
‘human rights,’ think only one thing: someone who wants
to rape your son. And you'll get it just right. OK, you
got it, right? When you hear ‘human rights,’ think only
someone who wants to molest your son, and send you to jail
if you defend him.”
Smoking
Gun: Real name is Michael Weiner.
Punishment:
Ass-raped to death.
28.
Ben Affleck
Crimes:
His uncanny ability to produce an unending stream of shitty
movies and still get work rivals that of even Kevin Costner.
Has coasted for years on a reputation built largely on a
former association with Matt Damon, but has done nothing
to justify his star status aside from boning Jennifer Lopez.
Gigli was the cinematic equivalent of the Madrid
bombings.
Smoking
Gun: CGI scenes in Daredevil were more lifelike
than his oafish live action.
Punishment:
Reunited with J-Lo.
27.
Bob Novak
Crimes:
Beats even Scott McClellan as Bush’s most unholy mouthpiece.
Virulently protecting the Bush administration in order to
further his own career. Novak didn’t think twice when instructed
to reveal the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame in order
to get back at her critical husband, Joe Wilson, yet he
now claims it would be morally wrong to reveal the treasonous
White House leaker. Indirectly caused the incarceration
of Judith Miller of the New York Times, who should be in
jail on totally separate charges involving her poorly researched
WMD hysterics leading up to the war in Iraq.
Smoking
Gun: Still insists the Swift Boat Veterans ads and their
libelicious spin-off book, Unfit for Command, was
“well-documented” and didn’t contain any lies.
Punishment:
Heart harvested in preparation for Dick Cheney’s presidential
bid.
26.
Terry McAuliffe
Crimes:
Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. Said, "This
is the best election night in history" on November
2, 2004, just before 8pm EST. Not only presided over the
pathetic Kerry defeat, but held the same position in the
2000 fiasco. A driving force in the Republicanization of
Democrats, he personally saw to it that the charismatic
Dean campaign was crushed to make way for Kerrybot. Doesn’t
understand that winning is not necessarily about copying
what winners do, but more often not doing what losers do.
Punishment:
Hillary Clinton as a cellmate for life.
Smoking
Gun: Said the party will spend "whatever it takes"
to study complaints from Ohio voters that included uncounted
votes, long lines, shortages of ballots, understaffed polling
stations and voting machine errors. Still studying, apparently.
25.
Dr. Phil
Crimes:
Not a doctor. Not wise. Offers troubled souls nothing but
the sweet feeling of surrendering control. Only reason for
prominence is that Oprah just couldn’t support her show
by herself anymore. Offers troubled simpletons meaningless
slogans that resonate for a maximum of five days before
they realize they already knew that shit and they still
can’t stop whatever compulsive behavior got them onto his
show in the first place. Is almost certainly regularly involved
in some unspeakable depravity that he can’t stop and which
caused him to fabricate his public persona in a frantic
attempt to convince us he’s normal.
Smoking
Gun: Both presidential candidates were forced to submit
to his pedantic bullshit in some bizarre new soft focus
emasculation ritual to get slack-jawed housewives to vote
for them.
Punishment:
A lifetime of guest spots on Springer.
24.
Ronald Reagan
Crimes:
The greatest monster in recent American history. Reagan’s
excruciating sanctification during his agonizingly protracted
funeral was enough to make anyone with knowledge of his
true legacy blow up a radio tower. Newspaper columnists
performed astonishing feats of selective memory in canonizing
Reagan, disregarding any inconvenient evidence of supporting
terrorism, ripping off taxpayers for outrageous defense
programs, or introducing crack cocaine to America, because
we need our heroes.
Smoking
Gun: Responsible for telemarketing and infomercials.
Punishment:
Reanimated and killed again.
23.
Jerry Bruckheimer
Crimes:
“Producer” really just means “guy with the money” in Hollywood.
Master of the incoherent action sequence, full of unnecessary
cuts and jittery close-ups. His rapidly multiplying CBS
cop show empire is replete with ridiculously beautiful cops
and scientists (and murderers and victims and witnesses)
and impossibly stylish interiors. The “CSI” franchise perfectly
fulfills the viewing needs of a fat, lazy nation: no running,
no car chases, just sitting around, talking, and playing
with gadgets. The real crimes, however, are the movies,
including Kangaroo Jack, Coyote Ugly, Bad Boys, Bad Boys
2, Days of Thunder, Gone in 60 Seconds, and the so-stupid-it’s-funny
Armageddon. Imagine what else could have been done
with that money.
Smoking
Gun: Who brings a fucking Gatling gun to an asteroid?
Punishment:
Made into shoes for Martin Scorsese.
22.
Michael Jackson
Crimes:
Surgically transforming himself into a ghastly artificial
creature, and then forcing himself on little boys. His ability
to remain at large and to find parents still willing to
let their kids sleep over at Jackson’s elaborate child trap
both indicate a failure of our species as a whole.
Smoking
Gun: “Jesus juice?”
Punishment:
Forced to record and release new single as part of plea
agreement, “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down on Me.”
21.
Alan Colmes
Crimes:
An angry conservative’s wet dream: an effete liberal dive
artist. As a professional doormat, Colmes’ only tasks are
to serve as a comforting aggregate of Republican stereotypes
about Democrats and a target for the seething derision of
his psychotic guests. Stands idly by while voracious green-blooded
co-host utilizes Gestapo tactics against centrist Democrats.
Smoking
Gun: His cringe-inducing new book reads like a crappy
internet parody ("I'm proud to be a liberal. In my
spare time I hug trees. I'd rather hug a tree than embrace
a tax cut… Ever try to hug a tax rebate check? Bark burn
is so much more pleasant than paper cuts.")
Punishment:
Suffocated under a naked, sweaty Rush Limbaugh.
20.
Anna Nicole Smith
Crimes:
Continues to find ways to damage the fabric of society with
her very presence. In 2004 she rapidly transformed from
a washed up, sedated blimp to a washed up, sedated hooker,
thanks to some pill-marketing scam brought to us by a paralyzed
FDA and a hard drug addiction. Has grown more incoherent
with every lost pound, to the point that she is like some
tawdry copy of a pre-death Marylyn Monroe without any Arthur
Miller to suppress her. Lost her money, but still worships
at the altar of attention—any kind of attention, at any
cost.
Smoking
Gun: Volleyball-sized breast implants just aren’t attractive.
Punishment:
Electrocuted at climax by Bill Clinton’s pacemaker.
19.
Zell Miller
Crimes:
Part Yosemite Sam and Part Foghorn Leghorn. Miller doesn’t
make the list for his salivating, traitorous keynote speech
at the Republican National Convention, or even the duel
thing with Chris Matthews. He makes the list because he
really does represent Southern Democrats. Miller was chief
of staff for diehard racist Georgia Governor Lester Maddox,
who used to own a restaurant where he’d hand out pick handles
to his customers to beat any black people that might try
to come in. The Democratic party really isn’t the party
he once knew—thank God.
Smoking
Gun: Won’t switch parties, just to be a pain in the
ass.
Punishment:
Death by torrential barrage of spitballs while watching
his granddaughter make out with Big Pun.
18.
Mel Gibson
Crimes:
As with any religious nut, expects people to take his delusional
bullshit seriously. Is obsessed with pain and suffering,
as can be observed in the numerous Hulk Hogan style “now
I’m really mad” scenes in nearly all of his movies, in which
he endures medically impossible levels of bodily punishment
before rising to vanquish his cartoonish foes. This is such
a routine motif in Gibson’s work that we half expected Jesus
to jump off the cross and start kicking Jewish ass in The
Passion of the Christ. More historically revisionist
than Oliver Stone.
Smoking
Gun: Shot about 11 times in the climax of Lethal
Weapon II, yet still saunters off with his partner as
the credits roll, apparently not in need of medical attention.
Punishment:
Neurodegenerative illness that could have been cured through
stem cell research.
17.
Armstrong Williams
Crimes:
Williams was going to make the list anyway, but shoots up
several positions since he admitted to accepting $240,000
from the Department of Education to promote the No Child
Left Behind Act. His sole defense so far is that he used
“bad judgment,” as if that was some kind of excuse, rather
than the heart and soul of every crime. Says he is just
the tip of the iceberg.
Smoking
Gun: Claimed to a prospective job applicant that 70%
of gay couples molest their children.
Punishment:
Full Birth Abortion.
16.
Nicole Richie
Crimes:
Wasting space in our minds. Not being pretty, talented or
interesting, yet expecting people beyond her family to pay
attention to her. Further indoctrinating teenage girls with
the poisonous idea that if they just act like obnoxious,
spoiled bitches they will somehow never have to work.
Smoking
Gun: Made 27 on Maxim’s Hot 100 for standing
next to national disgrace Paris Hilton for a year.
Punishment:
10-page pictorial in Stuff sans airbrushing, and
no Oxycontin for a whole week.
15.
Condoleezza Rice
Crimes:
The phrase “politics is show business for ugly people” has
never had so fine a foil. Smirks condescendingly at senior
Senators when they ask her silly questions about gross negligence
in the area of national security. Winner of the Beast award
for most likely to make Grover Norquist’s dick hard. Promoted
for feverishly licking Cheney’s boot for four years.
Smoking
Gun: Gets to sleep in the big house now.
Punishment:
thrown into the arctic from the Exxon oil tanker that used
to bear her name.
14.
Tom Delay
Crimes:
The worst Congressman alive. Being the most corrupt member
of the House is a hell of an achievement. Delay is so brazen
even lobbyists have expressed reservations. Compares the
pathetic, castrated EPA to the Gestapo. A self-obsessed
misanthrope in the guise of a Christian.
Smoking
Gun: According to Danny Yatom, former head of Israel’s
feared Mossad: "The Likud is nothing compared to this
guy."
Punishment:
Outed by Barney Frank.
13.
Joan Rivers
Crimes:
The most ghastly face science has managed to create without
the use of chemical weapons. As a pioneer in facial reconstruction,
she shows us that, in the future, every famous woman will
gradually turn into a cross between a sickly geisha and
the Joker. The red carpet fashion-cop shtick she does with
her broken, spiritless daughter is such an obvious inferiority
complex manifestation we almost feel sorry for them, until
we remember they’re making millions of dollars for it.
Smoking
Gun: The sheer, ugly self-hatred of a woman with that
face, that voice, and that personality nitpicking Nicole
Kidman.
Punishment:
Face falls off into wet cement at Mann’s Chinese Theatre.
12.
Paul Wolfowitz
Crimes:
The mastermind behind our war plan in Iraq, also known as
“Operation Fucking Disaster.” Wanted to skip Afghanistan
altogether and get right on with the intractable quagmire
phase of his anti-terror plan. So far up Israel’s ass he
can taste the kugel.
Smoking
Gun: That disgusting thing he did with his comb in Fahrenheit
9/11.
Punishment:
A successful populist democracy in Iraq.
11.
Dan Rather
Crimes:
Along with Cronkite’s so-bonkers-it-might-be-true comment
that Karl Rove must be behind Osama bin Laden’s timely October
video release, has given the rabid right enough fuel to
maintain their bogus “liberal media” charge for years.
Smoking
Gun: Made Peter Jennings the most credible anchor in
the business.
Punishment:
Life sentence as the liberal
whipping boy on “Hardball with Chris Matthews.”
10.
John Negroponte
Crimes:
US Pro Consul (a title that was given to de facto rulers
of dependencies or occupied countries in colonial times)
of Iraq. Garnered his reputation as professional thug with
his assignment as ambassador to Honduras by Ronald Reagan
in 1981. Collaborated with the Honduran military while lying
to Congress as they kidnapped, tortured and killed hundreds
of people, including US missionaries. Was responsible for
implementing the Reagan administration covert strategy
to crush the Sandinista government in Nicaragua, resulting
in it becoming 2nd to Haiti as poorest country in the western
hemisphere but with the special distinction of having the
largest disparity between rich and poor. Appears to be carrying
out the same plan in Iraq, as recent disclosures about the
Pentagon's plans to utilize death squads to achieve our
kind of democracy indicate.
Smoking
Gun: As Iraqi occupation grew bleaker from the start
of 2004 a new tactic was employed, assassinating intellectuals
opposed to the occupation. A senior commander working for
the American-installed Iraqi police said "They are
politicians that are backed by the Americans and who arrived
to Iraq from exile with a list of their enemies. I've seen
these lists. They are killing people one by one." Sounds
like a job for Negroponte; he went from appointment to confirmation
in a blistering eight days.
Punishment:
Being skinned alive would be a nice start.
9.
Jessica Simpson
Crimes:
The gleaming flagship of the triumphant return of bimboism.
The aesthetic equivalent of vitamin D milk. Makes Britney
Spears look like a Rhodes scholar. Managed to crap out a
hit single by removing every remotely innovative element
from Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away.”
Smoking
Gun: Probably likes her own music.
Punishment:
Strapped to bunker-buster.
8.
John Ashcroft
Crimes:
Promoting sexual shame, writing and singing alarmingly jingoistic
and terrible songs, flattening constitutional protections,
detaining brown people at will without charges or counsel,
pretending to be a patriot, and intentionally ignoring terrorism
in his pre-9/11 tenure.
Smoking
Gun: Put a fucking curtain up to cover a naked breast
on a statue. A statue.
Punishment:
Only heterosexual judge on the supreme court in 2035.
7.
Donald Trump
Crimes:
Hopelessly addicted to narcissism. Shares Saddam Hussein’s
compulsion to have gaudy structures named after himself.
Is to dignified wealth what Michael Jackson is to competent
childcare.
Smoking
Gun: The hair alone justifies violence.
Punishment:
Forced to expose his tiny penis before crowds of laughing
celebrities on “Who Wants to See Donald Trump’s Penis?”
6.
George W. Bush
Crimes:
Too numerous to mention. The worst piece of shit ever to
run this country, including King George III; when’s the
last time a president made half his country want to move
to Canada? Lays claim to the legacy of Jesus Christ as he
hungrily sucks what little life-essence is left from the
world. Appears to be only dimly aware that he is destroying
the future, but seems to think it’s kind of funny.
Smoking
Gun: Too numerous to mention.
Punishment:
To have his fortune stolen from him by Cheney, Rumsfeld,
Perle and Wolfowitz, and be denied Medicaid.
5.
John Kerry
Crimes:
Managed to lose to the most hated president in American
history by virtue of his total inability to convincingly
portray himself as a human being. Didn’t even have the balls
to show up during the Ohio election challenge in the Senate.
So thoroughly vetted that he appears inhuman, incapable
of speaking without repeating the same hackneyed phrases
incessantly and gesticulating like a poorly operated marionette.
Cursing his daughters with his frightening profile.
Smoking
Gun: Actually did vote for the $87 billion before he
voted against it.
Punishment:
Quality time with wife and kids.
4.
Dick Cheney
Crimes:
So loathsome his own party is frightened of him. Manages
to deliver stunning lies with an air of sneering authority.
Shamelessly employs scare tactics in order to strip the
federal government of any resemblance to the one described
in the constitution. So visibly evil that all of the documented
evidence against him is superfluous. The kind of guy who
starts talking cannibalism the minute he steps on the lifeboat.
Smoking
Gun: Managed to make his own shame at producing gay
offspring into a negative for Kerry.
Punishment:
Hacked to death by Mexican migrant workers.
3.
You
Crimes:
You gaze idly at the carnage around you, sigh, and go calmly
back to your coffee and your People magazine. You can’t
stop buying useless crap, though you’re drowning in a deepening
pool of debt. You think you’re an activist because you bitch
all day on the internet, but you reelect the same gangsters
at a 99% rate. You consider yourself informed because you
waste a significant portion of your life watching the same
three news stories cycle over and over again on your gargantuan,
aerodynamic television set while you eat processed food.
You really thought everything would be okay if Kerry won.
Not only do you believe in an invisible man who magically
farted out the universe, you also excoriate and marginalize
those who disagree. You have a poorer understanding of your
country’s foreign policy history than a third world peasant,
but you can’t wait to see what Julia Roberts will be wearing
at the Oscars. You cheer as Ukrainians challenge an election
based on exit poll data, but keep waiting around for someone
else to fix your problems. You can’t think, you can’t organize
and you won’t act. This is all your fault.
Smoking
Gun: You’re fat.
Punishment:
You’re soaking in it.
2.
Donald Rumsfeld
Crimes:
At least Herman Goering knew how to conquer people. Rummy
is the richest person in the white house, a former auto
and pharmaceutical CEO and the one who nurtured Dick Cheney’s
career. So rife with corruption and fascist desire he makes
dirt look clean. Carries himself in press conferences like
a cranky grandfather who is sick of hearing his daughters
whine about how he molested them every now and then.
Smoking
Gun: Abu Ghraib.
Punishment:
Abu Ghraib.
1.
Kenneth Blackwell
Crimes:
The greasy, rancid piece of crap who delivered Ohio for
Bush by any means necessary, and then bragged about it in
a recent fundraising letter. A black man who has no reservations
about screwing over his own people in his lust for power
and money. Blackwell is the kind of soulless traitor without
whose complicity no nefarious evil plot ever goes down.
In step with the future of global elections.
Smoking
Gun: Phony recounts, media lockouts, intentional misallocation
of voting machines, you name it.
Just
Punishment: Dissolved in barrel of acid.
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the 50 Most Loathsome of 2002!
