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49.After
beating for the last time, Pope's heart sits there like a
piece of hamburger.
48.Whole
world waiting until the last minute for a sudden improvement
of his condition. Long lines of girls in the Philippines kneeling
and praying. Catholics everywhere with ears pressed to radios,
transfixed. Pope gives one last groan, spits, dies.
47.Upon
death, Pope's face frozen in sickening smile, eyes wide open
and teeth exposed, like a baboon.
46.Beetles
eating Pope's dead brains.
45.Pope
departs Earth at a time when Hitch is top-grossing movie in
the world.
44.Gurgling
sound during embalming process; real fluids in dead Pope's
body sucked out into jars.
43.POV Dead Pope: Last glimpse of overcast Italian sky as
coffin lid closes for last time.
42.Get
used to that quiet sound.
41.Humming
old Polish folk song in there. That kills three minutes.
40.Humming
it again, this time getting the words right. Another three
minutes.
39.Can't
move. Can't reach penis.
38.Somebody
taking my job. My job!
37.Getting
a little stuffy.
36.Naming
all the different types of fish. Flounder, halibut, perch,
goldfish, basking shark...no, do the sharks separately...really
stuffy in here, gar, swordfish, manta ray, eels... No, don't
think about eels. Eels are scary. Boy, is it dark in here.
Four minutes gone by.
35.Doctor
applies fingers to neck to check expiring Pope's pulse. Pope's
ear falls off.
34.In
heaven, Pope keeps wrapping cars around telephone poles.
33.Silverfish
pops out of dead Pope's vestment for a moment, immediately
ducks back in.
32.Priest
who administers last rites to Pope excitedly calls mother
afterward to tell her how well it went.
31.Dead
Pope, still with baboon face, wheeled through corridors of
Gemelli Polyclinic in Rome, learns answer to Great Mystery.
30.Michael Jackson too broke to buy Pope's bones.
29.New
Pope inevitably ambitious cleric burning with earthly vigor
and secret desire to undo dead Pope's legacy.
28.Bears
everywhere shitting in woods.
27.We'll
never get to hear his hilarious post-tracheotomy rendition
of "Come on Eileen."
26.Pope
recovers and survives until 2009; New York Press columnist
Matt Taibbi beheaded by passing garbage truck, March 10, 2005.
25.LexisNexis
search on phrase "the inner workings of the Vatican are
shrouded in mystery" temporarily crashes system; Eric
Alterman unable to search for press references to "What
Liberal Media?" for 37 consecutive hours.
24.Pope
spends last hours surrounded by cardinals who stand glaring
at him with folded arms, silently reminding him of the political
necessity of clinging to life.
23.Doctors
examining the body discover that the Pope was not only a woman,
but also Hitler.
22.Mankind
scrambles to choose new leader of inflexible, sexually morbid
institutional anachronism; heretofore anonymous bureaucrat
will instantly be celebrated as world's holiest man as he
travels to AIDS-stricken Africa to denounce the use of condoms.
21.Telltale
white smoke emitting from Vatican chimneys announces a) choice
of new Pope, and b) the fiery death of the 5000 back issues
of Manscape and Hung Inches that had accumulated in the Vatican
lobby.
20.Hall and Oates mulling comeback.
19.To
the end, the Pope could only think of the poor and the downtrodden.
18.When
he died, he stopped thinking of the poor and the downtrodden,
and his face was frozen in that baboon smile, and he thought
of nothing at all.
17.In
his last days, the Pope was in tremendous pain.
16.NBC
Nightly News intern pulls wrong tape from drawer full of long-ago
archived video obits; world thinks Boris Yeltsin has died,
wonders why Brian Williams is calling him an "inspirational
spiritual leader."
15.Williams,
after broadcast: "Who's Boris Yeltsin?"
14.Matt
Lauer to Williams: "He wrote the Contract for America."
13.Just
before death, Pope sits up in his bed, shrieks, his body bursts
into flames; everyone runs from the room.
12.Sequoia,
birch, maple, willow, palm, oak, pine, fir, maple-No, wait,
I said maple already...
11.Hello
my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal...
10.You
dirty rat. You dirty, double-crossing rat... Proxima estacion:
Tibidabo. Tenga cuidado de las puertas deslizantes... It means
woods and blanche means white, so the two together mean white
woods... L'état- c'est moi! Don't think about eels,
don't think about eels...
9.Bush
on the tragic event: "Our thoughts and prayers go out
to this great man and all of his many children."
8.Bush
continued: "He touched all of us in places no one else
could reach."
7.
According to ancient tradition, the slamming shut of the Bronze
Door in St. Peter's Square announces the death of the Pope.
6.Normal
Vatican schedule closes that door at 8 p.m. every night and
reopens it in the morning.
5.According
to numerous reports, if the Pope dies at night this time,
no one will know what to do. (This is not a joke.)
4.In
1958, reporters paid off Pope Pius XII's physician to throw
open the hospital room window when the Pope died.
3.When
a monsignor threw the window open to get some air, the Pope's
death was erroneously reported all over the world.
2.This
is what happens when weird old men in dresses communicate
with the world with doors and chimneys.
1.Throw
a marble at the dead Pope's head. Bonk!
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