BEAST 50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2005
A mustache only slightly less loathsome than Tom Friedman’s-if
only because fewer people take Rivera seriously. Began his career
as a seemingly skilled and passionate muckraker, but having been
exposed countless times as a shameless, megalomaniacal fraud, he
absolutely refuses to get out of our living rooms. Most recently,
Geraldo was accused of making a frail, elderly victim of Hurricane
Katrina whom he "rescued" do multiple takes of the rescue
scene with Rivera for Fox News cameras. Geraldo heroically carried
the woman’s dog.
A: Claims he defected from CNBC to Fox News for patriotic reasons.
Sealed inside Al Capone’s vault with a phalanx of Neo-nazis
armed with folding chairs.
A curious case of racial Stockholm syndrome with a palpable
lust for violent ideological oppression and displays of imperial
power. Rose to prominence in conservative circles by congratulating
white America for its most shameful chapter since slavery, and
encouraging a return to form in her book, In Defense of Internment.
Malkin thinks it’s hunky-dory to detain an entire demographic
indefinitely if it makes the rest of us feel more comfortable.
Her newest, Unhinged, argues that liberals have lost
their minds, because they are upset with the direction their
country is taking. Her evidence is a carefully collected selection
of the dumbest things liberals have ever said, as if she couldn’t
have just as easily filled an entire library with the insane
ravings of right-wingers. Her accusations of blind hatred and
vitriol mimic soul sister Ann Coulter’s classic tactic of psychological
projection: whatever Malkin is, she sees in her opponents.
A: Internment was so irresponsible that it prompted 40
history professors to sign a letter condemning it.
Detained indefinitely without charge and waterboarded hourly
for looking at a cop "all slanty-like."
Larry the Cable Guy
The absolute nadir of the American South’s baffling cultural
hegemony. A middle-class Nebraskan, raised in Palm Beach, whose
parents sent him to private school, masquerading as an Appalachian
mutant and making millions off the nine-toed cyclopes in his audience
by calling his material "blue collar," when it’s really
just a celebration of proud ignorance. The latest in a long line
of "entertainers" propagating the lie that real talent
is elitist. The South has risen again—just long enough to grab the
rest of the nation by the legs and pull it back down to its Lovecraftian
depths. Isn’t even "bad funny." Makes Jeff Foxworthy look
like Chris Rock.
A: Ostensibly humorous catchphrase translates into "complete
Sent back in time for the sole purpose of having Mark Twain’s
cigars extinguished on his face.
Only in America could a plutocrat and insider trader find
sympathy among her social inferiors—people she would have either
sterilized or mustard gassed, if the law permitted her. Stewart,
a woman so frigid she makes Gila monsters look cuddly, rode
this wave of infamy to a resurgence in popularity and a second
television show. To the nation’s delight, she then used this
public forum to demean the aborigines in her charge with robotic
mordancy. Is in obvious discomfort when laughing. Would have
drowned the survivors on the Titanic and used their corpses
as a human pontoon to walk to dry land.
A: Seemed to genuinely enjoy prison.
Forced to use own K-Mart products.
Founder of the misnamed "Discovery Institute." Despite
its pioneering title, Chapman’s organization seeks to make one of
the world’s oldest, dumbest ideas the prevailing ideology, to "undiscover"
evolution and set us back more than a century. Seems to believe
a petition signed by 400 PhDs and professors is convincing proof
of Intelligent Design’s widespread acceptance, when more scientists
named "Steve" endorse Darwin. A lazy dissembler, he blames
the lack of actual research and peer-reviewed articles on ID on
academic "blackballing." Right, ‘cause Galileo had it
easy. Chapman’s sole trailblazing achievement in the field of academic
inquiry has been in proving scientists can be even smugger--when
driven by theology.
A: Held high-level positions under Reagan and Bush, Sr. Is not
Infested and colonized by scabies mites: eyeless, brainless
parasites unique to humans—perfectly evolved to afflict us. Succumbing
to the maddening itch, Chapman skins himself alive.
The absence of charges, for one. While the Valerie Plame
leak scandal has taken down one prominent reporter and tarnished
the reputation of several others, Novak—the one who actually printed
the leak—remains inexplicably unscathed, unless you count the profane
bout of crankiness that got his satanic ass bounced to Fox News,
where, after all, he really belongs. Either Novak has secretly revealed
his sources, damaging his already dubious journalistic credibility,
or he is simply so well ensconced in the Washington power structure
that he can’t be removed, like a metastasized tumor.
A: The sheer, dreadful, angler-fish ugliness of the man, which
can only be explained by the gradual accumulation of several lifetime’s
worth of misanthropy, or possibly possession by demonic entity.
Finds himself chained to a desk with James Carville; figures
out he’s in hell only after several weeks pass without winning a
It needs to be said: George Lucas is an awful writer and a shitty,
shitty director. His second Star Wars trilogy absolutely sucked
from beginning to end, and was in fact the least brave creative
endeavor he could possibly have chosen, a guaranteed grand slam.
Lucas has grown so accustomed to massive commercial success that
he has no idea he’s putting out the worst work of his career, and
no one dares to tell him. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter, because
an army of sexless, sedentary thirty-something dweebs with an unhealthy
fixation on Princess Leia will insist that his schlock is
brilliant as if their lives depend on it, and an absurdly disproportionate
media blitz always brings the kids in. But everything that was great
about the first trilogy—reasonably decent acting, an engaging storyline
and cool model-based special effects—is gone, replaced by detestably
unsympathetic characters reciting torturously bad dialogue in a
manner so wooden that coaching from Keanu Reeves would have helped,
and CGI effects that, while painstakingly crafted down to the nanopixel,
somehow looked less real than plastic spaceships and Muppets.
A: Already revising the new trilogy for DVD releases.
Cast into the gaping maw of Tatooine’s all-powerful Sarlacc
and digested alive for a thousand years, along with a talkative
Jar Jar Binks.
Rather than engage in the admittedly difficult task of justifying
GOP policies rationally, the key to Limbaugh’s success is attracting
an audience that actually yearns to be lied to. It doesn’t matter
how many righteous fact-checkers assail him in print and on the
web, because dittoheads don’t care that he’s lying, as long as the
lies justify their prejudices. Limbaugh’s program is not just hypocritical;
it is a celebration of hypocrisy for ignorant crackers, angry
at smart people and strung out on the dwindling sensation that they
are better than everyone else by virtue of their race, sex, nationality
or level of bluster, because their character and accomplishments
don’t warrant such feelings. If political discussion were sex, the
Limbaugh audience would be a horde of virgins beating off to deranged
A: Started out in sports radio; hasn’t changed his approach
Starved to death in full view of glazed ham; ACLU mistakenly
bestowed entire estate due to barbecue sauce stain on last will
Revenges herself nightly for the murder of her fiancée on every
criminal suspect and defendant; facts be damned. Despite her viscous,
Gump-like hyper-drawl, her brain can barely keep pace. Looks like
a camel in drag. Her crude vindictiveness is to the myth of the
southern belle what Roots was to the myth of the genteel South.
A: Repeatedly utters a snarling "You know what?" at
guests who question her-not as a rhetorical device, but as a declarative
Wrongly convicted and summarily executed by intrauterine electrocution
on national television, so horrifying the nation that capital punishment
is thenceforth outlawed.
Considered an intellectual authority among neocons, Krauthammer,
like his colleagues George Will and Tony Blankley, really only presents
a passable facsimile of gravitas, substituting vocabulary for intelligence,
mischaracterization for argument, and intolerable haughtiness for
authority. The fact that this wanton fascist’s opinions are not
only considered fit for mainstream consumption, but among the cream
of the conservative crop, is a maddening indictment of both the
media and conservative movement.
A: Posed a hypothetical scenario involving 9/11 "architect"
Kalid Sheikh Mohammed to advocate legalizing torture, when the actual
Kalid Sheikh Mohammed was actually tortured without any such
Lockheed-designed bionic exoskeleton he receives from Dick Cheney
in exchange for opposing stem cell research goes berserk, ignoring
Krauthammer’s excited protestations as it uses its powerful titanium
arms to pulverize his loved ones and donate his life savings to
40. Tom Cruise
Criminal narcissism. After mega-lawyer Bert Fields threatened
to sue The BEAST over Cruise’s inclusion in
last year’s Loathsome List, we responded by giving him the editorial
finger, and bracing ourselves for the legal spanking of our
lives. Instead, the episode seemed to trigger a cascading ego crisis,
culminating in a rapid and irrecoverable image downgrade from exalted
idol to ridiculous buffoon. From his laughable claim of psychological
expertise to his worst acting performance ever—as a man in love—Cruise
simply cracked up on camera in 2005, and a public hitherto willing
to overlook his obsessively inauthentic personality and comical
religious affiliation had finally had enough. Cruise is a perfect
example of a person who is simultaneously in love with and completely
unfamiliar with himself, living in perpetual fear of self-actualization,
and asserting a legal right to live free of criticism. A guy who
can do whatever the hell he wants, yet chooses to devote his life
to maintaining the public perception that he is somebody else.
A: "I care man, I care. I care about you. I care about
your children. I care about these people here in this room. Every
one of you. And I...I mean it. That is not just some words to me.
That is a promise." Seriously, can’t even act like a human
A lifetime of forced, joyless sex with famously beautiful women,
only to have his colossal gay porn library posthumously bequeathed
to the Smithsonian by bitter, unloved offspring.
Dr. David Hager
A Bush appointee to the FDA who was the key figure in its rejection
of emergency oral contraceptive Plan B as an over the counter drug,
which Hager bragged was the second time in fifty years the FDA has
ruled against the overwhelming approval of its own advisory committee.
The author of books like Stress and the Woman’s Body and
As Jesus Cared for Women, Hager repeatedly sodomized his ex-wife
for years against her will, alternately apologizing for or denying
it when confronted by her, offering excuses like "You asked
me to do that" and "Oh, I didn’t mean to have anal sex
with you; I can’t feel the difference," she told The Nation.
Seems a bit fishy, a supposed authority on women’s health who can’t
detect such a significant distinction with his most sensitive instrument.
A: "My official comment is that I decline to comment."
A three-day group ramming by the multi-dildoed Oregon chapter
of NOW, after which Hager will walk with a pronounced limp, never
to regain control of his sphincter, and discover himself to be inexplicably
Has made a career of releasing an annual list judging the most
superficial members of society based solely on their most superficial
aspects. Richard’s "Worst Dressed" celebrity lists have
all the redeeming qualities of syphilis. Is clearly motivated by
jealousy towards young, beautiful women, because he knows he can
never be one.
A: Routinely cited by E!, Entertainment tonight and People
Magazine; we’ve got to settle for Celebrity Justice.
Teeth extracted with pliers and used to bedazzle Britney Spears’s
Played so poorly that his demoralized and alienated teammates
yearned for the return of ego-vampire Terrell Owens. A chocolate
commodity so inoffensive he makes Hershey bars look militant. Responded
indignantly to loopy criticism from the head of the Philly NAACP,
but laughed off Rush Limbaugh’s racist broadsides. Choked in the
fourth quarter of Super Bowl; this year he enjoyed the worst fourth
quarter passer rating in the league. Made over $11,000,000 in 2004.
A: Logged only significant playing time this season with his
mom in soup commercials.
Peon at a Campbell’s Soup cannery in China. Flogged routinely
The man behind the man behind the curtain. His PR firm created
the Iraqi National Congress in 1991 and dubbed Ahmed Chalabi its
brave leader. Has been on the CIA’s list of organizations to funnel
money to since the key role it played ousting Noriega from Panama
for papa Bush. Three weeks after 9/11 the Rendon Group began collecting
a $326,000 a month paycheck for disseminating Iraq war propaganda
by organizing and funding the INC, amongst other activities such
as bribing and coercing foreign journalists to beat the drum for
war. The Rendon Group played matchmaker between Ahmed Chalabi, Judith
Miller and a well-trained Iraqi defector with wild, polygraph-disproved
claims of vast WMD stockpiles. A former McGovern supporter and lifelong
Democrat who enjoys his life as the Goebbels of outsourcing.
A: This self described "information warrior" produced
the now infamous tight shot short film of the falling Saddam Hussein
statue with a small, yet enthused cast of INC players he had shipped
into town with CIA money and planes.
Paid handsomely to saturate the global media with fabricated
reports that the cure for cancer is "punching John Rendon in
Second fiddle to Bush’s Nero—except that while New Orleans sank,
Michael Brown just fiddled with himself. A man of geological indolence,
Brown makes lichens seem dynamic. Despite being woefully unqualified
for his job as FEMA director, it was Brown’s lethal callousness
that really astounded (and killed) so many Americans. When one of
only two FEMA employees Brown had vouchsafed New Orleans wrote two
days after Katrina that "the situation is past critical,"
Brown responded, "Thanks for the update. Anything specific
I need to do or tweak?" When he finally arrived in Louisiana,
Brown was preoccupied with demanding more time to eat dinner at
a Baton Rouge restaurant, instead of sucking down an MRE and getting
to work doing his incredibly important job, like a fucking man.
Brown reacted to the most important moment in his life like an immature
college student who realizes he’s fucking up the semester and stops
going to class without telling anyone. No human being can possibly
be this ineffective unless he simply doesn’t give a shit if people
A: In subsequent communications, Brown asked, "Can I quit
now? Can I come home?" and complained about trouble finding
a dog sitter. With almost comical indifference to those actually
suffering, he wrote: "I’m trapped now, please rescue me."
What else? Dehydrated, starved, and slowly baked to death on
a Ninth Ward rooftop while repeatedly buzzed by news helicopters.
Body secretly recovered and incinerated by Blackwater operatives
as part of a Cheney-initiated campaign to keep casualty figures
Known as "germ boy" within the administration for
his obsession with creating panic over biological warfare in order
to facilitate huge government vaccine purchases and alter markets
to the benefit of big pharmaceutical industry stock holders like
Rumsfeld, George Shultz and himself. Sound familiar? A high-level
fall guy, responsible for leaking what was in the interest of profit,
not leaking what wasn’t, and barking on cue to produce the noise
of governance without the drawbacks of actual governance.
A: "The Aspens turn in clusters," or something.
Raped by bear.
Any baseball player with highlights in his hair should be faced
with the same penalty system applied to those using performance-enhancing
steroids. It’s ruining the game. And if a ball player is going to
grow a beard, it should be a Charlie Manson/Thurman Munson scraggle
of bushy whiskers, not a neatly manicured and softly conditioned
frame for your pretty face. The only thing that got Damon to step
into line and quit hair-farming was a 52 million dollar check from
the New York Yankees. Boston prayed for the multi-bladed Gillette
that officially made him a Yankee to slip while gliding over his
Adam’s apple and spill his lifeblood into the bathroom sink.
A: Going from the Red Sox to the Yankees is like fucking the
guy that murdered your husband.
Killed by barrage of hurled D cell batteries when he takes the
field at Fenway next season.
Hired to infiltrate the Corporation for Public Broadcasting,
making way for a GOP takeover of the final outlet for objective,
fact-based TV reporting left largely unsullied by corporate manipulation.
Why is it that whenever conservatives complain about the "liberal
bias" of investigative journalism programs, they seek to “balance”
them out with shows that feature wealthy Republicans sitting in
chairs and talking? And why is that those who rail against "racial
quotas" have no problem with affirmative action when it’s applied
to newsroom ideology? Tomlinson’s heavy-handed invasion was so objectionable
that he was forced to resign, but he left behind some real gems:
new CPB president and CEO Patricia Harrison was co-chair of the
RNC, Assistant Secretary of State and oversaw the production of
now-notorious fake news segments for the White House; and the new
Chairwoman and Vice Chairwoman are both major donors to the RNC.
Look forward to a new, more "balanced" era in public broadcasting.
A: Next year’s children’s special, "Elmo and Milton Friedman’s
Supply Side Christmas Adventure."
Life as Bill Moyers’ butler, including sponge baths and diaper
Unholy pastiche of fearmongering and celebrity ringworm with
the brain of a moth, the integrity of a tapeworm, and the appearance
and larynx of a sugar-addicted, glass-eating drag queen.
A: Her banter with Joe Scarborough kills children.
Kicked in the nuts.
Let’s face it: one reason the Republicans have done so well
in recent elections (aside from touch screen voting machines) is
that they are consistent in their views, however nuts they are,
while "new Democrats" like Clinton are willing to hump
every fence they come across. Hillary’s recent triangulation on
issues like flag-burning and naughty video games has no right-wing
equivalent in reality, but it would be something like Alaska Senator
Ted Stevens launching a campaign against logging. Claims to pray
all the time, which even her supporters know is bullshit.
A: Will probably cause yet another tragic Republican presidency.
Designated cookie-baker for Feminists for Life.
Sacrificed her grey matter to vanity, only to become the focus
of a manufactured media blitz involving the character assassination
of her husband, the selective coverage of fifty protestors by 200
reporters, and a disgusting demonstration of congressional overreaching,
all in deference to a frightening fringe culture’s farcical take
on ethics. If you can’t tell a brain-dead oxygen-waster from a fetus,
you’ve got no place debating policy or exploiting a devastated family
to further your idiotic agenda or political career.
A: As confirmed by a conspicuously underreported autopsy, Schiavo
feels the same about her current situation as she did a year ago.
To have the circumstances of her death become a bizarre political
freakshow; to be worshipped as a religious idol by weak-minded weirdoes
who never knew her, stripping her and her family of all dignity
as she lies, powerless to stop it, in a hospital bed. Oh, right.
Technically there are 55 Republicans in the Senate, but that’s
not counting their favorite shill Joe Lieberman. He’s a Democrat
because…well…he’s from Connecticut. And he’s Jewish. But Lieberman
has spent his time since "losing" to Bush/Cheney in 2000
spooning the White House and attempting to inoculate their increasingly
insane policies from legitimate criticism. Resembles Tex Avery cartoon
character Droopy Dog in voice, demeanor, and spinelessness.
A: "Freedom of religion doesn’t mean freedom from religion."
Apparently, it also doesn’t mean freedom from asinine revisionism.
Made into Oval Office footstool.
The fact that Coulter is considered desirable by Republicans
betrays their sick and masochistic nature. We saw Coulter in person
this year, and she is a revolting skeleton with a boob job and a
grotesquely oversized head, who feeds only on the hatred of her
target audience, liberals. Sole redeeming quality is that she is
impossible to take seriously--she's really more of a shock comic
than a political commentator, whether she knows it or not.
A: "I’m getting a little fed up with hearing about, oh,
Confined to Mississippi; forever banned from interacting with
the lefty intellectuals she lives to antagonize.
Wasting billions of minutes of time and millions of dollars
in bandwidth on the thin hope that a few poor saps will be stupid
enough to believe that a Nigerian banker actually wants to give
them millions of dollars, or that responding to an unsolicited e-mail
is the smart way to refinance their mortgage or enlarge their penis.
Every day, we must perform the tedious task of combing through our
e-mail and deleting the nine tenths of it which consist of the most
retarded marketing in history, along with mean-spirited swindles
and ads for the vilest pornography imaginable. All because these
jack-offs can think of no better way to support themselves than
by pestering the entire fucking planet.
A: Your inbox.
Faces repeatedly smashed into keyboards until dead; bodies made
into actual Spam; greedily devoured by Nigerian bankers.
Won’t go away. A head so empty, the rails of coke that sustain
her must dissipate in clouds around her ears; this residual high
the only explanation anyone would come within five feet of her.
Brainless, her spinal cord defies physics, like an Indian rope trick.
Her Carl’s Jr. commercial, while an uninspired approximation of
eroticism, was still hotter than her actual "sex" tape,
in which she only made noise when she wasn’t screwing—that’s
not hot. Squints inexplicably for photo ops, suggesting even minimal
focus is beyond her. Her continued success as a celebrity famous
for nothing, despite the eerie resemblance she bears to the inbred
banjoist from Deliverance and a lack of talent so profound that
others become duller as they approach her, indicates that something
is fundamentally wrong with humanity.
A: Somehow, everybody in America knew that this completely pointless
person had lost her dog, and we are all diminished by the experience.
Locked in a room with a high steel ceiling which lowers a centimeter
per hour, until she either solves a Rubik’s cube or is crushed;
whichever comes first.
The most hilariously twisted figure of 2005, including Michael
Jackson. Guckert, better known as Jeff Gannon, truly lived a life
in need of two names: the upright, macho, McCarthyite Clark Kent
and the buff, military-fetish prostitute Superfag. Gannon symbolized
so many things: the exponential erosion of journalistic standards,
the fundamental hypocrisy in the heart of each Republican (further
evidenced by their charges of "gay-bashing" when liberals
could not conceal their amusement at his outing), unseemly conflicts
of interest between the press and the GOP, etc. But what was lost
in the sauce was that Gannon was a straight-up plagiarist, actually
copying and pasting sections of White House press releases into
his articles, and we don’t mean quotations. Now that’s a lazy propagandist.
Nobody seemed to find that part of the story particularly interesting,
but hey, what’s violating the first rule of journalism next to hotmilitarystuds.com?
A: Despite having been publicly exposed to be a clownish impostor
and an embarrassment to his party, Gannon refuses to go away, clinging
ever more tenaciously to the same self-denying dogma that made him
a laughingstock in the first place.
Reunited with reality, in the form of ass cancer.
Wasting the entire nation’s time and attention without actually
being abducted and killed. The "Runaway Bride" fiasco
marks a new low point in modern news, an episode in which the media
devoted more attention to a single fruitcake than the rest of the
damned world, discovered her to be simply an inconsiderate flake,
and continued their shameless round-the-clock coverage of her unabated
for many days afterward, compulsively playing 10 seconds of towel-headed
perp walk footage over and over and over again, as world events
were left to take care of themselves. This bug-eyed bitch and her
doormat fiancée, after all, were important—right?
A: Even if she were actually abducted and killed, it wouldn’t
have merited 1/1000th the coverage she got in the first
day of this speculation orgy.
Actually abducted and killed.
Having parlayed a brief association with and willingness to
mimic Martin Luther King Jr. into a lifelong career, Jackson finally
cast aside all vestiges of integrity in 2005, diving headlong into
rhetorical prostitution appearances in support of three extremely
dubious "heroes": transparent pedophile Michael Jackson,
all-star wide receiver and raging asshole Terrell Owens, and convicted
quadruple-murderer Stanley "Tookie" Williams, who Jackson
compared to Nelson Mandela. Providing the post-black pop star with
racial cover for what must have been an exorbitant amount of money,
and arguing that Tookie’s writing a children’s book makes up for
mocking the death-rattles of his victims, Jackson managed to make
Al Sharpton look good last year. It’s a long, soul-destroying trek
from "I have a dream" to "I have to get a receipt
for my expense account."
A: Jackson’s Rainbow/PUSH coalition organized a five-bus caravan,
ostensibly to bring New Orleans residents wiped out by hurricane
Katrina back to the Big Easy for guaranteed jobs and housing. Only
fourteen of the two hundred passengers were actually from New Orleans.
Three quarters of the passengers went right back home. Forty-eight
were hired, three of which were from New Orleans.
Jackson awakes to discover that he really has 'had a dream,'
and that he is actually white, dirt poor, unemployed, and a terrible
A physician whose senatorial career has been a protracted renunciation
of the Hippocractic oath. First and foremost, Frist does harm. Drew
the scrutiny of the SEC and Department of Justice for directing
the sale of $6 million worth of stock in his brother’s company,
while claiming not to know he even owned it. Diagnosed Terri Schiavo
from the senate floor, proclaiming "that is not somebody in
a persistent vegetative state," and then denied ever having
made such a judgment. His Harvard Medical School classmates reproached
him in a letter for having exploited his medical training. Made
protecting drug maker Eli Lilly from litigation for putting mercury
in vaccines a provision of the Homeland Security bill. Honed his
surgical skills on cats he adopted from pet shelters—really.
A: Opposed Patients’ Bill of Rights.
Brain damage due to botched botox treatment.
Winfrey’s entire life is an exercise in self-aggrandizement,
from the TV show which tells us what to read and how to live to
her eponymous magazine, every issue of which features her smug countenance
on its cover. More than just another insufferable Hollywood egotist,
Oprah is something more akin to a housewife messiah, providing false
hope and faux spirituality for experience-deprived worshippers.
Everything she does is strategically designed to draw more praise,
more devotees, and of course more money. Recently had celebrated
poet Maya Angelou on her program to promote her new poem, which
Oprah read for the audience as if she wrote it herself, as she seems
to actually believe.
A: Dr. Phil.
Crushed by self-commissioned 40-story platinum Oprah statue.
Hates free speech. Sensenbrenner is every truculent moron
who ever shouted you down for informing him or called you a
traitor for disagreeing with him. Sensenbrenner wants to apply
criminal penalties for broadcast indecency—jail for swearing.
Sensenbrenner and his supporters don’t know a damn thing about
freedom or democracy; they may not even understand that they
are clearly against these concepts. They are terrible, mindless,
trained by decades of churchgoing into an unquestioning loyalty
and a bitter resentment of dissent. That’s why they didn’t mind
when this turgid cock abruptly ended a hearing on the Patriot
Act after a single round of questioning because the witnesses
were talking about Guantanamo. Sensenbrenner gaveled the hearing
to a close over the objections of many, and when it became clear
that the Democrats weren’t leaving, this old, worthless bag
of shit turned off the microphones and ordered CSPAN
to turn its cameras off, clearly enraged by the idea of liberals
getting a turn to talk. Specializes in legislative attacks on
civil liberties and the separation of powers, such as the Patriot
Act and 2005’s REAL ID Act, which made its way into law as a
rider attached to a military spending bill, and allows the Homeland
Security Department to bypass any law or court to erect physical
barriers at our borders.
A: If Sensenbrenner ran the country, we’d go to jail for writing
Spine-mounted electrode racks Sensenbrenner’s body with searing
pain every time he utters an article, pronoun, or any form of the
verbs "to have" and "to be."
Egomaniacal designer of drab, ironically patriot-hued clothing,
manufactured by Chinese migrants who overcrowd the equally drab
Pacific Rim factories of the United States Commonwealth of Saipan,
favorite illegal vacation spot of Jack Abramoff and Tom Delay. Workers
slave for pennies, are administered forced abortions, and still
can slap a "Made in the USA" sticker on their products.
A: Publicly raising a spoiled cunt on MTV’s post-apocalyptic
"Rich Girls," and hosting a primetime CBS reality infomercial
while peddling overpriced trash made by slaves.
Receives gift from Ralph Lauren—a Sicilian necktie.
William A. Donohue
If Jesus Christ were alive today, Catholic League president
Bill Donohue would regularly call him a faggot in casual conversation.
Purports to somehow defend Christianity by attacking nearly everybody
on the planet in a perpetual frenzy of hateful, red-faced rage.
As far as Donohue is concerned, the main focus of Catholicism is
to stamp out homosexuality and Hollywood Jews who "like anal
A: When a liberal blogger posted an "O’Reilly Factor"
parody transcript wherein Donohue launches a campaign against responding
to sneezes by saying "gesundheit" instead of "God
bless you," many failed to get the joke, because, well, it’s
just plain realistic.
Actually judged by true Christian god.
As if videotaping himself urinating on an underage girl
wasn’t bad enough, Kelly decided to follow up by inflicting
the worst piece of music in American history upon the public
consciousness. Kelly claims he is a genius for squeezing out
what are so far 12 installments of his “hip hopera,” “Trapped
in the Closet,” like so many virtually identical turds, with
no variation in musical content and a story line so patently
terrible that it soon became the subject of a parody-frenzy
involving Saturday Night Live, South Park, Mad TV, Jimmy Kimmel,
and the Upright Citizens brigade, among many others. Even his
good songs all seem to be about fucking underage girls.
A: Seriously—pissing on an underage girl.
Trapped in a closet. Eventually dies of thirst.
A greasy pig whose only distinction in life is his total lack
of decency. Rove is decidedly not a genius; he is simply missing
the part of his soul that prevents the rest of us from kicking elderly
women in the face. His admirers have elevated fanatical, amoral
ambition to the status of a virtue, along with lying, cheating,
and negligent homicide, all in the name of "values." Quite
possibly the worst person in the worst White House in American history.
A: "As people do better, they start voting like Republicans
- unless they have too much education and vote Democratic, which
proves there can be too much of a good thing."
Lowered head first into oil refinery smokestack.
The ultimate Bush hagiographer, Bumiller is responsible for
unearthing such essential information as Bush’s iPod playlist and
how he always makes his bed time. Bumiller’s weekly presidential
throat job in the rapidly declining New York Times, the "White
House Letter," reads like transparent ad copy for the president.
Her unabashedly moist, worshipful tone would seem a little over-the-top
at an RNC convention. Bumiller revealed the secret of her success
to her alumni magazine at Northwestern: doing the very least that
her job description requires. "At every press conference I
stand up every time and ask a question," Bumiller said. "No
matter what." Wow.
A: "You can’t say George Bush is wrong here. There’s no
way you can say that in the New York Times…You can’t just say the
president is lying. You don’t just say that in the… You can’t say
the president is lying—that’s a judgment call… What is wrong with
that? What is your problem with that? What? Why do you all object
The Times' reign as the "paper of record" is finally
brought to an end when the paper’s headquarters are demolished by
readers upon publication of Bumiller’s final dispatch, "Bush’s
Taint: Sweet Like Honey."
If your answer to the age-old question of God’s existence is
"yes," your next question should be, "Why is he such
a dick?" After three major natural disasters, not to mention
the eternal constants of famine, war and disease, to believe in
God is to believe either that He enjoys fucking with us, or at best
has totally lost interest in the whole "people" thing.
Never calls anymore.
A: Mosquitoes, Ralph Reed.
Forever listening to an unending stream of idiotic, mundane
prayers uttered by the dumbest, most inarticulate people in His
Her polluted womb nurtured the seed of American decadence. The
root of America’s decay; the poison tree from whence the fruit loop
George W. Bush sprang. This unfeeling, unthinking patrician hag
spawned America’s most notorious welfare child, whose every glaring
deficiency has been excused or underwritten by undeserved wealth.
Chuckling, she remarked of poor people displaced by Hurricane Katrina,
"And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were
underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them."
Of their plans for permanent relocation, she speculated: "What
I’m hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in
Texas." A true aristocrat, she sees poor people as another
A: George H.W., George W., Jeb, Neil, Jenna, Barbara, Noelle,
Hysterectomy on principle. Bound and thrown into Lake Pontchartrain.
If she floats, burned at the stake. If she drowns, even better.
The US Supreme Court’s fait accompli. President Bush’s closet
case follow-up to the "most qualified" Harriet Miers'
disastrous nomination, Alito was defended vociferously as a victim
of racism by conservatives for being labeled "Scalito,"
a nickname clearly signifying his kinship of judicial philosophy
with Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, and nothing else. Writes
autistic opinions, in which language itself is rendered meaningless.
For example, he wrote in a decision that the government should not
protect plaintiffs from "employers who, although they have
not acted with the intent to discriminate, may have treated their
employees unfairly." When Alito puts on his Supreme Court robe,
America can say "Arrivederci" to a woman’s right to choose.
A: In a landmark case, Alito distinguished himself by advocating
the most extreme interpretation of law on the conservative Third
Circuit; the decision prompted one observer to note, "[F]or
the first time since 1973, a Federal court of appeals has directly
said that Roe v. Wade is no longer the law of the land."
Paper cut while handling the Constitution, left untreated, becomes
infected, eventually killing him. Wife cries.
Even Limbaugh must bow before O’Reilly’s unparalleled bullying
skills and ability to deliver undiluted bullshit with an air of
brusque authority. O’Reilly is so comfortable with his astounding
hypocrisy that he didn’t skip a beat when he was publicly revealed
to be a comically perverse sexual harasser, continuing to sanctimoniously
moralize about the corrosive effects of rap music and intellectualism
on American society. Main tactic against his critics, whose jobs
rank among the easiest in the world, is to accuse them of his own
methods: arbitrary smears, selective quotation, partisan motivation,
and intellectual cowardice. Infuriatingly claims to be a political
"independent" who just happens to parrot virtually every
Republican talking point and equate mainstream liberals with Nazis
and Stalinists. Claimed his call for abandoning San Francisco to
al Qaeda bombing was "satirical," which is itself the
funniest thing he’s ever said. An honest to goodness list-making
Joe McCarthy wannabe, with the ACLU standing in for the Communist
A: O’Reilly’s novel, Those Who Trespass, which
reads like an eighth grade writing assignment, is about a blustery
news correspondent, demoted from foreign correspondence to less
prestigious work (as O’Reilly was when he moved from ABC News
to Inside Edition), who murders a string of colleagues he feels
have hindered his career. "I kill you on page six,"
he told Charlie Gibson on Good Morning America.
After O'Reilly's influence fundamentally changes the nature
of jurisprudence, he is tortured and jailed for life when it is
discovered that he once leafed through a copy of the Communist Manifesto
as a teen.
It’s not so much the depraved sexual murder or sociopathic lack
of remorse—if we started including every homicidal freak in this
list, there'd be no room to display our prodigious political bias.
It’s the fact that Dennis Rader turned out to be, in the end, a
sad, needy wuss. His jaw-dropping statement at his sentencing, coming
after a series of tearful, enraged victims’ statements, revealed
the extent of Rader’s detachment from reality—doling out thank-yous
to his lawyers, the cops, his prison guards and the gang back at
lock-up, like he just won an Oscar, cracking inside jokes and pretending
to be 'close' with people who doubtless wished they could beat him
dead with his own severed arms.
A: "I feel like a star right now."
Bound. Tortured. Killed.
The human warhead Ahmed Chalabi fired into America's collective
ass on behalf of the federal government. A dutiful stenographer,
Miller regurgitated all of Chalabi’s erroneous assertions about
Iraq’s weapon’s capabilities without skepticism and threw in a few
of her own. Essentially started a war with bad reporting, and remained
indefatigably self-satisfied throughout the ensuing imbroglio, her
mantis-like face fixed in a smile behind oddly insectival sunglasses.
Managed to cast herself as a martyr for journalistic principles,
despite her role as a conduit for a successful White House propaganda
campaign, which is exactly why they’d try to use her to leak a CIA
agent’s identity—to break the law again.
A: Told a Salon interviewer in May, 2004, while US troops were
already dying, "You know what, I was proved fucking right.
That’s what happened. People who disagreed with me were saying,
'There she goes again.' But I was proved fucking right," which
shows that not only doesn’t Miller really report for the Times,
but she also doesn’t read it.
After a brief but horrible stint as a chemical weapons test
subject for Monsanto, Miller is vivisected without anesthesia and
her organs are harvested alive to be preserved as spares for Seymour
The worst of all creatures in the political opinion jungle:
a cretin who thinks he’s a genius. Friedman’s intolerable knack
for converting irreducibly complex geopolitical/socioeconomic situations
into simplistic, tin-eared insta-clichés makes him one of the most
dangerous people on the planet, arming people even stupider than
him with the illusion of knowledge in the form of a crude vocabulary
of badly mixed metaphors and ill-conceived flashcard images, thereby
having a negative net effect on the nation’s intellect. India and
China are "like a bottle of champagne" which someone has
been "shaking for 40 years;" the modern economy dictates
that "you need to be at a certain level to be able to claim
your share of a global pie that is both expanding and becoming more
complex;" and the threat of terrorism is a "bubble"
that threatens to "undermine" open society. Friedman’s
disorienting literary ineptitude is nearly enough to distract us
from the indisputable fact that he has no fucking idea what he’s
talking about. For this dolt-friendly parlor trick and a slavish
devotion to globalization and technology as abstract, almost mystical
tenets, Friedman has achieved iconic status. Exhibits the easy smile
and benevolent smugness of an unjustly celebrated man who has never
thought very deeply or rigorously about anything at all.
A: Despite his constant exaltation of the internet as some kind
of global cure-all, Friedman had to actually fly to London
to discover that European newspapers were having misgivings about
Column outsourced to Bangalore, where there is some difficulty
in finding a peasant ignorant and ineloquent enough to please his
audience. Compelled at gunpoint to write a 500-page retraction of
his recent best-seller, called No, Actually the World is Round.
Jackson’s second escape from accountability for a well-known
lust for little boys was disappointing, but at least his image is
forever ruined, causing him to flee the country. Unfortunately,
his own imperiled children have not been taken from him. First plan
upon acquittal was to build another amusement park, this
time in Africa, where apparently it must be easier to buy off parents
and/or potential prosecutors. Currently in Bahrain, where he is
negotiating a consultant job with a company to help set up—yup—theme
parks. Like a spider whose web has been destroyed, Jackson simply
relocates and spins a new one. On top of all of this, he hasn’t
recorded a decent track since Thriller’s success drove him
off the deep end, and has retroactively ruined such now-creepy titles
as "PYT (Pretty Young Thing)" and "The Way You Make
A: Truly living in a fantasy world of his own creation, Jackson
insists with a (figuratively) straight face that he has only had
a nose job. Remember when Prince was weird?
Forced to actually relive his childhood, including all of the
beatings and molestation which transformed him into the inhuman
freak he is today.
A politician so horrible, his prior career as an exterminator
constitutes fratricide. Smiled for his mug shot like it was a campaign
poster. Asked three young Katrina evacuees, “Now tell me the truth,
boys, is this kind of fun?” One of an elite handful of white Americans
still engaged in the time-honored tradition of screwing over Indians.
Responding to a request he extinguish his cigar in a restaurant
in accordance with federal regulations, Delay replied, “I AM the
federal government.” Claimed that there was “no fat left to cut”
from the federal budget to offset New Orleans reconstruction costs.
So arrogant in abuse of power that he doesn’t even take time to
construct plausible lies.
A: Explaining his failure to enlist during Vietnam: "So
many minority youths had volunteered…that there was literally no
room for patriotic folks like myself."
Bashed to death with hammer.
Silently enabling and contributing to the irreversible destruction
of your planet. Absolving yourself of your responsibility to do
anything about it that your immediate neighbors don’t. Assuming
that it’s normal behavior to spend several hours each day totally
inert and staring into a cathode ray tube. Substituting antidepressants
for physical motion. Caring more about the personal relationships
of people you will never meet than your own. Shrugging your shoulders
at the knowledge that your government is populated by criminal liars
intent on fooling you into impoverished, helpless submission. Cheering
this process on.
A: You don’t even know who your congressman is.
Deathbed realization that your entire life was an unending series
of stupid mistakes and wasted opportunities, a priceless gift of
potential extravagantly squandered, for which you deserve nothing
but scorn or, at best, indifference, and a cold, meaningless demise.
George W. Bush
Simply put, the stupidest man ever to lead this country. Bush’s
lobotomized Will Rogers routine is a satirist’s dream, a European
intellectual’s caricature of the dipshit cowboy American, all balls
and no brains. Often responds to questions by attempting to define
the word he finds the most challenging in them. Thinks press reports
of his various crimes are responsible for his waning popularity,
rather than the deeds themselves. Interprets the constitution like
a Unitarian interprets the bible; for maximum convenience and with
no regard to the actual text. Foreign policy vision is less serious
and more simplistic than an issue of Captain America.
A: "I want to thank the President and the CEO of Constellation
Energy, Mayo Shattuck. That’s a pretty cool first name, isn’t it?
Mayo. Pass the Mayo."
Trapped for eternity under shoddily manufactured Diebold voting
machine, unable to reach nearby refrigerator full of hot dogs and
At the forefront of nearly every administration effort to
annihilate the constitution. A true psychopath with only one
motivating force; insatiable greed. Insists that we can only
remain "free" through torture, spying and secrecy.
Bears the crooked ugliness of a man whose entire life has been
devoted to a senseless pursuit of power, and whose most effective
weapon is a total lack of ethics, or even decorum. So cartoonishly
evil he defies parody.
A: "I think they’re in the last throes, if you will, of
Strapped to chair; eyes removed with melon baller. Nursed back
to health. Lips sewn to a rubber hose connecting him to a 500 gallon
nutrition shake. Nursed back to health. Fingers, hands, toes, feet,
nose and genitals devoured by hungry pigs. Nursed back to health.
Legs and arms ground to stubs with belt sander. Nursed back to health.
Fitted with earphones that play only Christina Aguilera songs, and
left alone to think about what he has done.
If Pat Robertson’s local Starbucks caught fire, he would claim
that God was punishing them for giving him a caramel latte when
he ordered vanilla. Robertson has always been a demonic charlatan
with the credibility of Miss Cleo and a lust for Armageddon in his
vile, rat-toad heart, but this was really his year to shine. In
2005, Robertson called on God to vacate seats in the Supreme Court
(the almighty obliged, killing Rehnquist), advocated assassinating
Hugo Chavez, said ‘judicial activists’ were a more serious threat
to America than terrorists, called criticism of the war treason,
said John Roberts should be thankful for Hurricane Katrina, which
he implied was “connected” to Roe v. Wade, attributed Ariel Sharon’s
stroke to divine retribution for the Gaza pullout, said “the Antichrist
is probably a Jew alive in Israel today,” and implied that God would
wipe the residents of Dover, PA off the map for rejecting Creationism.
Not to mention raising huge sums of cash from his zombie army, much
of which is diverted from his charity operations to his business
interests, including African diamond mines. Has long advocated that
America simply ignore the Supreme Court. Robertson’s God is an insecure,
misogynistic, homicidal fanatic—just like Pat.
A: Vehemently opposed to voluntary abortion in America,
but okay with forced abortion in China, where his cable investments
depend on the good graces of the government.
Repeatedly struck by lightning.
Allan Uthman, Paul Jones, Ian Murphy, Chris Riordan
Editor: Allan Uthman
Illustrations: Ian Murphy